A much improved day yesterday. Finally, one whole day of appropriate interaction with everyone in the house.
We did have to have another conversation about sneakiness since she keeps wearing clothes to school that she is not allowed to wear and trying to hang out with a certain boy without permission or supervision.
Side note: Why do the kids continue to think we can't figure things out? We didn't just fall off the turnip truck although we don't always tell them everything that we know about what they're up to. On occasion we've joked that the whole place is bugged and under video surveillance which is actually not true (or is it? okay, no, not really) but we do make a point to know what goes on in our house.
Anyway, I'm happy for the turnaround and hope it lasts through today and Saturday detention tomorrow.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Day Two is a Bust
If Squeaker had managed (or bothered) to treat members of the household with even a speck of respect she would already be back to full privileges. As it is, she keeps resetting the clock by her snarky attitude and mean comments.
She started off reasonably well yesterday with only one small correction about her tone but by late afternoon she was off to the races again. She started in on the Boss again, repeatedly calling him a stupid baby until Ana asked Lucky to take him outside. That made her mad enough that she just would not shut up or stop rattling abusive names and chanting trashy rap songs.
I left Shorty cooking dinner and took her upstairs. I tried to talk to her but that was a complete waste of time resulting only in F-words and "I hate yous" (from her, not me). She also told me that she is going to become anorexic just to show me that she can, angry that I consider her threats to be attention seeking. She told me not to set a place at the table because she's never going to eat with us. Thirty minutes later she was at the table eating and dishing up seconds.
When I left her up in her room to cool down and be away from the others, she shouted names out the window at the Boss and a neighbor boy.
That window now has a lock on it so she cannot open it.
Another opportunity to take a fresh shot at it starts at 4 o'clock when she gets off the bus.
She started off reasonably well yesterday with only one small correction about her tone but by late afternoon she was off to the races again. She started in on the Boss again, repeatedly calling him a stupid baby until Ana asked Lucky to take him outside. That made her mad enough that she just would not shut up or stop rattling abusive names and chanting trashy rap songs.
I left Shorty cooking dinner and took her upstairs. I tried to talk to her but that was a complete waste of time resulting only in F-words and "I hate yous" (from her, not me). She also told me that she is going to become anorexic just to show me that she can, angry that I consider her threats to be attention seeking. She told me not to set a place at the table because she's never going to eat with us. Thirty minutes later she was at the table eating and dishing up seconds.
When I left her up in her room to cool down and be away from the others, she shouted names out the window at the Boss and a neighbor boy.
That window now has a lock on it so she cannot open it.
Another opportunity to take a fresh shot at it starts at 4 o'clock when she gets off the bus.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Try, Try Again
After Squeaker's extreme meanness and disrespect on Monday, she lost all privileges until she can go two days showing respect to every person in the house.
Yesterday did not go well. Luckily, she has today to try again. She did earn an extra day for behaving extra rudely instead of turning things around.
I sat with her yesterday at the table while she kicked furniture, threw her stinky socks at me, cussed, complained, undressed, and sang skanky songs. I just cranked up my iPod and tried to ignore most of it. She had to sit with nothing to do for a half hour after she threw her backpack and math book but then she got busy on homework and got one missing assignment done.
She had another flare up at bedtime and went to bed hollering rudeness thus resetting the clock on her "going three days without being mean and disrespectful to anyone in the house" consequence.
It seems so simple but for her is so difficult to accomplish.
Yesterday did not go well. Luckily, she has today to try again. She did earn an extra day for behaving extra rudely instead of turning things around.
I sat with her yesterday at the table while she kicked furniture, threw her stinky socks at me, cussed, complained, undressed, and sang skanky songs. I just cranked up my iPod and tried to ignore most of it. She had to sit with nothing to do for a half hour after she threw her backpack and math book but then she got busy on homework and got one missing assignment done.
She had another flare up at bedtime and went to bed hollering rudeness thus resetting the clock on her "going three days without being mean and disrespectful to anyone in the house" consequence.
It seems so simple but for her is so difficult to accomplish.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
That Happened
In what turned out to be a crummy end to an otherwise nice holiday weekend, Squeaker flipped out right before bedtime and launched into an hour's worth of backtalk and nonsense babble.
Unfortunately she is again demonstrating the fact that she is not ready for privileges that a normal fourteen year old normally enjoys. Last night a neighbor girl spent the night. When Squeaker has friends over, for whatever reason, it increases her rudeness and meanness to the other kids in the house especially towards Lucky and The Boss.
