Secrets

Why is my girl so compelled to withhold the truth even when it seems completely obvious and not even all that bad? I usually have figured out what is really going on way before she lies to my face. Asking only confirms because she is such a bad liar. I'm pretty good at reading signs (and My Sp*ace...it is public, after all, not a diary) and I don't usually get taken by surprise. But what's with all the secrecy about every little thing? Maybe it's a control thing or something. Maybe she thinks I'll disapprove or ask questions or try to give advice or in some way actually try to be a part of her life. Who knows? I do know that all of her relationships and activities outside of this house are what she considers her "real" life and she shrouds it all in secrecy and doesn't let any of us in.

Do I Look Stupid to You?

I surely must to the kids. They lie or at least omit the truth and really, truly think that I don't know it. It's so weird, I don't even get it. Maybe I'm just too sequestered in my own crazy little foster care world and I'm somewhat jaded and cranky by this time, but I find it unbelievably annoying. It's almost like part of a shared culture that they bring with them.

I really do think the most irritating thing about it is that they think that I'm dumb enough to believe them. Yes, I do make it about me far more than I should.

Battling Cynicism....and Losing

Verify

Squeaker has been trying to spin an elaborate lie for over a week and it finally bit her in the butt today.

She had tried out for the school soccer team about a week and a half ago and said she made it to second cuts (despite not having played before and not being particularly athletic). Somewhat skeptical, I allowed her to stay for the second tryouts last Monday.

On Tuesday she left me a rudely hyper phone message (after she had already missed the bus) saying she had to stay after school for soccer practice. I picked her up instead and she informed me that she had made the team. I congratulated her but told her that was not an excuse to miss the bus without permission. Based on previous experience with her flexible idea of the truth, I said that she would need to bring me something with the practice times and the coach's name and number before she would be allowed to stay after school for practices.

Yesterday things started to get more complicated for her. She told me the coach quit and they had a new one now. She gave me a name and number and a list of practice times.

It turned out to be the phone number for the mom of one of her classmates who does not even work at school.

Digging herself deeper, she called from school to say that "Ms. P has a sub today so practice is cancelled so can I go to my friend Danielle's house?" Her phone messages and calls from school are not in the range of "normal". Ever. Ana listened to a message and said "It sounds like she's on drugs." Manic. Rude. Nonsensical. I had to tell her to knock it off today during her phone call because it was so completely disrespectful as if she were a hyperactive monkey talking to an imbecile.

Deeper still, she called right back because her special ed teacher wanted to verify that she was allowed to go home with a friend. I asked him if she made the team. He said "The ***school name*** team? No, she didn't make the team. She didn't even make the first cut!"

Oops. Busted again.

I guess she just wanted to stay after school and hang out with friends. I ask you....does she really think I won't check up on it? Nearly every word that has come out of the mouth in the past three months has been a lie. I always check up.

Hello Young Lovers

I've been reminded by a few people that I haven't blogged in a bit so here I am. It's not for lack for things going on but because I'd been so annoyed for quite a bit of last week.

I've mentioned before about the massive amount of lying that goes on around here. Recently I've been amazed and aggravated at how much time is spent by the kids trying to deceive me. Right now we're in a "secret boyfriend" phase starting right at the twelve year old. Oh, but her birth mom says it's okay so I guess that one is supposed to be all right.

Last week one of the secret boyfriends actually got up the decency to come to the door and talk to me and ask (and apologize) if I had a problem with him. I told him that I had been pretty clear under what conditions he could see one of my girls. Neither he nor she had honored those conditions choosing instead to sneak around and have a relationship in secret and so, yes, that was my problem with him. If he does what I asked him to do then he may come and visit and continue to see her.

We'll just have to wait and see on that one and in the meantime I'm going to have to confront all the sneakiness. The middle girls are also sneaking each other's clothes to school and changing there so I won't know, sneaking into people's rooms to take their things, and asking to go for "walks" every day. Right. It's extremely irritating because now whenever they ask to do something I assume that they have other motives and may not actually be going to the place that they tell me. I won't even get into the covering up for one another, only outdone by the ratting each other out.

And now Valentine's Day is coming up. More drama I predict. Sigh.

Trust but Verify

I can't even do that. One of the byproducts of being lied to all the time by kids is that I can't trust anything they say. Sad.

Unrelated....another three hours in the ER with yet another kid. More on that later.

On Lying

Our kids lie. A lot.

Often they lie to get things they want, get out of things they don't want, or to avoid getting into trouble. I would put that into the category of "normal" childhood behavior which needs to be corrected but is not alarming in any way.

Lies are frequently used to cover activities or behaviors that they don't want us to know about. This is not the same as lying to avoid getting into trouble. This kind of lying is more pre-meditated such as a kid saying they are at a school function or a certain friend's house when really they are sneaking off somewhere else or with someone else. Often my questions of "Where are you going?" and "Who else will be there?" are met with partial truth and some convenient omissions.

I expect to be lied to. I don't like it but I know it happens every day. Often I know they that have lied even when they don't know I know. I have ways of checking up. They all rat each other out so my spies are everywhere. I know how to use MySpace. A couple of the kids have "tells" and would make horrible poker players. Often I suspect the truth even when I can't prove it. A couple of the kids like to scream at me that they are the only ones who get in trouble for lies but that is not actually true. We don't give consequences for lying. Never. We can't. For some of these kids it has been a survival skill. But in any case, we can't prevent it and we set them up to constantly fail if we try to. We do give consequences for misbehaviors that we can prove. Often we know but we can't prove it.

Now crazy lying is a whole 'nother story. One of the kids is a master at it.

At school, she's gotten good grades and lots of sympathy for writing "really honest" journal entries and essays on things that never happened.

She tells stories of something that happened to someone else as if it happened to her. She calls soccer and basketball "her sports" even though she's never played before.

A few days ago I found a note on the floor that she had been passing back and forth to a friend in class which said minimum days "suck a**" and she'd rather be in school because she has it "rough at home". Oy.

I can't tell if she believes what she spins or not. Maybe it's part of the brain disorder she has or a coping behavior from growing up in her abusive birth family.

The Boss has started spinning tales too. He makes up things and says he saw it in a movie but it is often something he has just done. I'm trying to head off any tendency towards crazy lying so I tell him that's a funny made-up story.

The truth is out there. Hopefully someday it will find it's way home.