Downsizing

It definitely felt like we were in an alternate reality today when we walked into Killer Pizza From Mars and ordered only one "Family Meal" and nobody had to share. For the past five years we have had to order 3 of the four-person meals and even then sometimes we had to split salads and buy extra drinks.

Yesterday we took the kids to the movies and could still afford to buy some popcorn. The last time we went to the movies, we took up an entire row.

Four years ago we drove both an SUV and an eight-passenger van and every seat was filled. Today we can fit all the kids in a sedan and the SUV has an empty row.

Every person in our house finally has their own bedroom. We actually have enough room for everyone to sit together on our only couch but we can barely reach each other when we join hands around our large dinner table. Our 3000 square foot house seems absurdly huge now (to us anyway...we still have 3x as many people living here as the previous owners!).

We have so much more space--and time--now. This is the longest we've ever gone without filling that space up again.

Do I Look Stupid to You?

I surely must to the kids. They lie or at least omit the truth and really, truly think that I don't know it. It's so weird, I don't even get it. Maybe I'm just too sequestered in my own crazy little foster care world and I'm somewhat jaded and cranky by this time, but I find it unbelievably annoying. It's almost like part of a shared culture that they bring with them.

I really do think the most irritating thing about it is that they think that I'm dumb enough to believe them. Yes, I do make it about me far more than I should.

Gratitude

We've been mulling over the topic of gratitude lately. We've seen the lack of it a great deal over the years in caring for foster children both from birth parents and older kids and teens. That's okay, we can deal with that. We're not in it for the thanks or gratitude (or the "money"....just for record).

What is bewildering, however, is not the lack of it from time to time but the total opposite of it. When you have given of yourself and made sacrifices for the benefit of someone else and yet despite all that you have given the receiver/taker turns things around and not only blames you for their problems but piles on accusation of harm, well, it's a bit of a shock every time.

Recently we read an interesting book by Robert Emmons entitled Thanks! How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier which nailed this phenomenon exactly.

From his book, "Ingratitude is not the same as forgetfulness, or what I am calling "nongratitude". The main difference between the latter two is that in cases of nongratitude, the person fails to do something---fails to respond to a gift with an appropriate feeling and display of thankfulness. Nongratitude is essentially forgetfulness.**Whereas nongratitude is an omission, an absence, a type of forgetting, ingratitude is the presence of something negative. It is a form of punishment. When a person is ungrateful, they respond with hostility, resentment, or in some other way choose to willfully disparage the gift and the giver.**Failing to acknowledge gratitude is not morally equivalent to responding to another's benevolence with hostility and resentment."

Emmons describes gratitude in two parts, "First, gratitude is the acknowledgement of goodness in one's life." and "Second, gratitude is recognizing that the source(s) of this goodness lie at least partially outside of self."

Why are some kids grateful and some kids hostile? I'm sure there are a multitude of reasons and each of our kids, obviously, has come from a difficult past. It's hard for many of them to move on from what they lost in order to be grateful for all they have been given. Some will not acknowledge the help they have received preferring others to think they have done it all "on my own."

We have definitely found that those who are grateful are much more able to accept their situation, move on, forgive, and take responsibility for their own problems. They are more likely to give back, contribute, and show affection. One cannot demand gratitude from a child/teen and it seems self-serving to do so but the fact is that those who are able to count their blessings more than their resentments are likely to be far happier and more successful in relationships and life.

Painful Partings -- Past and Present

I came across this letter that I wrote in pre-blog days and thought it would be a good time to post it as I am now in the midst of fresh grief with the loss of another child.

Although we will continue to see him, the loss of daily interaction with him has left a painful void. The circumstances of his departure, without the chance to hug him and say good-bye, have added to our grief. The fact that there is no acknowledgement or even recognition of our attachment to him or his attachment to us has made this hurtful as well as painful. Instead, our love and care and commitment to him have been deemed not good enough.

Whatever the reasons and however hard it is for us, I cannot argue that this move is the best thing for him. So, to our little guy: I love you and I will miss seeing you and hugging you every day but I want you to know that you are our family and that is forever.

