Bye Bye Drama

Drama Boy left on Wednesday but he held true to his blog name until the very end. On the night before Sparky left a few months ago, DB had a big crying fit over something. I can't even remember what it was now except that it certainly had something to do with something he thought he should get but didn't. On Wednesday he was teary and rude because he thought Ana should have brought him a present and a better dessert when she went to the store. Oh, boo hoo. She bought him a drum at the thrift store the day before even though he acted like a bug when we found clothes for The Boss and the girls and not for him.

Anyhoo...never at a loss for irony....we packed up two bins of toys, two huge bags of stuffed animals and bedding, two backpacks full of stuff, a gigantic suitcase plus a box of clothes, three guitars, two amps, a tv and game system, a box of outdoor toys, and the drum. He had like 50 shirts (not kidding) and at least five toothbrushes that I packed. It's a darn shame nobody ever bought anything for the kid, or so he told his mom who told it to the social worker who turned it into a referral and an investigation.

And just to show their conviction of his deprivation, his grandma was going to transport their mom, both boys, and all of their belongings in a Saturn. We had to wedge his stuff into every available space in my Expedition with only a small hole for him to squeeze into. When Sparky left he also had a huge suitcase, several boxes, bedding. He left some things with DB that we had to send on Wednesday too.

We've had several occasions that the parents have been so upset and angry over the loss of their kids that they have insisted that the kids are in more danger in foster care. One nutty mother even alleged that her two year old girl was molested by a little boy in the home. That boy was practically a baby and still in diapers. It's sick that some of these kids will always think they were victimized when it's a complete lie.

At least Sparky and Drama Boy's grandma knows the truth even though she made all sorts of crazy accusations in support of her daughter (cold hotdogs? good grief). She told Ana thank you and said if we ever need anything or have any kind of emergency we can call her.

Yeah, thanks. If ever we need an emergency knife in the back we'll be sure to call.

On Birthdays

Our birthday flowers from Friday are all dead so I guess it's official....the party's over and now we're forty.

Birthdays are always kind of sticky events around here. Drama Boy, Sparky, and often Squeaker have a difficult time if anybody gets anything that they do not get. They are of the mind that they are always getting gypped in some way if anybody else gets attention.

On Friday, we got cake and flowers and that was it but if Sparky had been here he still would have been a raging, cursing mess. Non-eventish as this one was we still did not get off scott-free. Drama Boy had a big crying fit when Ana would not drive him to his friend's house nor allow him to walk all the way across town to find him. He spent all afternoon blubbering over the phone book trying to find his friend's listing since he had neglected to ask for his phone number. He did okay at dinner then screamed at Squeaker when she asked him to come downstairs for cake.

We've had crying, screaming meltdowns on every birthday so far this year. This snarkiness is not limited to birthdays. Both the boys were on the receiving end of the "it's not all about you" lecture on Squeaker's adoption day last summer and Squeaker has already demonstrated that she will need it an upcoming adoption day next week. Drama Boy even cries when we take the other kids out to dinner while he is visiting his grandma.

And on the bright side, we were both pleased that no one had a major tantrum and no one called us ugly names which is how we celebrated the past few years. The girls not only wished us happy birthday, they also helped us clean the house before our family came for dinner. Lucky got Ana a card. One of the girls put up some streamers and gave us each a key keepsake on a shoelace (which we wore all day and I plan to wear on birthdays and new year's from now on). I bought a mix and the girls made and decorated a cake. That's more than any of our kids have ever done for us and was entirely sweet of them.

Ahead: The Boss, Lucky, and Drama Boy all have December birthdays. Since DB particularly dislikes the other two we'll be bracing ourselves for plenty of nastiness and bad attitude on their days.

At the Breakfast Table

Breakfast conversations can be interesting because we do not always sit down with the kids to eat but are always in the general area. My computer is near the dining room so when I am working in the mornings I often jump in if the exchange between kids gets out of of hand.

A few days ago, Drama Boy and Squeaker had an interesting conversation which I chose to stay out of because Squeaker handled it pretty well on her own.

She started by saying something about being like "my mom".

