Battling Cynicism....and Losing

Verify

Squeaker has been trying to spin an elaborate lie for over a week and it finally bit her in the butt today.

She had tried out for the school soccer team about a week and a half ago and said she made it to second cuts (despite not having played before and not being particularly athletic). Somewhat skeptical, I allowed her to stay for the second tryouts last Monday.

On Tuesday she left me a rudely hyper phone message (after she had already missed the bus) saying she had to stay after school for soccer practice. I picked her up instead and she informed me that she had made the team. I congratulated her but told her that was not an excuse to miss the bus without permission. Based on previous experience with her flexible idea of the truth, I said that she would need to bring me something with the practice times and the coach's name and number before she would be allowed to stay after school for practices.

Yesterday things started to get more complicated for her. She told me the coach quit and they had a new one now. She gave me a name and number and a list of practice times.

It turned out to be the phone number for the mom of one of her classmates who does not even work at school.

Digging herself deeper, she called from school to say that "Ms. P has a sub today so practice is cancelled so can I go to my friend Danielle's house?" Her phone messages and calls from school are not in the range of "normal". Ever. Ana listened to a message and said "It sounds like she's on drugs." Manic. Rude. Nonsensical. I had to tell her to knock it off today during her phone call because it was so completely disrespectful as if she were a hyperactive monkey talking to an imbecile.

Deeper still, she called right back because her special ed teacher wanted to verify that she was allowed to go home with a friend. I asked him if she made the team. He said "The ***school name*** team? No, she didn't make the team. She didn't even make the first cut!"

Oops. Busted again.

I guess she just wanted to stay after school and hang out with friends. I ask you....does she really think I won't check up on it? Nearly every word that has come out of the mouth in the past three months has been a lie. I always check up.

Fickle

Last night The Boss was settled into bed and I was working on the computer. All was peaceful until he caught sight of a crane fly smacking the blinds. Crane flies (more commonly known as mosquito eaters or colloquially as mosquito hawks or sometimes as daddy-long legs--but that makes me think of the spider--or at our house, for reasons obscure, as "freddies") are oddly leggy but harmless and, though related to mosquitos, do not buzz annoyingly. I don't know if they actually eat mosquitos but I tell the kids they do so they won't bother me about it when they see one.

However, the Boss is inordinately freaked by winged and crawly insects so naturally he became increasingly agitated and kept telling me to "Get it out!". Finally, I snatched the freddy by the wing and flicked it out the door. Deed done. Be quiet and go to bed.

Um, no. That led to ten minutes of him sulking and crying and repeating, "You're mean, mommy. You killed it." and "I want it IN!". For cryin' out loud. Really?

He even opened the door to let it back in and it wouldn't come. So to get some peace and quiet, I got up again and let it back into the room where it flew too close to the bed resulting in cries of, "Get it, mom!" Nope. Deal with it.

This morning it was in my shower and I had to grab it by the wing again and toss it out. The Boss had forgotten all about it.

I'm Off

Squeaker made the school soccer team but didn't make the school bus on the way home to stay for practice. After the bus had already left her phone message was, "Mommmmmmeeeeeee, I have to stay after schoooooooool. Yeah, and I don't like you. Bye." No, she didn't stay for practice today. I went and picked her up. But, yea that she made the team and is pulling up her algebra grade....finally.

I'm leaving tonight to drive up to Oregon with my other sister to pick up her daughter at college. Can't wait to see her. Plus, no kids for two days....freedom!

Ana is back from Washington D.C. She might blog. She might not.

Busted

I got the phone back when I texted from an unfamiliar number and Lucky replied. Oops. Gotcha.

Squeaker had trouble in school today and called her teacher's aide a nasty name.

Still need to discuss consequences with both but we've definitely got some lost privileges to talk about. Squeaker's already in a majorly snarky mood so it should be a fun evening.


Update: That went about as expected with Squeaker although it could've been a lot worse. She refused meds and has been yelling down the hall at me but so far she's kept any profanity under her breath. Still, I don't see Disneyland in her future.

Update on the Update: Never mind. She just goes from bad to worse and comes up with endless mean, ugly, pointedly hurtful things to say. I sure hope I can get her to school tomorrow because I sure don't want to hang out all day with her. I managed to stay very calm but she is really getting to me lately. I need a break. For the next four years or so.

That's Not Okay

I've been trying to keep my bedroom door locked since certain someones have decided they can enter at will and help themselves.

But today The Boss needed to get something and I was cooking dinner so I gave him the key to unlock my room. He couldn't figure out how to pull the key out after he unlocked it so Lucky told him just to leave it in the door.

The next time I went upstairs I discovered that one of the little sneaking thieveses decided to steal Lucky's cell phone back.

They both pleaded innocent with big wide eyes so I went ahead and searched everystinkingwhere.

And the thing that is irritating me the most is that they've sneaked so well that I can't find it.

Consequences

Several days ago Lucky ran past my bedroom door with a small cosmetic bag tucked under her arm.
I said, "No nail polish upstairs."
She said after a brief pause,"It's not, it's, um, make-up." Right.
I said, "Okay, but no nail polish or you'll lose the privilege."
She said, "Okay."