And to my baby girl:

Dear Diana,

I wish that you would always know that I love you more than life. You are so precious to me...I wish I could tell you that every day. I hope you know that I did not reject or abandon you although I'm sure that's what it felt like when the only mommy you knew put you in a stranger's arms and walked away forever.

I wish you could know how much that hurt me...that I wanted to hug you and hold you and never let you go. A part of my heart went with you that day and I will never be the same again.

I wonder if you are happy. Do you smile and laugh and talk? Does your new mommy know that noses beep and that palms are for kissing? Does she know how to make bubbles dance? Does she wonder why "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" makes you cry or why cows say "meow"?

My heart holds a part of your life that you will not remember and I will never forget. When I am feeling sad and lonely for you, I cry when I remember that, for a short time, I was your whole world and now your world doesn't have even a memory of me. But they are selfish tears, I suppose, because you were never mine to keep and hold.

Maybe you are back with your birth mommy, maybe you are with a new forever family or maybe you are still with a foster family. That is something I will always wonder but never know. I can only trust you to God's care and keeping and pray that you are safe and that you are loved.

It was my honor and joy to be your mama for just a little while. To see your first steps. To hear your first words and your beautiful laugh. If you don't remember me, I hope, deep down inside, that you will remember that you were loved, cherished and protected in my arms and that your Father in heaven loves you and will never abandon you.

Mother's Day Ironies

Just to prove that it helps to have a sense of humor about those days when it's tough to not be the "real" mom:

Ana was putting a photo into a frame so Lucky could add it to the gift for her mom while commenting to me about her dislike of this particular holiday. She flipped the words and sang soulfully, "Sometimes I feel like a childless mother...."

Lucky is the last of our kids who is still in the foster care system. My kids are adopted and the others are no longer in the system but back living with us in a more informal capacity. Lucky's mom is a very nice person but in five years has been unable to do what she needs to in order to parent her daughter again.

That's why I found it amusing when Lucky showed me the card she picked out at the store for her mom which read:
"You've Got This Mom Thing All Figured Out".

No comment.

Allegations Part 2 and Parties for 2

Stickers moved back in on Wednesday. She has always visited frequently and for long periods of time so right now it feels like a visit except that she brought her dog and has been hauling stuff upstairs and has already done a load of laundry. She needs to enroll in college classes here and has a job in a nearby mountain community lined up for after Christmas. Seems like she has things well in hand. Her 16 year old brother (who also lived with us five years ago) will come on Monday and spend Christmas with us.


We had another CPS investigator out here yesterday, this time asking questions about an incident more than three years ago that none of us knew about (if it even ever happened) due to allegations of a child we don't really even remember. Remember, we did crisis care and had hundreds of kids through our homes some staying only overnight and some for months. Thankfully, the allegations were not against us. Nothing came of it except that we stressed for an entire day from the time she called to her actual visit since they won't tell you what they are investigating. We cannot think of any way such an incident could have occurred with any child in our home. She questioned our older kids but Squeaker was the only one around at that time and of course she knew nothing either. Totally ridiculous. And they wonder why they don't have enough foster homes.

Tonight we celebrate Lucky's birthday (12) which is actually tomorrow. Tomorrow we celebrate The Boss' birthday (5) which is actually Monday. School is out today so let the holiday/birthday partying begin!

Christmas Party

We went to our agency's Christmas Party yesterday afternoon. It was nice and all the kids enjoyed it. Some great young people in the Navy who work at our local veterans hospital personally bought, wrapped, donated, and delivered gifts for some of the kids. Then they stayed to watch the children open them. A total hit. They seemed to enjoy it as much as the kids. One of them had been in foster care as a child and was later adopted. He was very excited to spearhead the Navy's involvement this year.

The Boss got some Transformers toys and was practically knocking over the furniture in his haste to open it (with the helping hands of two of the staff members little boys). He even sat on Santa's lap to get them something he had vowed repeatedly not to do.

Afterwards, he said "See, Mommy, you don't get me toys. Santa brings me toys!"