DB: "Well, I don't know because I never met your mom."
SQ: "I meant that mom right there. If I was talking about my other mom I would have said (birth mom's first name)."
DB "Why are you so mad at your mom?"
SQ: "I'm not mad at her any more. But right now we share DNA and that's about it."
DB: (starting to get upset) "I just don't see why you hate her so much."
SQ: "I don't hate her. I just have a new family now. Why are you getting so angry about what I call my birth mom?"
DB: (still agitated) "I'm not mad, I'm just saying. I would never hold a grudge on my mom."
SQ: "Just because I call her by her first name now doesn't mean I'm holding a grudge. I don't see why you are getting so upset. It doesn't have anything to do with what you call your mom."
DB: "I would just never do that to my mom."

Squeaker handled the whole thing surprisingly well, not getting angry or putting on a big dramatic emotional display as she usually does. I don't know if Drama Boy thinks we want him to denounce his birth family or what. Not only does he constantly imply that adoptive relationships are not real but also that the adoptees are disloyal to their orginal family even, as in the case of Peaches, they are still very much connected to them.

Yesterday, he intentionally referred to Squeaker by her old last name just to bug her. That time she did get angry especially when he continued to do so after she corrected him.

This messy mix of dealing with fierce devotion to families of origin while creating a whole new family through older child adoption is an interesting road to travel. Especially with kids so bent on finding ways to hurt and annoy.

Recall

And I thought some social workers had way too much power over kids' lives....

The judge rewarded Sparky and DB's birth mom again despite the fact that she's not playing by the rules. She will be allowed to take them out of school (for Drama Boy it's testing week) to a three day parent/child rehab program. This is before she is even permitted unsupervised or overnight visits.

Yeah...ooooookay. After four years they suddenly need to be involved in her rehab? As the social worker said, it's her addiction not theirs and they've been removed from it for a while.

I'm just not gettin' it. Maybe it's just me.

Almost Too Easy

After dealing with Sparky's daily antics for so long it's almost hard to know what to do with peace...okay semi-peace. Drama Boy still takes every opportunity to have a go at Lucky while she continues to put herself in the middle of everyone else's disagreements. Seamonkey and The Boss argue all the day long. Squeaker has an hysterical edge to her voice when talking about math class and has been more irritable than usual since school started. (After talking to her special ed teacher, it comes as no surprise that she is creating the problems for herself in math class.)

Still that's a far cry from over-turned furniture, kicking holes in doors and walls, screeching to annoy, and outright defiance.

Sparky did come for the weekend and was friendly, helpful, generous, appreciative, and entirely pleasant. We hope this keeps up on visits so the boys can see each other regularly. It was an easy weekend for a visit since three of the other kids were gone visiting different family members.

Court again today for the boys but Ana couldn't go because Lucky had a doctor's appointment at the same time. Can't wait to hear what the judge decides to do next especially in light of their mom and grandma's obvious disregard of his instructions last time.

File Under "Shoulda Known"

Drama Boy called his social worker today to ask if he can move from here, stating that he "really missed {Sparky}". Funny that he didn't "really miss" him until a weekend visit when his mom and grandma could go to work on him. Both boys said they wanted to live apart and DB was going to move too but begged to stay. Now all of a sudden he is clawing to get out and back in the group home. Maddening.

Even though he promised that if he stayed his "getting out" behavior would not continue, it flared up today with a half hour of gagging and crying at breakfast about scrambled eggs. He decided that we were making things he didn't want to eat on purpose just to be mean. Although to be fair, I did tell him maybe I needed to cook foods that weren't his favorite so he could learn to eat them politely as that is an important social skill to develop. I forgot for a moment it is his God-given right to eat only foods that are entirely pleasing and delicious to him.

He was finally excused from the table and then wailed and slammed his dishes around because he is so persecuted. For crying out loud, kid....you won that battle. Does it have to turn into a big drama about how much you hate everybody?

He started in on Lucky again and he keeps asking Ana how soon he can move. He can't seem to understand why that is somewhat irritating after his big, weepy campaign to stay. Ana had to remind him that he is here by his choice and if he wants to leave he needs to be the one to tell his social worker and attorney. Now back to the chore of getting him to do so without his feeling the need to be hateful and make false allegations to get what he wants.

No matter how much he might have wanted to stay, we knew that eventually he would cave to the pressure that his family continues to put on him. He was cooperative and happy for a few weeks after Sparky left and then as soon as he had an unsupervised visit he was back at the same old family line, parroting their exact words. Wrong of them but we're pretty tired of getting jerked around by him even though we know it's a direct result of his family jerking him around.

