Secrets

Why is my girl so compelled to withhold the truth even when it seems completely obvious and not even all that bad? I usually have figured out what is really going on way before she lies to my face. Asking only confirms because she is such a bad liar. I'm pretty good at reading signs (and My Sp*ace...it is public, after all, not a diary) and I don't usually get taken by surprise. But what's with all the secrecy about every little thing? Maybe it's a control thing or something. Maybe she thinks I'll disapprove or ask questions or try to give advice or in some way actually try to be a part of her life. Who knows? I do know that all of her relationships and activities outside of this house are what she considers her "real" life and she shrouds it all in secrecy and doesn't let any of us in.

A Slap in the Face*book

I got "unfriended" on FB by my own kid. Kind of amusing.

If I didn't buy groceries, make food, give rides, provide a bed and a roof, pay for hot water, electricity, heat and A/C, I'm sure I wouldn't be on the radar at all.

Gratitude

We've been mulling over the topic of gratitude lately. We've seen the lack of it a great deal over the years in caring for foster children both from birth parents and older kids and teens. That's okay, we can deal with that. We're not in it for the thanks or gratitude (or the "money"....just for record).

What is bewildering, however, is not the lack of it from time to time but the total opposite of it. When you have given of yourself and made sacrifices for the benefit of someone else and yet despite all that you have given the receiver/taker turns things around and not only blames you for their problems but piles on accusation of harm, well, it's a bit of a shock every time.

Recently we read an interesting book by Robert Emmons entitled Thanks! How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier which nailed this phenomenon exactly.

From his book, "Ingratitude is not the same as forgetfulness, or what I am calling "nongratitude". The main difference between the latter two is that in cases of nongratitude, the person fails to do something---fails to respond to a gift with an appropriate feeling and display of thankfulness. Nongratitude is essentially forgetfulness.**Whereas nongratitude is an omission, an absence, a type of forgetting, ingratitude is the presence of something negative. It is a form of punishment. When a person is ungrateful, they respond with hostility, resentment, or in some other way choose to willfully disparage the gift and the giver.**Failing to acknowledge gratitude is not morally equivalent to responding to another's benevolence with hostility and resentment."

Emmons describes gratitude in two parts, "First, gratitude is the acknowledgement of goodness in one's life." and "Second, gratitude is recognizing that the source(s) of this goodness lie at least partially outside of self."

Why are some kids grateful and some kids hostile? I'm sure there are a multitude of reasons and each of our kids, obviously, has come from a difficult past. It's hard for many of them to move on from what they lost in order to be grateful for all they have been given. Some will not acknowledge the help they have received preferring others to think they have done it all "on my own."

We have definitely found that those who are grateful are much more able to accept their situation, move on, forgive, and take responsibility for their own problems. They are more likely to give back, contribute, and show affection. One cannot demand gratitude from a child/teen and it seems self-serving to do so but the fact is that those who are able to count their blessings more than their resentments are likely to be far happier and more successful in relationships and life.

Disappointment

Squeaker was supposed to be picked up today by her younger birth sister and sister's dad to drive down the coast and go to the beach like they "used to do when they all lived together."

She ran half of the way home from summer school so she would be ready when they arrived at 2:30pm. He always runs a late so I didn't worry about it when he was not here by 3pm even though Squeaker was opening the front door repeatedly so she wouldn't miss them.

By 3:48pm I went out to check on the status of things and Squeaker was a squashy, weeping mess. I told her to go ahead and give him a call to find out what was up. When she got off the phone she said tearfully, "They're not coming." Sister's dad has some physical ailments and is often in pain, as he was today so he couldn't make the long drive.

I feel bad for the guy....but for goodness sake's, fella! You couldn't pick up the phone and let her know you weren't coming before she spent an hour and half with her eyeball glued to the peephole waiting for you? This is his second no-show for a visit. It makes my blood boil that he would be so inconsistent and inconsiderate to my poor kid who has had rejection and disappointment enough.

I reminded Squeaker about our previous talks about not putting too many expectations on her birth family. I could only let her know as matter-of-factly as possible that I knew she was disappointed and I was sorry that the outing was called off, knowing that if I gave it too much attention she would blow it up into a huge drama bringing up every hurt ever done to her.

