Attachment in Older Children

Earlier this week we attended a training on Attachment, Developmental, and Therapeutic Parenting. Much of this we've heard or read before. It does allow the opportunity to feel some guilt over many of the things we do wrong but also to feel understood that we can't parent normally because our kids are not "normal" in their development and attachment due to their past trauma.

Adoption blogger Claudia has written an excellent post on the cycle of attachment in pre-teens/teens. The idea that bonding in older kids is most strengthened following an angry outburst or acting out by the child was covered again in this training. The child screws up, acts out towards the parent, apologizes and is forgiven, and then trust develops. This cycle must be repeated over and over and over again for a secure attachment to develop between older kids and new parents/caregivers.

Sadly, it's at the point that an older kid is repeatedly spewing hate, calling names, defying rules, and trashing the camp that many parents begin to think that maybe things aren't going to work out after all. It can spell the beginning of the end of a placement for a lot of kids when actually it could be the tentative start of developing trust and attachment. The difficulty in not parenting "normally" is that a "normal" reaction to being treated so hatefully is to withdraw and get away when what the child needs at that moment is to be pulled closer. I know that's been a toughy for me over the years.

Then again, the balance between the needs of that hurting child and the safety of other children in the home has been a challenge as well. Hearing that my little guy told his Auntie that Sparky chased him into his room and punched him really hard, makes me think that maybe we made the right decision about moving him. But knowing that Sparky is a hurting kid who likely feels rejected again (even though he asked for the move) is painful too.

Tough issues that adoptive/foster families deal with every day.