I think this time we've learned our lesson.

Attachment in Older Children

Earlier this week we attended a training on Attachment, Developmental, and Therapeutic Parenting. Much of this we've heard or read before. It does allow the opportunity to feel some guilt over many of the things we do wrong but also to feel understood that we can't parent normally because our kids are not "normal" in their development and attachment due to their past trauma.

Adoption blogger Claudia has written an excellent post on the cycle of attachment in pre-teens/teens. The idea that bonding in older kids is most strengthened following an angry outburst or acting out by the child was covered again in this training. The child screws up, acts out towards the parent, apologizes and is forgiven, and then trust develops. This cycle must be repeated over and over and over again for a secure attachment to develop between older kids and new parents/caregivers.

Sadly, it's at the point that an older kid is repeatedly spewing hate, calling names, defying rules, and trashing the camp that many parents begin to think that maybe things aren't going to work out after all. It can spell the beginning of the end of a placement for a lot of kids when actually it could be the tentative start of developing trust and attachment. The difficulty in not parenting "normally" is that a "normal" reaction to being treated so hatefully is to withdraw and get away when what the child needs at that moment is to be pulled closer. I know that's been a toughy for me over the years.

Then again, the balance between the needs of that hurting child and the safety of other children in the home has been a challenge as well. Hearing that my little guy told his Auntie that Sparky chased him into his room and punched him really hard, makes me think that maybe we made the right decision about moving him. But knowing that Sparky is a hurting kid who likely feels rejected again (even though he asked for the move) is painful too.

Tough issues that adoptive/foster families deal with every day.

Too Many Good-byes

Today we had to say good-bye to Sparky as he moved to a new placement.

We had a special dinner for him with ice cream floats for dessert. Trying to do something "special" for our kids (or any break in normal routine for that matter) always presents a challenge. Add to that the emotional impact of saying good-bye to yet another person in their lives...well, let's just say that it did not create the warm and loving memory we were hoping for.

Drama Boy skipped dinner and, with much moaning and drama, went to bed with a stomach ache. He rallied himself for dessert and then dissolved into a moping puddle of tears and snot when told he would have to pass. Sparky joined in the tears and declared he would not have any dessert if his brother wasn't having anything because "That's what Jesus would do."

Squeaker and Lucky got into a catfight at the dinner table which led to some pretty ugly words from Squeaker which led to an invitation for her to leave the table by Monica. She managed to get in some mean parting shots hollered over her shoulder as she stomped and slammed her way upstairs to her room.

The Boss was his usual exuberant self until he heard that Sparky would not be going to school the next day. Monica had told him that Sparky was moving, explaining that we sometimes take care of kids for a little while and then, when it's time for them to move, we have to say good-bye.

For such a little guy, the Boss has had to say good-bye to a lot of people in his life. He especially likes Sparky and will miss him very much. At the 'no school' comment, he sat up and said, "No! {Sparky} has to go to school tomorrow. Then he has to go to the Boys & Girls Club. Then he has to go to his grandma's. Then he has to come home!" He's still asking when Sparky will be home.

Sparky spent the whole evening fretting about how his clothes were being packed and worrying about his new home. He finally allowed Lucky to make him an orange soda float but cried all the way through it and needed Pepto Bismol before bed.

Everyone was a little subdued tonight and there were a few comments about how quiet it is here now that Sparky is gone. It's been a sad day.

Love is Spelled R-I-S-K

Someone's got short-timer's attitude big time around here. It probably would have been better for Sparky to move the day things were decided in court but it's a long weekend and the social worker didn't want to do any paperwork until after the holiday. The required 7-day notice has stretched into 3 weeks.

Every time Sparky gets an answer he doesn't like he says, "That's why I'm glad I'm leaving." When we remind him to follow the rules or comply in any way, he says, "I don't care. Don't talk to me." He has been oppositional, disrespectful and defiant. Nothing new there. And he continues to find a willing conspirator in Drama Boy.

The fact that Drama Boy is so easily influenced by his little brother's much stronger personality is disheartening. He has stated that he thinks he will do better here without Sparky because he "won't be so tempted to do bad things." Maybe he will just have to learn to take responsibility for his own actions. He will no longer be able to exploit his brother by blaming or deflecting as he has done in the past.

