Just Another Day

The only thing I wanted for Mother's Day was for no-one to ask me for anything. I didn't want to hear a single sentence start with "Can I...?" or worse "Can you...?" or worse yet "Can you buy me a...?" For the most part, I got what I asked for.

We had a pleasant day after a frantic evening and morning searching for the missing car keys. I found them inside the printer. Don't ask. Not mentioning any names but looking right at THE BOSS.

I had anticipated some acting out from Squeaker because she was working up to it the night before and because my mom and dad arrived today from the east coast. She did pretty well and seemed at ease and not overly performing for attention.

Mother's Day is a toughy that we try to keep as low-key as possible. Drama Boy and Sparky bristle when they think someone is trying to take the place of their birth mom. Squeaker has a hard time getting through the day because she misses her birth mom a lot. Since everything to her is very black and white, missing her birth mom usually means that she is hating me.

Last night, I was talking to her about some self-injuring behavior she was engaged in. She became angry about something I said and ran crying upstairs saying, "MOM would understand!". Knowing her mom and knowing this statement was not true, I asked her later what her mom would do in this situation and she could only answer, "She would beat the crap out of me." Now that is a completely true statement but she almost immediately followed it sobbing "I just miss her!"

I know how much she misses her birth mom. We talk about it a lot. She remembers when her mom was not beating and belittling her that she was playful and fun. It saddens me that she is the only one who wants an ongoing relationship. The last time she called, her birth mother blamed her for everything that had happened then hung up on her. Squeaker was only eleven at the time. Despite it all, she loves her mom and misses her and often wishes that she was never removed from that abusive situation. This constantly comes out in her love/hate relationship with me. In her black and white mind, her mom is either a villian and I am the best mom in the world or her mom is idealized and she tries to punish me for not being her. I understand and, although it frustrates and irritates me, it doesn't hurt me even when she tries to hurt me with it.

It is even more painful for her because she is the only one of my kids repeatedly going through this. The Boss has been with me nearly since his birth and never knew his birth mom. Peaches' mother died and, while she misses her, she remembers her as a loving, caring mom. She has the emotional stability to form new, healthy attachments without all the baggage of having been abused and rejected.

I wish I could change things for Squeaker or do something that could bring her some comfort. Even if that were possible, I'm really not all that good at that kind of thing. So for now all I can do for her on Mother's Day is to hold her while she cries and mourns for her other mom and the old life that she lost.