Tonight, while complaining that she's "not allowed to do anything", she also stomped, slammed, called me names, threw stuff at The Boss, mimicked him and called him "stupid" and "crybaby", and talked and sang loudly to herself when I finally parked her on a bench downstairs.
It is true that such immature, out of the blue, off the wall reactions do mean that she's not allowed to do much without supervision.
I wonder what it would be like to parent a "normal" teenager. I really have no idea.
Unfortunately she is again demonstrating the fact that she is not ready for privileges that a normal fourteen year old normally enjoys. Last night a neighbor girl spent the night. When Squeaker has friends over, for whatever reason, it increases her rudeness and meanness to the other kids in the house especially towards Lucky and The Boss.
Tonight, while complaining that she's "not allowed to do anything", she also stomped, slammed, called me names, threw stuff at The Boss, mimicked him and called him "stupid" and "crybaby", and talked and sang loudly to herself when I finally parked her on a bench downstairs.
It is true that such immature, out of the blue, off the wall reactions do mean that she's not allowed to do much without supervision.
I wonder what it would be like to parent a "normal" teenager. I really have no idea.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Style
Squeaker just left for school looking for the second day in a row like she just crawled out of a hamper. Rumpled baggy shirt with rumpled athletic pants and uncombed bedhead.
She keeps shrieking at me that I always say something about her clothing. I do have a thing about telling her to put on a belt. I don't say "Crack Kills" like some other people in the house.
I think she's daring me to comment. I tried to bite my tongue but I did ask pretty nicely if today was pajama day.
She keeps shrieking at me that I always say something about her clothing. I do have a thing about telling her to put on a belt. I don't say "Crack Kills" like some other people in the house.
I think she's daring me to comment. I tried to bite my tongue but I did ask pretty nicely if today was pajama day.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
It Doesn't Hurt To Ask
I guess that was Squeaker's philosophy when she asked if tomorrow, instead of taking the bus, could I just take her to school when I go in for her transitional meeting. At 11:30.
Let me think hard about that. Um, NO. No, not really.
Stony look. Stomping. Door slam (twice). "Leave me alone!. Get away from me!"
I'm not sure that she was expecting anything different on that one.
Meanwhile, The Boss is earning quarters like crazy by picking up someone else's toys whenever they are left out at bedtime. He counts his money every day to see if he has enough to buy the toys he has his eye on. He's got better money management skills than most.
Let me think hard about that. Um, NO. No, not really.
Stony look. Stomping. Door slam (twice). "Leave me alone!. Get away from me!"
I'm not sure that she was expecting anything different on that one.
Meanwhile, The Boss is earning quarters like crazy by picking up someone else's toys whenever they are left out at bedtime. He counts his money every day to see if he has enough to buy the toys he has his eye on. He's got better money management skills than most.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Do Over
Got a call today from Squeaker's teacher letting me know that she has Saturday school due to some poor behavior choices. As often happens when she is upset, she had a hard time maintaining control and the situation escalated to increasing defiance and disrespect. Her teacher called back to say she was dangerously near a suspension but that I could pick her up early so she could calm down and avoid going too far in the wrong direction.
She came home around lunchtime, made herself a sandwich, and then I told her she should help me with the chores I was doing today. She worked alongside uncomplainingly from 1pm-6pm and then cleaned the rabbit's cage after dinner. Wednesdays are usually her "day off" from regular chores so she could have gone the other way and been angry about it.
This evening I thanked her for her help and she said you're welcome and thanked me for picking her up from school.
Have we ever come a long way from several years ago when a day like today would have resulted in raging, throwing stuff, and running away. Mercy from her teacher, an opportunity to settle down and try again, a day redeemed, and a fresh start tomorrow.
I like it.
She came home around lunchtime, made herself a sandwich, and then I told her she should help me with the chores I was doing today. She worked alongside uncomplainingly from 1pm-6pm and then cleaned the rabbit's cage after dinner. Wednesdays are usually her "day off" from regular chores so she could have gone the other way and been angry about it.
This evening I thanked her for her help and she said you're welcome and thanked me for picking her up from school.
Have we ever come a long way from several years ago when a day like today would have resulted in raging, throwing stuff, and running away. Mercy from her teacher, an opportunity to settle down and try again, a day redeemed, and a fresh start tomorrow.
I like it.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Messed Up
Last night I walked upstairs to hear Squeaker in full-blown hysterics, telling Lucky that she "wants it all to end". I had just sent her up to clean the bathroom but that seemed like an extreme reaction.
