Messed Up

Last night I walked upstairs to hear Squeaker in full-blown hysterics, telling Lucky that she "wants it all to end". I had just sent her up to clean the bathroom but that seemed like an extreme reaction.

She has been hyper-stressed at school lately with worry about starting high school and problems with classmates. Her vice-principal, counselor, and special ed teacher have been talking to her about adding three more mainstream classes to her schedule this semester, an idea that has had not much support from me. With four weeks left of school, why increase her anxiety level especially when she's already having a great many problems with her peers?

As is typical of her emotion-based reaction to life, any slight or difficulty overwhelms her bringing up chaotic feelings of rejection and betrayal by her birth family. Last night's upset was partly due to the heartbreaking fact that no one in her birth family calls her and often they do not even return her calls. It is so sad to have to constantly talk her through the process of minimizing her expectations on them. They will talk to her (with the exception of birth mother) if she calls them but they have never initiated contact of any kind. I know several of them, after being considered for placement, are glad she is someone else's problem after withdrawing their request upon finding out the extent of her mood disorder and antisocial behaviors. One aunt even warned off other family members from having visits with her. That's fine. She's better off without those types. What I can't figure out is why her more understanding relatives make no effort to keep her connected to the family.

That Hurts

Major emotional meltdowns going on upstairs tonight, emphasizing again that hurting kids can be hateful, hurtful, dangerous, and abusive in an effort to reject you before you can reject them. But they feel it just as deeply even though they expect and practically beg to be rejected in order to confirm what they think they knew about you all along.

Wait, now I'm getting confused.

It makes their broken appeals for acceptance and belonging all the more heart-breaking that they are delivered with such volatile and violently mixed emotions. Can't post details yet but we are in for an awful, painful, gut-wrenching week.