In recent days, he has found it necessary to stand up for what he wants and take some responsibility for his behavior even in the face of pressure from his mother and grandmother. I am amazed that he was able to do that. Although he wasn't able to oppose them directly, he later told the social worker that they told him to say things and "stared him down" until he did. I have no doubt that this type of coercion will continue and that, because Drama Boy is often manipulated by all members of his family, we take a risk in allowing him to stay here.

We are willing to take the risk because it gives Drama Boy the security and stability that he so desperately needs. His mother believes that he is strong and adaptable and able to succeed wherever he goes. There is some truth to that but the constant upheaval has been at the cost of his emotional and social development. Her attempts to disrupt placements due to her own insecurity and need to control has hindered her children's ability to trust and to form meaningful attachments. Drama Boy is only just beginning to realize all that he has lost and all that he still stands to lose if he continues to move from place to place. He has started to talk about and work through some of the pain of the past four years. That's huge progress.

Sparky's emotional trauma comes out as anger...anger that is out-of-control and misdirected. We did the best we could and loved him despite all of his efforts to prevent it. I'm not sure how much we were able to help him during his time with us but, as a friend commented at church yesterday, "At least you were able to put something into him."

Last week, he came home from a Christian camp and told me that he wants to be more like God. A real disciple. That's something, all right. I think God can work with that.

Next Stop: The Twilight Zone

In a bizarre turn of events, the judge denied the mother's petition to terminate my guardianship of Sparky and Drama Boy but then ordered increased visitation with a transition schedule to return them to her custody. How does that happen?

My attorney told me this in a "how dumb can you be that you didn't know they were offering a reunification plan" tone of voice as I gaped at him and sputtered my disbelief.

The boys have been in foster care for over four years. That's 2 1/2 years after the manditory deadline for completing a case plan. Not only that, they are in a permanent placement with a legal guardian. As long as parental rights are not terminated, parents can always file a petition claiming "change of circumstances" but, after all this time and all the obvious lies and manipulation...yeah, I'm a little surprised we're now looking at placement in 4 months time.

The social worker had asked me again if I could keep both boys if there was a no contact order (the agency's recommendation) however, now that this is a reunification case, we believe that Sparky's behavior won't allow it. He will move next week. Drama Boy will stay for the time being and start weekly visits and conjoint therapy with his mom.

Now we are called upon to support Drama Boy emotionally during this transition that we so strongly oppose. As for Sparky, it is with supreme sadness and also some relief that we let him go.

It is sadly ironic that the system that tries to prevent attachment issues often is the cause of them and that the result of a child's challenging behavior due to many moves is another move. Yet we must weigh that against the safety of the other children. It is a terrible decision to have to make.

Ramble-Brain and Other Serious Conditions

I could never live alone because I'd have no one to rant to. Every time Ana and I have lived apart we would have hours long "debrief" calls every night so we could blow off all the irritations of the day and figure out how to turn them into funny stories for later.

I'm home alone with the littles as I was all yesterday morning too. I should be working in between sorting out squabbles, getting more toys down, changing laundry loads, and letting the dogs in and out but I can't quite seem to concentrate. I keep wandering around the house turning off lights and fans and closing blinds against the increasing heat.

When I came back from dropping Drama Boy at school I noticed the front window was open. A perfect invitation for someone to crawl right in when we are gone. I closed the window, closed the blinds, turned off the fan, let in the dogs and got to work. About twenty minutes later I heard a door creak upstairs. I got that ouchy heart lurching feeling that I got once when Ana and I walked in on a burglar still in our home. I saw the kicked in back door and realized she had just gone upstairs where the guy was still lurking. Fortunately this time it was just doors flapping in the wind of open windows and half a dozen fans left on by the kids. Sodapop did take the opportunity to follow me up the stairs and pee right where I was sure to step in it. Lousy dog.

Ana just called from court and things are not going well. The agency was going to request no contact with the boys' mom because of all the recent manipulation and the detrimenal affect it has had on them. Apparently that is not going to fly. We agreed we can keep Drama Boy and consider keeping Sparky (with lots of wrap-around services and therapy) but only if a no contact order was granted. We just cannot put the rest of our family at risk. Their mom is the most hateful and spiteful we've ever come across with all the kids we've had...and we've had some pretty gnarly parents and plenty of false accusations before. DB is so desperate to stay and it's going to be so difficult for everybody no matter how it works out. This is definitely one of the more screwed up, messy, painful cases we have gone through and these boys are sure to suffer no matter what is decided today. What a disaster.