She has been hyper-stressed at school lately with worry about starting high school and problems with classmates. Her vice-principal, counselor, and special ed teacher have been talking to her about adding three more mainstream classes to her schedule this semester, an idea that has had not much support from me. With four weeks left of school, why increase her anxiety level especially when she's already having a great many problems with her peers?
As is typical of her emotion-based reaction to life, any slight or difficulty overwhelms her bringing up chaotic feelings of rejection and betrayal by her birth family. Last night's upset was partly due to the heartbreaking fact that no one in her birth family calls her and often they do not even return her calls. It is so sad to have to constantly talk her through the process of minimizing her expectations on them. They will talk to her (with the exception of birth mother) if she calls them but they have never initiated contact of any kind. I know several of them, after being considered for placement, are glad she is someone else's problem after withdrawing their request upon finding out the extent of her mood disorder and antisocial behaviors. One aunt even warned off other family members from having visits with her. That's fine. She's better off without those types. What I can't figure out is why her more understanding relatives make no effort to keep her connected to the family.
She has been hyper-stressed at school lately with worry about starting high school and problems with classmates. Her vice-principal, counselor, and special ed teacher have been talking to her about adding three more mainstream classes to her schedule this semester, an idea that has had not much support from me. With four weeks left of school, why increase her anxiety level especially when she's already having a great many problems with her peers?
As is typical of her emotion-based reaction to life, any slight or difficulty overwhelms her bringing up chaotic feelings of rejection and betrayal by her birth family. Last night's upset was partly due to the heartbreaking fact that no one in her birth family calls her and often they do not even return her calls. It is so sad to have to constantly talk her through the process of minimizing her expectations on them. They will talk to her (with the exception of birth mother) if she calls them but they have never initiated contact of any kind. I know several of them, after being considered for placement, are glad she is someone else's problem after withdrawing their request upon finding out the extent of her mood disorder and antisocial behaviors. One aunt even warned off other family members from having visits with her. That's fine. She's better off without those types. What I can't figure out is why her more understanding relatives make no effort to keep her connected to the family.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Playing it Cool
Squeaker's teacher called today to let me know she had gone missing for a while at P.E. He and the classroom aides had to look for her. She reappeared shortly after confessing that she had gone to play basketball with the lunch kids. She got snarky with one of the aides on the way back to the classroom and walked off again, earning two days of lunch detention and a drop in privilege levels in her special ed classroom.
She got off the bus and came in the door after school already on the defensive and speculating loudly to Stickers about what her punishment might be. I surprised her by saying nothing about the incident and asking her to change clothes and bathe one of the dogs. She was pleasant from then on.
It could have been an ugly afternoon. I figure there is nothing to be gained at all by telling her again that she needs to be where she is supposed to be. Her teacher imposed appropriate consequences which can be dealt with entirely at school without increasing tension at home.
I am curious to see if she brings up the event to me. She has a hard time keeping things to herself so I know that before too long we'll be able to discuss it in a calm way without her going on the attack because I'm "lecturing" again.
UPDATE: Well, she did sort of bring it up. While helping clear dishes with the other kids after dinner, she walked back into the dining room, gave me a look and said loudly in a babyish voice "I was a good girl in P.E. today." I still made no comment and she dropped it. Weird.
She got off the bus and came in the door after school already on the defensive and speculating loudly to Stickers about what her punishment might be. I surprised her by saying nothing about the incident and asking her to change clothes and bathe one of the dogs. She was pleasant from then on.
It could have been an ugly afternoon. I figure there is nothing to be gained at all by telling her again that she needs to be where she is supposed to be. Her teacher imposed appropriate consequences which can be dealt with entirely at school without increasing tension at home.
I am curious to see if she brings up the event to me. She has a hard time keeping things to herself so I know that before too long we'll be able to discuss it in a calm way without her going on the attack because I'm "lecturing" again.
UPDATE: Well, she did sort of bring it up. While helping clear dishes with the other kids after dinner, she walked back into the dining room, gave me a look and said loudly in a babyish voice "I was a good girl in P.E. today." I still made no comment and she dropped it. Weird.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
It's a Great Year to Be a Nerd
Wolverine last weekend and Star Trek this weekend...what more could a couple of geeky sci-fi loving moms want anyway?
Friday, May 8, 2009
Mother's Day Ironies
Just to prove that it helps to have a sense of humor about those days when it's tough to not be the "real" mom:
Ana was putting a photo into a frame so Lucky could add it to the gift for her mom while commenting to me about her dislike of this particular holiday. She flipped the words and sang soulfully, "Sometimes I feel like a childless mother...."