Nutshell Narrative

New kids nixed. Not near enough. Nuts.

Tender-Hearted

The Boss pitched a royal fit last night and when I told him I was sick of his behavior he said rudely, "Well, I'm sick of you." Way to express yourself, kiddo, and by the way no ice cream. He cried a little bit about the ice cream and then talked to himself for about fifteen minutes, "I'm so mad right now. I'm really mad at you. I'm not talking to anybody any more. I want ice cream so I'm not talking to anybody. I'm just going to be really mad. That is so rude. I really want ice cream."

Pretty funny since it was a "toilet-talk" because he happened to be in the bathroom on the pot at the time.

Thankfully, he is generally a sweet boy even though he can be pretty stubborn and strong-willed. It's important to him to make things right immediately. While he was laying in bed he said several times, "I am so sorry, Mommy." and crawled over so he could say right into my face "Mommy, I apologize you."

I'm so glad he is such a good-hearted guy even with the kinds of language and behavior he has had swirling around him from other kids for almost five years. I'm as proud as can be that he is polite and loving and so fond of his aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. My only explanation is that God has answered my prayers and protected him from negative influence of some of our most troubled and angry kids. I kept him close to me when he was small but now he holds his own pretty well. He told Squeaker the other day, "You don't have to be so rude to me." Although when she stuck her tongue out at him later, he responded in kind. He knows to just walk away from a situtation if the big kids get mean or rude.

I worry that his good-natured little self will be ruined by the chaos that we seem to live with but, on the flip side, I do hope that somehow it teaches him to be kind, patient, and forgiving.

I think we're all finding that it's extremely hard to actually live the aftermath of past trauma day to day even for those of us who have been given the grace and desire to help hurting kids. My greatest hope is that we are not creating more of them by adding almost "normal" kids to our crazy bunch.

Bye Bye Drama

Drama Boy left on Wednesday but he held true to his blog name until the very end. On the night before Sparky left a few months ago, DB had a big crying fit over something. I can't even remember what it was now except that it certainly had something to do with something he thought he should get but didn't. On Wednesday he was teary and rude because he thought Ana should have brought him a present and a better dessert when she went to the store. Oh, boo hoo. She bought him a drum at the thrift store the day before even though he acted like a bug when we found clothes for The Boss and the girls and not for him.

Anyhoo...never at a loss for irony....we packed up two bins of toys, two huge bags of stuffed animals and bedding, two backpacks full of stuff, a gigantic suitcase plus a box of clothes, three guitars, two amps, a tv and game system, a box of outdoor toys, and the drum. He had like 50 shirts (not kidding) and at least five toothbrushes that I packed. It's a darn shame nobody ever bought anything for the kid, or so he told his mom who told it to the social worker who turned it into a referral and an investigation.

And just to show their conviction of his deprivation, his grandma was going to transport their mom, both boys, and all of their belongings in a Saturn. We had to wedge his stuff into every available space in my Expedition with only a small hole for him to squeeze into. When Sparky left he also had a huge suitcase, several boxes, bedding. He left some things with DB that we had to send on Wednesday too.

We've had several occasions that the parents have been so upset and angry over the loss of their kids that they have insisted that the kids are in more danger in foster care. One nutty mother even alleged that her two year old girl was molested by a little boy in the home. That boy was practically a baby and still in diapers. It's sick that some of these kids will always think they were victimized when it's a complete lie.

At least Sparky and Drama Boy's grandma knows the truth even though she made all sorts of crazy accusations in support of her daughter (cold hotdogs? good grief). She told Ana thank you and said if we ever need anything or have any kind of emergency we can call her.

Yeah, thanks. If ever we need an emergency knife in the back we'll be sure to call.

Oh Happy Day

My computer is fixed and back home where it belongs! Okay, big deal...but it's the little things that make me happy.

Drama Boy will be going on an overnight visit this weekend and, along with Sparky, will return "home" (it's a facility but whatever) to his birth mom next Wednesday.

Yep.

