Miss Manners Would Be Appalled

Meal times at our house can be a truly loud and disgusting experience. It is an E-ticket ride and definitely not for those with weak stomachs. I think they should send astronauts-in-training to our place to see if they can get through a spaghetti dinner without hurling. (This is not a self-deprecating commentary on my cooking which is quite excellent, even in the kids opinions.)

I'm amazed at the versatility of kids who can tell a joke (inevitably with a punchline including the words "poop" or "butt") out of a mouth a-chomp with squishy, half-chewed morsels while jiggling up and down, waving a food-splattering fork, and telling the others to shut-up.

Sparky and Drama Boy lived for a year at a boys' ranch where there must have been a lot of food-snatching going on. Sparky now grasps his fork in one hand (he's a lefty so he elbows me at the same time) and the other hand hovers on his plate fingering his food. While gross, this is probably a good strategy since Drama Boy sits to his right and they occasionally filch bits off of each other's plates.

The little boys sit on opposite ends of the table where they change into transformers and shoot each other throughout the meal. The Boss turns his fork into a rocket, spaceship, gun, car, or any other necessary equipment.

Drama Boy is an inattentive diner. Food is frequently slung onto his lap or the floor on it's journey to his mouth. When he serves himself, half the portion ends up strewn across the table or hanging precariously off the edge of his plate.

All are open-mouth chewers. Squeaker and Drama Boy vie for the top talking-with-food-in-your-mouth honors. Squeaker also talks the most so is usually the last one done eating.

The other night she announced, "This has been a really good dinner so far....as far as everyone being polite and having good manners."

In typical mom fashion I felt compelled to add..."She said with a mouth full of food."