Father's Day

Father's Day can be a difficult day for our kids...another painful reminder of what they missed out on, what should have been.

We took our bunch to church this morning and, as the pastor started his message entitled "God is Our Father", I glanced down the row. Not one of the six kids at church with us has grown up with their father. Most of the children we have cared for through the years have not had fathers.

Lucky cried through most of the church service and out into the parking lot. There's not much I can do for her except hold her and tell her I know how hard it is for her. I tell her that God is her Father and He will never abandon her. For some pain, there is no earthly comfort. Her wounds are deep and her feelings of rejection and abandonment define how she sees herself and how she views the world.

Recently, she participated in an author's fair at school. Her story was about a princess (whose name is a shortened version of her own name) and a guy (whose name is the same as her "crush" at school) at a ball. The first part of the story was a blatant rip-off of Cinderella and Snow White but the ending was original:

"Then something happened to her after that night. She appeared in a garden near the castle. She tried but she could not go back to the castle because her evil dad would not let her in. He was saying, "You are not my daughter. You are a fake." So she went back to (the guy). She asked if she could live with him and he said, "Yes." (The guy) and (the princess) lived happily ever after."

Daughters need their dads or they may end up like this princess, running to another man to provide what they are desperately needing. I can't change the beginning of Lucky's life. Her father abandoned her. That is part of her story. But the ending can be rewritten because God has promised to be a Father to the fatherless. He will not sit on His throne and turn her away. Instead, when she turns to Him, He will be filled with compassion and, like the father of the prodigal son, will run to her, throw His arms around her and kiss her.

And they will live happily ever after.

Love is Spelled R-I-S-K

Someone's got short-timer's attitude big time around here. It probably would have been better for Sparky to move the day things were decided in court but it's a long weekend and the social worker didn't want to do any paperwork until after the holiday. The required 7-day notice has stretched into 3 weeks.

Every time Sparky gets an answer he doesn't like he says, "That's why I'm glad I'm leaving." When we remind him to follow the rules or comply in any way, he says, "I don't care. Don't talk to me." He has been oppositional, disrespectful and defiant. Nothing new there. And he continues to find a willing conspirator in Drama Boy.

The fact that Drama Boy is so easily influenced by his little brother's much stronger personality is disheartening. He has stated that he thinks he will do better here without Sparky because he "won't be so tempted to do bad things." Maybe he will just have to learn to take responsibility for his own actions. He will no longer be able to exploit his brother by blaming or deflecting as he has done in the past.

In recent days, he has found it necessary to stand up for what he wants and take some responsibility for his behavior even in the face of pressure from his mother and grandmother. I am amazed that he was able to do that. Although he wasn't able to oppose them directly, he later told the social worker that they told him to say things and "stared him down" until he did. I have no doubt that this type of coercion will continue and that, because Drama Boy is often manipulated by all members of his family, we take a risk in allowing him to stay here.

We are willing to take the risk because it gives Drama Boy the security and stability that he so desperately needs. His mother believes that he is strong and adaptable and able to succeed wherever he goes. There is some truth to that but the constant upheaval has been at the cost of his emotional and social development. Her attempts to disrupt placements due to her own insecurity and need to control has hindered her children's ability to trust and to form meaningful attachments. Drama Boy is only just beginning to realize all that he has lost and all that he still stands to lose if he continues to move from place to place. He has started to talk about and work through some of the pain of the past four years. That's huge progress.

Sparky's emotional trauma comes out as anger...anger that is out-of-control and misdirected. We did the best we could and loved him despite all of his efforts to prevent it. I'm not sure how much we were able to help him during his time with us but, as a friend commented at church yesterday, "At least you were able to put something into him."

Last week, he came home from a Christian camp and told me that he wants to be more like God. A real disciple. That's something, all right. I think God can work with that.