"Why Don't You Have Your OWN Kids?"

Drama Boy is at it again.

I eavesdropped for a few minutes then decided to step in on an argument between him and Squeaker during snack time.

Here's what I heard before that:
DB: "...{first name} F***ing {adoptive last name} or better yet {first name} {birth last name}".
Squeaker: "Stop calling me that!"
DB: "That's your name isn't it? I mean your birth name?"
Squeaker: "I don't have a birth name any more. That's not my name!"
DB: "Oh, what, like you were never born? You're just a big zero then?"

At that point I told them to cool it and I would talk to them after they were finished eating. DB lost it and started yelling at me so he had to interrupt his snack so we could talk right then.

He rambled all over the map saying he gets treated worse than the other kids, that nobody ever does anything for him, that everyone talks bad about his mom, that he doesn't get allowance, that every time he's on a visit we do fun things like going to Disneyland with the other kids. I had to keep redirecting the ridiculous and tell him to stop screaming at me.

What I wanted to get across to him was that it is not okay for him to keep minimizing relationships in this family because they were formed through adoption rather than by birth. I told him that they were very "real" relationship. His response was "How are they?"

From experience I know that if he's not willing to get the concept there is no point in arguing it with him and I certainly don't try to be an apologist for those who just won't get it. But since we all have to live together, I did tell him that, although they were not born to me, my three kids ARE my kids and my grandson IS my grandson and it is disrespectful and rude for him to continue to say that the relationships are not "real". His response was "They're not really real though."

He screamed that it's not fair that the whole world calls Ana his mom and "she's not, she won't ever be, I don't ever want her to be!" He's angry that the other kids' call him their brother and cousin because he "NEVER wants to be a part of this family!" Ironically a little later he was screeching something like, "You don't even treat me like part of the f-f-f....." and he had to stop himself before he said the F word (family). He is so self-centered that he wants all of the benefits of being part of the family without having to put any effort into relationships or even civility.

His other narcissistic gem was "It's not fair to me or to her birth mom that she's mad at us for no reason!" To which I had to respond that her relationship with her birth mom has nothing to do with him and does not reflect in any way on his relationship with his own mom. It's as if he believes that we all think that he should reject his birth mom and be adopted. I explained that everyone's situation is different and how does he know that her anger at her mom is without cause?

There is no working these things through with him right now. He sees himself as the prepetual victim and is encouraged in that delusion by his birth mom. I finally said I couldn't talk to him any more about it because no matter what I say he will filter through the lie that he is always being persecuted. I told him I would tell the kids to stop calling him their brother or cousin and that he needed to respect Squeaker's wishes and stop calling her by her birth name.

His parting shot was, "Why don't you just have your own kids? Then this wouldn't happen. Instead you have us as slaves."

Yep. Just not getting it. But I couldn't help it...I laughed out loud at that last bit. He actually thinks he's making our live so much easier because we've enslaved him by having him do a couple of chores a day?

I give up.