Gratitude

We've been mulling over the topic of gratitude lately. We've seen the lack of it a great deal over the years in caring for foster children both from birth parents and older kids and teens. That's okay, we can deal with that. We're not in it for the thanks or gratitude (or the "money"....just for record).

What is bewildering, however, is not the lack of it from time to time but the total opposite of it. When you have given of yourself and made sacrifices for the benefit of someone else and yet despite all that you have given the receiver/taker turns things around and not only blames you for their problems but piles on accusation of harm, well, it's a bit of a shock every time.

Recently we read an interesting book by Robert Emmons entitled Thanks! How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier which nailed this phenomenon exactly.

From his book, "Ingratitude is not the same as forgetfulness, or what I am calling "nongratitude". The main difference between the latter two is that in cases of nongratitude, the person fails to do something---fails to respond to a gift with an appropriate feeling and display of thankfulness. Nongratitude is essentially forgetfulness.**Whereas nongratitude is an omission, an absence, a type of forgetting, ingratitude is the presence of something negative. It is a form of punishment. When a person is ungrateful, they respond with hostility, resentment, or in some other way choose to willfully disparage the gift and the giver.**Failing to acknowledge gratitude is not morally equivalent to responding to another's benevolence with hostility and resentment."

Emmons describes gratitude in two parts, "First, gratitude is the acknowledgement of goodness in one's life." and "Second, gratitude is recognizing that the source(s) of this goodness lie at least partially outside of self."

Why are some kids grateful and some kids hostile? I'm sure there are a multitude of reasons and each of our kids, obviously, has come from a difficult past. It's hard for many of them to move on from what they lost in order to be grateful for all they have been given. Some will not acknowledge the help they have received preferring others to think they have done it all "on my own."

We have definitely found that those who are grateful are much more able to accept their situation, move on, forgive, and take responsibility for their own problems. They are more likely to give back, contribute, and show affection. One cannot demand gratitude from a child/teen and it seems self-serving to do so but the fact is that those who are able to count their blessings more than their resentments are likely to be far happier and more successful in relationships and life.