Still, I'd like to smack that guy upside the head.

BTDT Too

Lots of stressful, sad stuff going on that I cannot blog about but in the midst also some answers to prayer.

Veteran adoption blogger Cindy has experienced the same on more than one occasion and through her stories, I am at least not shocked or unprepared to be facing it too. A snatch from her always-enlightening blog today:

"...not only is there rarely gratitude, you'll be lied about by the very ones you've chosen to help. She called it character assassination and she's right on the money. BTDT. It certainly sucks and makes one question why so many deeply painful sacrifices end up being so sadly unrewarding. Usually it's just a big ole OUCH. And life goes on. And on."

I have faith that down the road we will see the reward. Until then....OUCH.

History Repeats

Last night Squeaker came down to dinner chipper and chatty. I was still not feeling too friendly but I nodded and said "Mmmmhmmmm" a lot and we got through the meal. She told a story again about how she broke her arm on the playground while living in a group home. When her birth mother showed up for a visit she became incensed and screamed at the staff, upsetting Squeaker and was asked to leave. I remember this story from reading her case file and the staff noted that it was very traumatic for her.

Today has been a calmer much more cooperative day. When she realized the full magnitude of the consequences she had earned, I expected more outbursts but she handled it okay. I mentioned to her that when she had told the story about her mom it reminded me of her tantrum earlier that day saying, "That's what it looks like when an adult loses self-control." Sadly, that was a very typical response for her birth mom to resort to screaming, belittling, and abuse.

That is why we are working so hard on this, constantly pounding the concepts of self-control and responsibility, while she is still a kid. Losing even weeks' worth of privileges now is minor compared to what she will lose when she is an adult if she cannot learn to control her anger and take responsibility for her actions.

I asked her if she knew what her mom had lost as a result of letting her rage control her. The answer was obvious to us both: she eventually lost all of her children, her family, her job. That is not what I want for Squeaker and not what she wants for herself.

I know that the rest of her "house arrest" will not be so calm and introspective, but I can only hope she will learn enough from her history to take measures to give herself a better future.

"I Can't Believe it's Not Better"

In a world where improvement is often counted in minutes and a hectic day or a minor expectation can set of a maelstrom of violent reaction, better has turned to worse in a matter of an afternoon.

Leaving the older kids downstairs while Ana was out and I was laid up with painkillers and ice on account of a bursitis-y elbow (which I do not recommend....yowzer) was the impetus for Squeaker to careen out of control into smart-mouthy non-compliance.

I brought her in to do her chores and she flew off the handle because Ana had already vacuumed her room and she couldn't use the new vacuum (yes, it is that cool). Unfortunately for her she also called me a nasty name on her way up the stairs earning her a "benching" tomorrow and thus no youth group.

Door slamming, throwing heavy ojects, profanity, name-calling, kicking, ensued resulting in three holes in the walls and two in the closet door as she built up to more than three weeks worth of lost privileges (one day for every profanity, one day for every minute out of the room, and two days for each damage to property).

She also kicked me when I encouraged her to sit with a firm hand on her shoulder. Not sure what we'll do about that yet except call the cops if she attacks anybody else.

Possibly time to rethink meds.

Day Two is a Bust

If Squeaker had managed (or bothered) to treat members of the household with even a speck of respect she would already be back to full privileges. As it is, she keeps resetting the clock by her snarky attitude and mean comments.

She started off reasonably well yesterday with only one small correction about her tone but by late afternoon she was off to the races again. She started in on the Boss again, repeatedly calling him a stupid baby until Ana asked Lucky to take him outside. That made her mad enough that she just would not shut up or stop rattling abusive names and chanting trashy rap songs.

I left Shorty cooking dinner and took her upstairs. I tried to talk to her but that was a complete waste of time resulting only in F-words and "I hate yous" (from her, not me). She also told me that she is going to become anorexic just to show me that she can, angry that I consider her threats to be attention seeking. She told me not to set a place at the table because she's never going to eat with us. Thirty minutes later she was at the table eating and dishing up seconds.