I don't even know what to say about that except that I hope and pray and wish and desire for things to work out for them but it's just not a good situation and if their mom really thinks that all of their problems will disappear just because they are with her and not "strangers" she is going to be in for quite a shock.

Haircut Hysteria

Drama Boy came back from his visit last weekend with bleach-orange hair and a weed-hacker haircut that he did himself. The deal Ana made with him was that if he wanted to dye all of his hair then he needed to trim up his shaggy, Disney-channel 'do.

So Ana went out with him to get his hair cut. He went agreeably enough. But in the car he started having a fit, cursing and crying and carrying on finally telling Ana if she made him cut his hair he would kill himself but make it look like she killed him.

Who says we don't have sweet children?

So she brought him back home and sent him to his room.

Then she decided to take Lucky to get a trim instead and so, naturally, DB had to freak out that she gets to have a haircut and he doesn't.

He fussed and whined and screamed about the unfairness of it all. You see, it's not that he didn't want a haircut it's that he didn't want a haircut from that particular hair cuttery. He ranted and rambled into the subject of unfair allowances and other imaginary injustices and discrepancies that litter his muddled little brain.

So then Ana agreed to take him for a haircut when she took Lucky.
"WHY?!?", says I. (Aren't I the supportive one?)

Well, I guess it's better than another false allegation.

Punk.

Allegations

The investigator left a little while ago. She actually wasn't a regular allegations investigator but the new social worker on Drama Boy's case.

DB didn't know anything about it and she said he was surprised. So I'm thinking based on past experience that the mom or grandma are at it again.

Kind of along the lines of the "cold hotdog" allegation of a while back, she asked questions like "How often do you get his hair cut?"; "How often do you buy him clothes?"; "How often does he get allowance?"; "Do you think you give {Lucky} preferential treatment?"; and "Do you make him walk home from the park late at night?".

Sounds a little like the things mom and grandma come up with based on his constant whining and complaining about everything.

She wasn't asking me, she was asking Ana and I was just eavesdropping. Ana was a lot nicer than I would have been about some of the ridiculous, made-up accusations so probably a very good thing that she wasn't asking me. These boys and their mom have basically said they will say whatever they need to to get what they want, yet all allegations have to be investigated no matter how far-fetched.

I wonder why it is that they have a hard time recruiting and retaining foster parents?

On Lying

Our kids lie. A lot.

Often they lie to get things they want, get out of things they don't want, or to avoid getting into trouble. I would put that into the category of "normal" childhood behavior which needs to be corrected but is not alarming in any way.

Lies are frequently used to cover activities or behaviors that they don't want us to know about. This is not the same as lying to avoid getting into trouble. This kind of lying is more pre-meditated such as a kid saying they are at a school function or a certain friend's house when really they are sneaking off somewhere else or with someone else. Often my questions of "Where are you going?" and "Who else will be there?" are met with partial truth and some convenient omissions.

I expect to be lied to. I don't like it but I know it happens every day. Often I know they that have lied even when they don't know I know. I have ways of checking up. They all rat each other out so my spies are everywhere. I know how to use MySpace. A couple of the kids have "tells" and would make horrible poker players. Often I suspect the truth even when I can't prove it. A couple of the kids like to scream at me that they are the only ones who get in trouble for lies but that is not actually true. We don't give consequences for lying. Never. We can't. For some of these kids it has been a survival skill. But in any case, we can't prevent it and we set them up to constantly fail if we try to. We do give consequences for misbehaviors that we can prove. Often we know but we can't prove it.

Now crazy lying is a whole 'nother story. One of the kids is a master at it.

At school, she's gotten good grades and lots of sympathy for writing "really honest" journal entries and essays on things that never happened.

She tells stories of something that happened to someone else as if it happened to her. She calls soccer and basketball "her sports" even though she's never played before.

A few days ago I found a note on the floor that she had been passing back and forth to a friend in class which said minimum days "suck a**" and she'd rather be in school because she has it "rough at home". Oy.

I can't tell if she believes what she spins or not. Maybe it's part of the brain disorder she has or a coping behavior from growing up in her abusive birth family.

