Hey You

As mentioned in a previous post, our entire family was out visiting this month. That included our parents from Washington D.C., brother and his wife and two young children from Maryland, brother and his wife from Texas and our local family, sister and her husband and four teen to 20's kids. Our own kids have surprised us by maintaining pretty good behavior throughout with just two meltdown days for the big boys. Squeaker was the only one with no problems at all. She was polite, helpful, and appropriate the entire time which has never happened during a family visit before.

Drama Boy has been a bit of an avoider because he didn't want to address anybody as Aunt, Uncle, Grandma, Grandpa. We told all the kids that they needed to use these titles followed by a first name. If they did not feel comfortable doing that they had the option of calling adults Mr. or Mrs. Adult cousins may still be addressed by first name only.

Many foster children get very used to calling adults by their first name only (after a succession of foster parents, social workers, attorneys, rehab workers, therapists, etc...) and it frequently crosses the line to disrespect or "buddy" interactions with those who are not their peers. Although we do allow our kids to call us by our first names, we often have to remind them that we are not their schoolyard buddies and they do need to maintain an appropriate tone and we have regular "I'm the adult and you are the child" conversations when they wail that it is NOT FAIR that we get to do something they that they don't (like stay up later, watch certain movies, or, God forbid, have a Starbucks or soda while they are in school).

Sparky and Lucky had no problem with this rule and of course Squeaker's adoption made her eager to do so. Drama Boy decided to avoid the discomfort this caused him by not addressing any adult by name the entire visit. Because of this he did not spend a lot of time with the adult members of our family.

Unfortunately that meant that some of the interactions forced upon the group were not all that positive. Adults and older cousins stepped in a few times to correct some unruly, rude behavior. We had a few situations in which Sparky flat-out defied several adults and refused to comply with instructions. Drama Boy sat on the floor and wailed when redirected or corrected. Because they are constantly fighting having relationships with a family that is not their own they feel picked on and persecuted when asked to follow very basic rules of conduct.

Our family was very understanding although they are generally not used to children whose first reaction is always to refuse, avoid, rebel, and disobey.