When I left her up in her room to cool down and be away from the others, she shouted names out the window at the Boss and a neighbor boy.

That window now has a lock on it so she cannot open it.

Another opportunity to take a fresh shot at it starts at 4 o'clock when she gets off the bus.

That Happened

In what turned out to be a crummy end to an otherwise nice holiday weekend, Squeaker flipped out right before bedtime and launched into an hour's worth of backtalk and nonsense babble.

Unfortunately she is again demonstrating the fact that she is not ready for privileges that a normal fourteen year old normally enjoys. Last night a neighbor girl spent the night. When Squeaker has friends over, for whatever reason, it increases her rudeness and meanness to the other kids in the house especially towards Lucky and The Boss.

Tonight, while complaining that she's "not allowed to do anything", she also stomped, slammed, called me names, threw stuff at The Boss, mimicked him and called him "stupid" and "crybaby", and talked and sang loudly to herself when I finally parked her on a bench downstairs.

It is true that such immature, out of the blue, off the wall reactions do mean that she's not allowed to do much without supervision.

I wonder what it would be like to parent a "normal" teenager. I really have no idea.

Messed Up

Last night I walked upstairs to hear Squeaker in full-blown hysterics, telling Lucky that she "wants it all to end". I had just sent her up to clean the bathroom but that seemed like an extreme reaction.

She has been hyper-stressed at school lately with worry about starting high school and problems with classmates. Her vice-principal, counselor, and special ed teacher have been talking to her about adding three more mainstream classes to her schedule this semester, an idea that has had not much support from me. With four weeks left of school, why increase her anxiety level especially when she's already having a great many problems with her peers?

As is typical of her emotion-based reaction to life, any slight or difficulty overwhelms her bringing up chaotic feelings of rejection and betrayal by her birth family. Last night's upset was partly due to the heartbreaking fact that no one in her birth family calls her and often they do not even return her calls. It is so sad to have to constantly talk her through the process of minimizing her expectations on them. They will talk to her (with the exception of birth mother) if she calls them but they have never initiated contact of any kind. I know several of them, after being considered for placement, are glad she is someone else's problem after withdrawing their request upon finding out the extent of her mood disorder and antisocial behaviors. One aunt even warned off other family members from having visits with her. That's fine. She's better off without those types. What I can't figure out is why her more understanding relatives make no effort to keep her connected to the family.

Mother's Day Ironies

Just to prove that it helps to have a sense of humor about those days when it's tough to not be the "real" mom:

Ana was putting a photo into a frame so Lucky could add it to the gift for her mom while commenting to me about her dislike of this particular holiday. She flipped the words and sang soulfully, "Sometimes I feel like a childless mother...."

Lucky is the last of our kids who is still in the foster care system. My kids are adopted and the others are no longer in the system but back living with us in a more informal capacity. Lucky's mom is a very nice person but in five years has been unable to do what she needs to in order to parent her daughter again.

That's why I found it amusing when Lucky showed me the card she picked out at the store for her mom which read:
"You've Got This Mom Thing All Figured Out".

No comment.

Nothing Personal

Preparing for what will hopefully be a low key Mother's Day after a couple of semi-stressful days this week which I can't blog about.

I've got nothin'...but Claudia's blog here is excellent and says it all.

Geek High Five

So much going on with all the kids that I haven't been able to get my head straight to blog any of it. I feel like thoughts and ideas and worries are flying around in my brain but none of them connecting. When I described the feeling to Ana, complete with a demonstration of my index fingers shooting past each other but not meeting, she said, "Like a geek high five."

Two challenging kids back to line-of-sight supervision to protect property and the neighbors, daily lies and misdirection, irrational fears and unexplainable fits from the five year old (how will he go to kindergarten in the fall when he cries for 45 minutes because he has to go to the bathroom by himself?), keeping the littles safe from the meanness of the middles, navigating the complexities of older teens stuck somewhere in the crack between adult freedom and childish irresponsibility...all the while being constantly reminded that we don't communicate or do things like everybody's "real family". No wonder my head is rattled. These days I have no idea what I'm doing or what I've gotten myself into.