The Boss has started spinning tales too. He makes up things and says he saw it in a movie but it is often something he has just done. I'm trying to head off any tendency towards crazy lying so I tell him that's a funny made-up story.

The truth is out there. Hopefully someday it will find it's way home.

Oh. My. Goodness.

When Squeaker was just 11 years old and frequently throwing all of her belongings out the window of her room, throwing rocks at my car, standing on top of the furniture shouting obscenities, running away, threatening to jump off buildings or into traffic, calling me all sorts of nasty names to my face or to my toddler son, and bullying the little kids, I really had to think long and hard before I adopted her about whether or not I would be able to handle her behaviors.

A near move to residential treatment, lots of stalling by social workers and attornies, a great deal of trial and error with meds and treatment teams and she finally stabilized to the point that her social worker, attorney, and I felt it was okay to move ahead. And during that time mostly what I thought to myself (and said to Ana) was, "What if she acts this way or worse when she is a teenager?"

Fast forward two years later, Squeaker's adoption was finalized this summer at the age of 13 1/2. We've had a bumpy road but it has evened out considerably from where we started.

Until the past few weeks. The good news is that so far my car has been safe and she hasn't trashed the house or her room. She has said she doesn't want to be here but has not run away. She hasn't threatened herself. So that is a great deal of progress that we've been able to hold onto.

But she has yelled at me every day this week, actually almost any time we've had a conversation. Several days she has violently screamed at me and at Ana. Although she is often sweet with the little boys, their interaction must be supervised because her mood changes so abruptly and she can take a mean turn at the slightest offense.

I have talked to her psychiatrist about the recent increase in reactivity and irritability but the doctor thinks her meds are fine for now. Living with so much unpredictability is difficult and sometimes the other kids have a hard time being friendly back when she is suddenly in a more social mood. It's hard for me and Ana too but we can do it more easily knowing some of the reason behind her erratic emotions.

Our program social worker once told us that we are able to see and appreciate the kid behind the behavior in a way that some people can't. It was a nice complement. We do love and see value in kids despite their behaviors but even more than that we can see the potential in them that is so trapped by the fear, hurt, and anger because of what has been done to them. I only hope we are as good at helping them break through all that so they can become whole and free and healthy the way they should have always been allowed to be.

At the Breakfast Table

Breakfast conversations can be interesting because we do not always sit down with the kids to eat but are always in the general area. My computer is near the dining room so when I am working in the mornings I often jump in if the exchange between kids gets out of of hand.

A few days ago, Drama Boy and Squeaker had an interesting conversation which I chose to stay out of because Squeaker handled it pretty well on her own.

She started by saying something about being like "my mom".

DB: "Well, I don't know because I never met your mom."
SQ: "I meant that mom right there. If I was talking about my other mom I would have said (birth mom's first name)."
DB "Why are you so mad at your mom?"
SQ: "I'm not mad at her any more. But right now we share DNA and that's about it."
DB: (starting to get upset) "I just don't see why you hate her so much."
SQ: "I don't hate her. I just have a new family now. Why are you getting so angry about what I call my birth mom?"
DB: (still agitated) "I'm not mad, I'm just saying. I would never hold a grudge on my mom."
SQ: "Just because I call her by her first name now doesn't mean I'm holding a grudge. I don't see why you are getting so upset. It doesn't have anything to do with what you call your mom."
DB: "I would just never do that to my mom."

Squeaker handled the whole thing surprisingly well, not getting angry or putting on a big dramatic emotional display as she usually does. I don't know if Drama Boy thinks we want him to denounce his birth family or what. Not only does he constantly imply that adoptive relationships are not real but also that the adoptees are disloyal to their orginal family even, as in the case of Peaches, they are still very much connected to them.

Yesterday, he intentionally referred to Squeaker by her old last name just to bug her. That time she did get angry especially when he continued to do so after she corrected him.

This messy mix of dealing with fierce devotion to families of origin while creating a whole new family through older child adoption is an interesting road to travel. Especially with kids so bent on finding ways to hurt and annoy.

