Mean Girls

It's distressing to me how mean Squeaker can be.

I understand rages and lack of self-control in kids who have been deeply hurt but the spite and meanness is very hard for me to take. It's interesting to me to observe my own reactions to Squeaker. I love her very much all of the time despite the fact that she acts unloveable most of the time. I find myself with feelings of affection for her more when she is not with me and then it's a rude shock when she comes back and the attitude and defiance kicks in again. It's sad but true that I like her better when I am not with her because she is so darn mean. And lately she has become petulant and demanding too not getting it that when she cusses me out in the morning and then turns on the charm asking for something later in the day that I'm not really going to be feeling it. I'm not talking about taking care of her needs and making sure she is loved, warm, fed, educated, and secure. Of course, these things are given freely no matter how she behaves. But all those "extras" she's taken to begging for and hinting at are not likely to fall into her greedy little paws while she is treating everybody so badly (not to mention owing me two months worth of allowance for stealing, refusing to do chores, and her trash-talking potty mouth).

Lucky and The Boss keep coming to us saying that she is being mean to them and she can be truly vicious especially to the two of them. Peaches won't let her sit next to Seamonkey in the car. Her attitude and behavior are becoming real barriers in her relationship with me. Then she screams at me that the other two kids are my favorites and they never get into trouble. Well, check it out, they don't cuss me out on a regular basis. Her profanity and disrespect directed at me and Ana are truly astounding.

It's so frustrating because I don't want to live like this and don't want her to have to live filled with so much hatefulness and meanness but we just can't seem to break through with any long-term change. I'm sorry to say that I don't have much hope for things to change any time soon. I want to be able to expect and hope for a positive future for my kids and not hold her back by my low expectations but I also realize that if my expectations are too high she will be frustrated at never being able to live up to them.

Mental illness is so mean and unfair. Child abuse is so mean and unfair. Losing one's family is so mean and unfair. Feeling unloved and unwanted is so mean and unfair.

No wonder.