Squeaker is still acting a bit off even for her. She's cussing me out one minute and then acting super sweet and trying to engage me in coversation the next. She may be able to switch moods in 10 seconds flat but me, not so much. I don't even get how she can be so hateful and then come out and ask me sweetly for a privilege or favor while I'm still feeling freshly overhauled by her latest rage.

A renewed outburst of mean-and-nasty in which she pulled out every cruel insult and ugly word in her arsenal and shoved her bed in front of the door, resulted in her losing her activity for the evening and all privileges the next day.

I thought Saturday would be a toughy because that was the day that she was supposed to go either to Disneyland with her sister or to her cheer competition but her chronic temper had lost all privileges for the weekend. However, she did fine and was reasonably cheerful all day. I gave her a short hair cut as a fix for her hacking off big chunks from one side. She's been cutting/shaving/pulling snatches of her hair for years and I'm constantly taking her in to get it fixed so this time I did it myself.

Another cell phone went missing last week and, although I knew she and Lucky must have it, they kept it hidden for three days. I keep my bedroom door locked any time I am out of the room but this stealing thing has really gotten out of hand. shorty had set the phone down outside while he was on the trampoline and one of the girls just picked it up and slunk off unnoticed. Squeaker asked this week to go to the neighbor's house for the afternoon. Not hardly, little klepto.

Now the girls must ask permission to leave their room in the morning, go upstairs, outside or anywhere we can't see them. We must know where they are at all times even in the house. What a silly way to live. I don't want to be a jailor. Squeaker also frequently says mean things to The Boss when she thinks no one is around. But he's the biggest tattler in the house and then she hates him even more when he brings reinforcements.

As it turns out, keeping them close to home doesn't necessarily mean keeping the neighborhood safe from their obnoxiously inappropriate behavior. Monday night we got a knock on the door from one of our back-fence neighbors. Seems our sweet young ladies have been spending their time on the trampoline yelling naughty words, making fun of the neighbors in a racially disparaging way, and throwing bark and debris into their pool.

You know, I'm proud of my kids and I'm usually happy to claim them as mine but sometimes I want to say to people, "I didn't raise them that way! They didn't get that from me!"

Just sometimes.

Changes

I've been trying to decide if I want to continue blogging or give it up. Things have changed and in the cycle we are in now we seem to be dealing with less annoying-yet-amusing absurdity which was fun and somewhat stress-reducing to blog about. Nowadays most of the kids seem to be in full-blown emotional overload as we go through major life changes for some and major issues with birth family for others.

I want to give a clear picture of what life with older adopted/foster kids and kids with mental illness is like but also want to protect the privacy and confidentiality of said kids. I wish life with my adopted kids was all sunsets and kittens and happy endings like an episode of "Adoption Stories" but that's just not reality. They're dealing with huge losses, emotions, feelings of unfairness, and many other issues and it comes out primarily in one way.....anger. It's not all bad but it sure isn't all good either. That doesn't change the fact that I love all my kids dearly and wish life didn't have to be so hard and frustrating for them.

Right now blogging allows me to de-stress a bit. It helps me to read blogs of other adoptive parents of older kids to know that we are not alone in the crazy life we've chosen. I've gotten a lot of comfort and ideas from other bloggers. I doubt that I have been as helpful but sometimes it's just nice to know that someone else's life is a bizarre as your own feels.

So I think I will continue to blog for now but will need do so in a way that is much more careful about the personal info shared. For those of you who personally know us, thanks for using what you read here to gain understanding and compassion and for loving and supporting my kids even when you've heard the worst.

Peace

Finally a day with no screaming and slamming. A little backtalk and a kicked toy is all. I can live with that.

She keeps giving me a hangdog look and "I apologize" when she thinks that it will get her off the hook. I told her she can stop apologizing and show me with improved behavior if she is truly sorry. We'll see.

