Painful Partings -- Past and Present

I came across this letter that I wrote in pre-blog days and thought it would be a good time to post it as I am now in the midst of fresh grief with the loss of another child.

Although we will continue to see him, the loss of daily interaction with him has left a painful void. The circumstances of his departure, without the chance to hug him and say good-bye, have added to our grief. The fact that there is no acknowledgement or even recognition of our attachment to him or his attachment to us has made this hurtful as well as painful. Instead, our love and care and commitment to him have been deemed not good enough.

Whatever the reasons and however hard it is for us, I cannot argue that this move is the best thing for him. So, to our little guy: I love you and I will miss seeing you and hugging you every day but I want you to know that you are our family and that is forever.

And to my baby girl:

Dear Diana,

I wish that you would always know that I love you more than life. You are so precious to me...I wish I could tell you that every day. I hope you know that I did not reject or abandon you although I'm sure that's what it felt like when the only mommy you knew put you in a stranger's arms and walked away forever.

I wish you could know how much that hurt me...that I wanted to hug you and hold you and never let you go. A part of my heart went with you that day and I will never be the same again.

I wonder if you are happy. Do you smile and laugh and talk? Does your new mommy know that noses beep and that palms are for kissing? Does she know how to make bubbles dance? Does she wonder why "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" makes you cry or why cows say "meow"?

My heart holds a part of your life that you will not remember and I will never forget. When I am feeling sad and lonely for you, I cry when I remember that, for a short time, I was your whole world and now your world doesn't have even a memory of me. But they are selfish tears, I suppose, because you were never mine to keep and hold.

Maybe you are back with your birth mommy, maybe you are with a new forever family or maybe you are still with a foster family. That is something I will always wonder but never know. I can only trust you to God's care and keeping and pray that you are safe and that you are loved.

It was my honor and joy to be your mama for just a little while. To see your first steps. To hear your first words and your beautiful laugh. If you don't remember me, I hope, deep down inside, that you will remember that you were loved, cherished and protected in my arms and that your Father in heaven loves you and will never abandon you.