Good Night

We had a semi-eventful night last night but it still ended fairly early and reasonably quietly which is about as good as we can ask for.

Sparky went to a friend's house coming home after dark again, a couple of hours late wearing swim trunks and dripping water around the kitchen. Ana told him to take a shower and get ready for bed which he did without drama and when I went later to check on him he was asleep before bedtime.

Due in part to Sparky's tardy return, dinner was late and some of the kids were dragging by the time it was on the table. The little boys were wildly jumping and wrestling around the entire downstairs before I could get them into the shower where they continued to wildly jump and wrestle.

I sent Squeaker upstairs for a shower while Drama Boy took his downstairs. Half an hour later when Squeaker had not emerged, I went up to check. She was not yet showered but laying on the floor listening to the radio and reading. I asked why she hadn't gotten a shower. She said (well, whined but I'm trying to be nice) that someone was in there already. I peeked in the big boys' room and saw Sparky in bed. Lucky and The Boss were on my heels and everyone else was downstairs. Then she said (or rather, whined) that the bathroom door was locked and she couldn't get in. The Boss walked over, turned the knob, and informed "It's OPEN!". He's helpful like that.

Since it was already after bedtime, I told Squeaker to get ready for bed without a shower and Lucky to get her shower. Squeaker whined (actually, snarled/slammed/stomped...but I'm trying to be nice). After I bathed the littles and put them to bed, I told her to come down for meds. She said rather snottily, "I don't think I want to." When I requested again, she complied. That's a pretty major accomplishment as she used to routinely refuse meds whenever she was angry.

As I got her meds she said over and over again, "What's the last name on those med bottles?" until I finally told her I wasn't going to play those silly games with her. She thinks she can hurt my feelings by saying she didn't want to be adopted. Nope. It's petty enough to irritate my tough hide but does not pierce at all.

Drama Boy again begged to stay. He's panicking at the thought of having to leave this week and asked Ana to go to court on Thursday and tell them that he really does want to live here. Ana told him that his attorney is the one who represents him in court and allowed him to place a call to her voicemail. Only it was the wrong number so he then pleaded his case three times to a total stranger. He managed to find the humor in it as did Ana and Stickers who couldn't figure out why he said the same thing three times in succession with increasing emphasis.

I asked Stickers if all the drama was better in real life or on the blog and she said, "On the blog...it's quieter." And I thought it was because I infused it with my warped sense of humor. Oh well.

And that, my friends, is a pretty quiet evening around here.

This and That

Last day of summer vacation. We went to the beach in the afternoon.

Sparky acted like a stinkweed most of the day but did have some occasional non-oppositional moments. One of the first things Peaches said to me this morning is "They're all being mean." She was right and it continued throughout the day.

Just to add some interest, Ana got a flat tire on the freeway on the way down to church. My carload was late too because the city is doing some roadwork which apparently required taking a quarter of the church parking lot for humongous piles of dirt and gravel. They closed off some of the parking aisles, requiring a line-up of six cars to try to figure out how to three-point-turn their way out of the little bitty remaining space. Peaches was driving so she had all the fun with me gasping and grimacing in the passenger seat. Ana and her crew were, of course, much later than us. Our church is awesome and we hate to miss any of it. Especially because it's really hard for late-comers to find a place to sit.

Stickers took the train down from L.A. and met us at the beach and will stay for a few days. Her train was delayed and she actually thought we would leave without her. No way!

The Boss didn't get a chance to have another scream-free day because I had to wash what seemed like a bucket-load of sand and crud from his spiky updo. That boy has some hair.

Meanwhile the mental gymnastics continue as to what to do about Drama Boy. He admitted to the social worker that his mom, grandma, and Sparky forced him to say this was a bad place and he wanted to leave. He still wants to stay but lots of concerns about potential false allegations by his family and by him if he continues to cave to their pressure. Very upsetting situation and a decision needs to be made soon.

Where is Normal? (Texas, I guess)

A rough week behind us and Drama Boy and Sparky returning today. Who knows what we're in for when the social worker tells them this afternoon that there will be no contact with their mom until the trial is concluded.