I have no idea what to do about visits with her sister since just one afternoon threw her totally out of whack. I'm leaning toward one overnight with her sister here this weekend but no overnight visits at her sister's house since that's where she used to live with her bio mom. I told her that she needed to live in reality and not start to think of the old apartment as home. She agreed but I don't know if that was real agreement or just "give mom whatever she wants to hear so I'll get what I want" agreement. Again, we'll just have to wait and see how things play out and if we can reestablish contact without losing major emotional ground.

One thing I definitely need to do is get her back into counseling. She has done much better without it but now I think it might be beneficial again. When I brought it up to her she screamed at me that she wasn't a "psycho b****" and didn't need therapy. I fined her a dollar for cussing and said I would schedule an appointment anyway.

Happy Birthday Squeaker

Squeaker turns fourteen today. She had a very rough week but, after a confrontation on Wednesday, really pulled it up yesterday. She is off the hook from doing my chores, although still grounded next week. We've had some rough times for the past four years but I think she's actually going to be the one who comes out of her teen years with some wisdom and maturity. We work on her issues a lot and she is often forced to face her behavior and accept responsibility. After some major drama and rage, she usually rises to the occasion and attempts to make positive changes.

Her younger birth sister is coming to stay the weekend with us. She hasn't seen her in four years and is very excited about it. I'm glad her sister's dad is letting her come. She is back in contact with her older birth sister who is now married with a daughter of her own. Yesterday she found out that ther birth mother desires to have contact with her again. I am apprehensive about it because of how horribly her mom treated her at their last phone call, but I am going to allow it with supervision because Squeaker misses her and has been wanting to talk to her for some time.

I am so proud to be this girl's mom. I keep trying to tell her that she is so much more than her diagnosis and her rotten past, so much better than the negative self-talk and victim status that she spends so much time thinking about. Some day she's going to believe it and she's going to be great.

Misunderstood

Lizzy: “Your defect is a propensity to hate everybody.”
Mr. Darcy: “And yours is willfully to misunderstand them.”


CAUTION: Rant Ahead.

Okay then, you were warned.

Ana leaves in a couple days and I am beginning to feel a little apprehensive at being left behind. I, in fact, have suggested to her that the solution may be for her to stay and me to go. I'm pretty sure all the kids would like that better....except for The Boss but he could come with me since he's not in school. Anyway, I dream.

It's not being left alone with the appointments and the chores and the constant "What am I going to make for dinner this time" without end or back-up. It's not even the yelling, stomping, door slams, and eye rolls. What is actually getting to me these days is the backyard or behind-closed-doors (even though they are not allowed in each others rooms) behind-my-back b***ch sessions that are constantly going on.

Often I have kids being relatively friendly to my face or even reluctantly cooperative after a blow-up and I think we're in the clear and then they spend the next few days griping, ranting, and trashing me to the other kids. Thanks so much.

My kids are stewers (is that a word?) building up resentment and anger until it blows everywhere. And it seems that no matter how I respond it will not be in the way that they want and lately no matter what I do or how much I do it is not enough for them. There is always a long list from them of what I should be doing or how I should have done things differently. Of course, the lists are different. One wants to run away because I'm "hard to talk to" even though I have been supportive and non-judgmental when she has chosen to talk to me. One is a huge talker and if I try to help her work through her jumbled emotions and distorted hate-the-world thinking, I am "Always lecturing". I can't win. Can Not Do It. That's my fault because I'm just the mom here....and the replacement mom yet, I'm reminded.

Teenagers think they are the ones so misunderstood (and seem to relish the role). I contend that it's really adults who are misunderstood (and willfully so) by teenagers.

That's why the most difficult part of Ana being away for a while is losing the other person in the house who does understand, which some days is what makes it all okay. Or as Uncle Monty says in A Series of Unfortunate Events, "I may know better than anyone what you're going through. But it's gonna be alright. We'll be with people who can understand us. People who are like us."

Just don't answer the doorbell.

Looking Up

Another blow-up yesterday from the direction of Squeaker but otherwise things seem to be regaining our awkward version of normal.