Recall

And I thought some social workers had way too much power over kids' lives....

The judge rewarded Sparky and DB's birth mom again despite the fact that she's not playing by the rules. She will be allowed to take them out of school (for Drama Boy it's testing week) to a three day parent/child rehab program. This is before she is even permitted unsupervised or overnight visits.

Yeah...ooooookay. After four years they suddenly need to be involved in her rehab? As the social worker said, it's her addiction not theirs and they've been removed from it for a while.

I'm just not gettin' it. Maybe it's just me.

This Just In

News Flash! Drama Boy now saying he really wants to stay...but wants Sparky to move back in.

Poor emotionally fragile kid getting mucked up by family visits every weekend. By the time he recovers and comes to his senses it's time to go back for more.

That judge must have some seriously loose screws to be allowing this.

File Under "Shoulda Known"

Drama Boy called his social worker today to ask if he can move from here, stating that he "really missed {Sparky}". Funny that he didn't "really miss" him until a weekend visit when his mom and grandma could go to work on him. Both boys said they wanted to live apart and DB was going to move too but begged to stay. Now all of a sudden he is clawing to get out and back in the group home. Maddening.

Even though he promised that if he stayed his "getting out" behavior would not continue, it flared up today with a half hour of gagging and crying at breakfast about scrambled eggs. He decided that we were making things he didn't want to eat on purpose just to be mean. Although to be fair, I did tell him maybe I needed to cook foods that weren't his favorite so he could learn to eat them politely as that is an important social skill to develop. I forgot for a moment it is his God-given right to eat only foods that are entirely pleasing and delicious to him.

He was finally excused from the table and then wailed and slammed his dishes around because he is so persecuted. For crying out loud, kid....you won that battle. Does it have to turn into a big drama about how much you hate everybody?

He started in on Lucky again and he keeps asking Ana how soon he can move. He can't seem to understand why that is somewhat irritating after his big, weepy campaign to stay. Ana had to remind him that he is here by his choice and if he wants to leave he needs to be the one to tell his social worker and attorney. Now back to the chore of getting him to do so without his feeling the need to be hateful and make false allegations to get what he wants.

No matter how much he might have wanted to stay, we knew that eventually he would cave to the pressure that his family continues to put on him. He was cooperative and happy for a few weeks after Sparky left and then as soon as he had an unsupervised visit he was back at the same old family line, parroting their exact words. Wrong of them but we're pretty tired of getting jerked around by him even though we know it's a direct result of his family jerking him around.

I think this time we've learned our lesson.

Attachment in Older Children

Earlier this week we attended a training on Attachment, Developmental, and Therapeutic Parenting. Much of this we've heard or read before. It does allow the opportunity to feel some guilt over many of the things we do wrong but also to feel understood that we can't parent normally because our kids are not "normal" in their development and attachment due to their past trauma.

Adoption blogger Claudia has written an excellent post on the cycle of attachment in pre-teens/teens. The idea that bonding in older kids is most strengthened following an angry outburst or acting out by the child was covered again in this training. The child screws up, acts out towards the parent, apologizes and is forgiven, and then trust develops. This cycle must be repeated over and over and over again for a secure attachment to develop between older kids and new parents/caregivers.

Sadly, it's at the point that an older kid is repeatedly spewing hate, calling names, defying rules, and trashing the camp that many parents begin to think that maybe things aren't going to work out after all. It can spell the beginning of the end of a placement for a lot of kids when actually it could be the tentative start of developing trust and attachment. The difficulty in not parenting "normally" is that a "normal" reaction to being treated so hatefully is to withdraw and get away when what the child needs at that moment is to be pulled closer. I know that's been a toughy for me over the years.

Then again, the balance between the needs of that hurting child and the safety of other children in the home has been a challenge as well. Hearing that my little guy told his Auntie that Sparky chased him into his room and punched him really hard, makes me think that maybe we made the right decision about moving him. But knowing that Sparky is a hurting kid who likely feels rejected again (even though he asked for the move) is painful too.

Tough issues that adoptive/foster families deal with every day.