And in the middle of it all, The Boss had two major meltdowns one last night and one this morning. When he is overtired and frustrated he sometimes just loses it and screams the same thing over and over. Not a trantrum because he wants something but a total emotional blow-out that usually last about 30-40 minutes. Usually he screams "I'm scared" or "You need to help me" or last night it was "I need to go potty" for a half an hour. Completely exasperating as there is no way to calm him. Finally he wears down and derails from his obssesive repetition and I ask if I can hold him and then he is able to settle down and get back on track.

And Squeaker...what does that girl think with sometimes? Her behavior has been pretty good but she does have a quirky, very askew way of looking things and often does not live in what the rest of us know of as reality. Yesterday she was leaning in the car window and told Ana "I really want to climb through this window right now.....but then you'd probably spank me.....and then I'd sue you...I'd get a lawyer and sue you....I don't know how I'd get the money but I'd find a way and get a lawyer and sue you..." Until Ana had to tell her to knock it off. Way to come up with a completely hypothetical situation and spin it into another threat of allegation.

That's getting real old real quick around here.

One Week Countdown

Final week before school starts! Yeeeeee-haw!

I wish it had been a more calm and enjoyable summer with the kids and I had mixed feelings about sending my babies back to school. But nope. Can't wait to get them all out the door and back into the routine.

This had promised to be a quiet week with the big boys at camp and just the girls and the littles home, but sadly, it looks like it's not to be. The girls have been meanly sniping at each other all morning. They have now made up and are shrieking through the house to put on swimsuits so they can run through he sprinklers.

We have to run around all week finishing up registration and last minute things for school. We have a "Team Decision-Making" meeting (TDM) tomorrow regarding the older boys. Usually I find these TDMs to be entirely pointless, but at this one we will discuss whether Drama Boy will stay and where Sparky will move. This should be pretty intense because bio mom will surely oppose DB staying even though he has stated quite strongly that that is his wish. Sparky is all over the map--one moment wanting to stay the next snarling his desire to leave. The social worker has asked that Ana consider keeping him here but safety concerns must rule on that score and we already agreed that we cannot do it. The TDM falls during Squeaker's registration so I will have to try to make it up later in the week. Just finding child-care for the girls and the littles while we are one county away took most of the evening last night. The results are not entirely satisfactory but the best we could do.

Okay, so NEXT week will be calm and peaceful, right?

"Have a Nice Trip. See You Next Fall."

Last night I took Drama Boy, Sparky, Squeaker and our respite kiddo, J, on one of our "good citizen walks." This time we walked from our house to the nearby WalMart, picking up abandoned shopping carts along the way and returning them to the store.

Despite my pre-walk lecture about staying together, not being loud, rude, inappropriate or otherwise obnoxious, the kids climbed in and out of the carts, ran off the sidewalk, played bumper carts, ran a cart into a fence, did not stay together and were generally loud, rude, inappropriate and obnoxious.

And, just to prove true the old cliche that "no good deed goes unpunished," my flip flops hit some water as I was crossing the street and I slipped, slid, flipped and flopped, landing hard on my knee and rolling backwards into the gutter water. Since we were still a few blocks from WalMart, I decided to continue on, dripping and squelching along the way.

Half a block later, the sidewalk was slick from sprinkler run-off. You guessed it...down I went, this time doing the splits and landing again on the same knee. Not a perfect landing, but at least this time I wasn't rolling around in the middle of the street.

We finally made it to the store, stowed the carts and walked back home without incident (with Sparky cheering me on "there's some water...do you see it?...be careful...don't fall...yay, you didn't fall...good job!) but I don't think I'm going to wear those flip flops on a public street ever again.

Jumble

Drama Boy is almost slappy-happy at the idea that he might get to stay. This is after weeks and weeks of screaming, crying fits that he had to live here. What this kid's birth family does to him is maddening. Being happy here makes him disloyal to "the family" and they let him know it constantly.

I found Sparky crying yesterday when he was supposed to be coming to the table for dinner. I asked him if he was sad and he said yes so I told him it as okay to have mixed-up feelings about what was going on. I rubbed his back for a while and then asked if there was anything I could do and he said "No, that's okay". He came and got his dinner shortly after that and thanked me and Ana for making it.

Except for coming back after dark an hour late from a friend's house (a stranger helping emphasize the need to be where you are supposed to be by saying to them as they passed "Boys, I have your names tattoed on my a**."), they have had exemplary behavior the past few days.