Lucky is the last of our kids who is still in the foster care system. My kids are adopted and the others are no longer in the system but back living with us in a more informal capacity. Lucky's mom is a very nice person but in five years has been unable to do what she needs to in order to parent her daughter again.
That's why I found it amusing when Lucky showed me the card she picked out at the store for her mom which read:
"You've Got This Mom Thing All Figured Out".
No comment.
Ana was putting a photo into a frame so Lucky could add it to the gift for her mom while commenting to me about her dislike of this particular holiday. She flipped the words and sang soulfully, "Sometimes I feel like a childless mother...."
Lucky is the last of our kids who is still in the foster care system. My kids are adopted and the others are no longer in the system but back living with us in a more informal capacity. Lucky's mom is a very nice person but in five years has been unable to do what she needs to in order to parent her daughter again.
That's why I found it amusing when Lucky showed me the card she picked out at the store for her mom which read:
"You've Got This Mom Thing All Figured Out".
No comment.
Nothing Personal
Preparing for what will hopefully be a low key Mother's Day after a couple of semi-stressful days this week which I can't blog about.
I've got nothin'...but Claudia's blog here is excellent and says it all.
I've got nothin'...but Claudia's blog here is excellent and says it all.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Pardon Our Dust
For those of you who actually noticed we were gone briefly, please excuse our absence. By request, I had to do a bit of deleting of posts and pictures mentioning particular individuals. Onward we plow although minus identifying pictures from now on.
On my back and forth considerations of what to do about next year, I guess I'm back again. Squeaker is overly anxious about going to high school next year and heartbreakingly pained about her lack of friends at her current school. Exacerbated by the fact that she has been repeatedly told that she is going to get beat up in high school and that nobody will like her if she doesn't change how she acts. Ever so not helpful.
Her special ed teacher called me about an upcoming transitional meeting and when I asked how things were going there he said, "She said her birth sister died and she just hasn't told you yet." Um, no. Not even close to reality in fact she does not have any contact with birth family that I do not know about. He also said that she had a rough day when I got back from my trip because I had let her sister stay home from school and not her. Again, no. In fact, she was the only one I saw that morning before school.
Makes me continue to think she is not quite ready for mainstream classes and her extreme anxiety and social difficulties make me wonder again if she should be in public school at all. The only thing that makes me want to send her there instead of homeschooling her is my own self-preservation instincts. A twinkie response on my part that I do not want to put myself through the emotional challenge of being with her all day without break. However, on my "back" reflections and research I am now considering the fact that she has to work extraordinarily hard to keep herself in check at school which may be part of the reason that she falls apart sometimes at home where she is much more comfortable.
And while I'm back again...the public schools here seem fine. The curriculum is pretty good. The teachers seem okay (except during political season...don't get me started). But the kids....oy! They seem pretty mean in every school we've encountered so far. I'm not sure I want to send the Boss into that environment either.
I'm giving myself a week to decide because I have to enroll the Boss and decide whether or not I will require Squeaker to take summer school classes.
On my back and forth considerations of what to do about next year, I guess I'm back again. Squeaker is overly anxious about going to high school next year and heartbreakingly pained about her lack of friends at her current school. Exacerbated by the fact that she has been repeatedly told that she is going to get beat up in high school and that nobody will like her if she doesn't change how she acts. Ever so not helpful.
Her special ed teacher called me about an upcoming transitional meeting and when I asked how things were going there he said, "She said her birth sister died and she just hasn't told you yet." Um, no. Not even close to reality in fact she does not have any contact with birth family that I do not know about. He also said that she had a rough day when I got back from my trip because I had let her sister stay home from school and not her. Again, no. In fact, she was the only one I saw that morning before school.
Makes me continue to think she is not quite ready for mainstream classes and her extreme anxiety and social difficulties make me wonder again if she should be in public school at all. The only thing that makes me want to send her there instead of homeschooling her is my own self-preservation instincts. A twinkie response on my part that I do not want to put myself through the emotional challenge of being with her all day without break. However, on my "back" reflections and research I am now considering the fact that she has to work extraordinarily hard to keep herself in check at school which may be part of the reason that she falls apart sometimes at home where she is much more comfortable.
And while I'm back again...the public schools here seem fine. The curriculum is pretty good. The teachers seem okay (except during political season...don't get me started). But the kids....oy! They seem pretty mean in every school we've encountered so far. I'm not sure I want to send the Boss into that environment either.
I'm giving myself a week to decide because I have to enroll the Boss and decide whether or not I will require Squeaker to take summer school classes.
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