I had to finally point out to Squeaker that while she may feel unloved because of the expectations and responsibilities placed upon her (I told her she had to finish homework and make-up missed chores before jumping on the new trampoline)that actually I was the one being mistreated by her not the other way around. While I will not put up with her chronic foul mouth, abuse, and disrespect, I still do love her and give her opportunities to try again to improve behavior and earn more priviliges. Within fifteen minutes she was acting cheerfully normal and right before bedtime she told me that she knew what she said about not being loved was not true. Another successful day.

Some days it feels like the old "one step forward, two steps back". However, often those "steps back" can be the springboard for some sizeable leaps ahead. As much as being yelled at and cussed at feels hugely uncomfortable and wrong, it not only allows some issues to come up that might not otherwise, but gives me the opportunity to show my kids that I love them and I'm here for them not matter what and we're in this together for the long haul. I wish I always handled it in the best way when we're in the midst of an emotional crisis but in the end I want them to know that my love and forgiveness and committment to them hasn't changed.

Scapegoat

The kids are back in school today and I am relieved. It was a rough two weeks. Amazingly, the actual holidays were very nice but all the in-between days were pretty awful right up until the end.

Each of my kids had at least two ranting, angry tantrums. That's two tantrums times three kids in two weeks minus the holidays so twelve days which means on average it was a tantrum every other day.

And I, apparently, am the cause of all that is wrong with their worlds. Among the triggers for said tantrums were saying no to a movie at bedtime, asking someone to put something away, putting something away for someone, correcting rude behavior, and showing irritation when I was irritated.

And for such unconscionable acts I have been cussed at and about; have had to listen to, "I don't like you", "I want to run away", "I wish I was never adopted", "I'm out of here as soon as I turn 18", "I have to do everything myself". I've been accused of not doing enough, giving enough, buying enough, loving enough. According to my kids, I'm the reason why everyone is so angry and rude and the default cause of brattiness in three-year-olds.

Of course, they seem to recover relatively quickly and move on to other things until the next explosion and I'm the one still aggravated. Usually it's another day, another snark...I indulge my annoyance with an after bed-time gripe session with Ana and then I'm fine. But for some reason the barbs are sticking this time around. Maybe it's my annual wistful hope for a warm, fuzzy holiday season with my kids which will likely never happen.

So I'm grateful for the space and quiet this morning. And I'm sure they are glad for the chance to get back to school and away from me too.

Mean Girls

It's distressing to me how mean Squeaker can be.

I understand rages and lack of self-control in kids who have been deeply hurt but the spite and meanness is very hard for me to take. It's interesting to me to observe my own reactions to Squeaker. I love her very much all of the time despite the fact that she acts unloveable most of the time. I find myself with feelings of affection for her more when she is not with me and then it's a rude shock when she comes back and the attitude and defiance kicks in again. It's sad but true that I like her better when I am not with her because she is so darn mean. And lately she has become petulant and demanding too not getting it that when she cusses me out in the morning and then turns on the charm asking for something later in the day that I'm not really going to be feeling it. I'm not talking about taking care of her needs and making sure she is loved, warm, fed, educated, and secure. Of course, these things are given freely no matter how she behaves. But all those "extras" she's taken to begging for and hinting at are not likely to fall into her greedy little paws while she is treating everybody so badly (not to mention owing me two months worth of allowance for stealing, refusing to do chores, and her trash-talking potty mouth).

Lucky and The Boss keep coming to us saying that she is being mean to them and she can be truly vicious especially to the two of them. Peaches won't let her sit next to Seamonkey in the car. Her attitude and behavior are becoming real barriers in her relationship with me. Then she screams at me that the other two kids are my favorites and they never get into trouble. Well, check it out, they don't cuss me out on a regular basis. Her profanity and disrespect directed at me and Ana are truly astounding.

It's so frustrating because I don't want to live like this and don't want her to have to live filled with so much hatefulness and meanness but we just can't seem to break through with any long-term change. I'm sorry to say that I don't have much hope for things to change any time soon. I want to be able to expect and hope for a positive future for my kids and not hold her back by my low expectations but I also realize that if my expectations are too high she will be frustrated at never being able to live up to them.

Mental illness is so mean and unfair. Child abuse is so mean and unfair. Losing one's family is so mean and unfair. Feeling unloved and unwanted is so mean and unfair.

No wonder.