Sad what it takes to get that from them.

The Flip

We have one criterion that outweighs all others when determining which kids can be placed in our home and continue to live here. It is, "Everyone must be safe".

Even though we knew it to be part of "the plan", the older boys' behavior escalated to the point that we no longer felt that all family members were safe from their aggression and verbal abuse. If they were the only children in the house things might be different but, even then, Drama Boy cannot be kept safe from Sparky's constant attacks and badgering and Sparky cannot be safe from himself because he refuses to comply with basic rules of safety (leaving the house without permission and not returning home on time, climbing on the roof, jumping on moving cars, rearranging and throwing furniture and other items, etc...). He even bruised Ana a couple of times from punching and grabbing. His oppositional behavior is such that Ana had concerns over her ability to continue to parent him into his teen years.

The very painful decision was made that they would need to be moved to ensure the safety and well-being of all.

Too late, Drama Boy realized that he was a follower in a "plan" that he wishes now he had not been party to. His birth mom has been encouraging and coaching his misbehavior and hatefullness towards Ana in an attempt to have them moved to a "better" place apparently thinking she will get them back more easily. DB now freely admits this and says he wishes he could take it all back. He sobbed for hours last night as he asked Ana for another chance to stay. Infuriating how their birth mother has used and manipulated these poor kids. She has been so careless with their lives and fragile emotions and then argues that no one but her loves them or is good enough to care for them. She has done a good job of convincing them of it, as well.

Sparky is the primary source of the aggression, destruction, and angry trantrums. Drama Boy is often his target and Sparky's outrageous behavior is the reason that the two have moved from several other placements. So, we'll revisit our decision in regards to Drama Boy with some reservations, many caveats, and insistence on improved behavior. It is somewhat surprising that DB expressed so strongly his desire to stay since in the past he has rejected any notion of connectedness to us and often makes no effort at civility to our extended family.

Sparky, on the other hand, is ready to "move on" (his words) and seems willing to do so on friendlier terms than expected. He wants to come back for visits especially if DB continues to live here. He is filled with deep, explosive anger which comes out as shocking meanness, violent aggression, destructiveness, and routine defiance. He is often personable and fun but when he's mad...everyone had better watch out! He did have to admit that he likes Ana and thinks she's nice and this is the best place he has lived.

His overwhelming argument in favor of moving?

Wait for it.
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We don't have cable tv.




Yep.
And he's not embarrassed to tell the social worker that. Many destructive tantrums were launched due to this sad fact.

We'll always love you, Sparky. This one's for you.

That Hurts

Major emotional meltdowns going on upstairs tonight, emphasizing again that hurting kids can be hateful, hurtful, dangerous, and abusive in an effort to reject you before you can reject them. But they feel it just as deeply even though they expect and practically beg to be rejected in order to confirm what they think they knew about you all along.

Wait, now I'm getting confused.

It makes their broken appeals for acceptance and belonging all the more heart-breaking that they are delivered with such volatile and violently mixed emotions. Can't post details yet but we are in for an awful, painful, gut-wrenching week.

Me, Me, Me. Mine, Mine, Mine.

Proving that the Toddler Rules aren't just for toddlers anymore...

Sparky and Drama Boy came home from two days at their friends house where they had gone to the drive-in and had all kinds of fun. But THEN they saw the shopping bags and so, of course, they looked inside and when they saw that it was things for the girls they both had the toddler-of-all-tantrums. Drama Boy cried and Sparky scowled and threw hampers around after stomping up the stairs(who thought putting the washer and dryer in the upstairs hall was a good thing?). They were both rude to Lucky and DB whined and cried all the way upstairs "I can't believe we've had to live here soooooo long." Again, displacing reality in which kids should grow up in one place their whole childhood with their own version of "if we don't get what we want then we get to move".

It spoiled the drama a little bit that Ana had gone shopping for them too. But not before they whined that Lucky had gotten stuff too and complained that Squeaker got shirts with designs and theirs were too plain. They get mad every time someone else gets something (no exaggeration) even if they do too, because somehow, someway they always feel gypped.

Is it any wonder that we don't actually take them with us when we go shopping? Wait until they find out that the girls got new shoes before they did (even though they will, of course, get new shoes too). Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeez, guys!