A little while later I went to the girls' room to tell them to quiet down.
Sniff, sniff.
That smells like nail polish.
I said, "Hand it all over."

On Friday she was pestering me for the return of her cell phone to take it back to her mom's house, promising to delete her dad's number because she is not allowed to call him.
I said, "Here's the deal. You are not allowed to have a cell phone here but you keep sneaking it back into the house. I'm going to give it to you to take back to your mom's house but I never want to see it again. If you bring it back here you'll lose it for good."
She said, "Okay."

Last night Ana asked me why Squeaker was texting her from a cell with our area code. Turns out Squeaker had taken the prepaid phone that the kids use...the one I had been looking for all weekend to give to Peaches or Shorty while they were gone.
I went to her room and asked for it and on the second request she said, "It's {Lucky's}."
I said, "Give me the one that you stole from my room." She got the phone.
Then I said to Lucky, "Do you have your phone here?" She produced it from under the covers and I took that one too.
I said, "Good night. Lights out." and left.

I little while later I went back to their room to tell them to be quiet.
Sniff, sniff.
That smells like nail polish.
I said, "Who's putting on nail polish?"
Squeaker said, "Both of us."
I said, "Hand over all of it." She came up with two bottles.
Me: "Hand over all of it." She jerked open a drawer and gave me one more bottle.
Me: "Hand over all of it." She jerked open the same drawer and gave me four more bottles. I took the nail polish remover too and found two more bottles today. Squeaker likes to use her socks, quilt, and the rug to mop up nail polish spills so it is strictly forbidden upstairs.
I reminded them that they had now lost the privileges of using nail polish at all and said, "Good night. Lights out."

I thought I was pretty clear. Did they think I was kidding or that I couldn't figure it out? Or maybe they just don't care. I have no idea.

Anyway, this afternoon I noticed that Squeaker had scribbled on the sodoku puzzle she was working on last night "F--- ya!" and "Monica is a skanky hoe"(sic).
Yeah, that'll show me.

This is Fun

I was poking around YouTube looking for something else and I came across this video from our church a few years ago. It is from the day that my daughters and three of our foster kids were baptized (back then they were all still foster kids, I guess). There are a few quick glimpses of them in there. Kinda cool. Baptism days at our church are crazy awesome.

Moody

Squeaker's mood has been fine but mine has not. I am exceedingly grouchy this week. It would kind of help if kids would stop asking me for things (especially when I am already in bed or not yet out of bed or just starting to do something else) and if some kids could be a lot less loudly shrill and if the fifth-wheel dog would quit peeing all over the place and making a big mess in the garage and if people wouldn't eat my restaurant leftovers when I was planning on making that my breakfast.

However, it's not really anybody else, it's just me not working hard enough at keeping my head in the right place....also this rotten, thumping two-day-old headache.

One Day At a Time

Things were better yesterday with Squeaker apart from having to go pick her up (right after I had put the littles down for a nap) because she "missed the bus". I had halfway expected her to miss it because there was a soccer meeting she wanted to go to after school even though I told her to come straight home.

I had a brief talk with her this morning about how she has been acting the past few weeks and that things needed to change including the way I was reacting to it. She didn't disagree when I suggested that visiting her sister and sister's dad was causing an internal struggle with loyalties. She has not been thinking of us as family because she still wants them and she is a very black-and-white thinker. I told her that her orginal family can still be family as is her adoptive family. She nodded hesitantly so I'm not sure what she's getting from that.

Anyway, we're on a day-by-day system now wherein she has no privileges whatsoever and has to earn them for the next day. Hoping this will work better than the loss of privileges system which just makes her mad and gives no incentive to stop. She can easily turn one day of lost privileges into two weeks of wrath and hell. She has agreed to the earning privileges method and still wants to be able to go to Disneyland with her sister next month so I'm hoping for positive results at least for the next few weeks.

"Some Beach....Somewhere"*

Squeaker's behavior is tanking again and I am not handling it well. I am so over and done with being screamed at and called names by her. My patience is worn thin and I'm having a hard time getting a grip on my reactions.

I did laugh at a couple of her rantings today though. I said something about her being barely out of childhood and she said, "So's your mother!" Huh? That doesn't even make a good joke. She also likes to tell me how old and wrinkled and decrepit I am and today I laughed at that too. Until she slammed a bench into the wall and made a dent. I grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her away from the wall and told her to just get up to her room away from everyone else. That was the wrong thing to do (obviously, you say) and it unleashed a torrent of "F--- you!"s all the way up the stairs along with a lot more slamming.

That kid brings out the absolute worst in me and I feel terrible about it. Although most days I'm able to keep myself pretty much in check.

What we are doing is not working and we need to try something else.

Plus, the pharmacy is having some sort of problem with the insurance and we won't have all her meds for the morning.

Find a happy place.....


*Blake Shelton

Delightful Day

Squeaker's bio sister is here to spend the night. Everyone is playing games, throwing balls and frisbees (and grapes), jumping on the trampoline, laughing and enjoying one another. It's sunny, albeit with a chilly breeze, but yesterday was cold and cloudy. Shorty and I got out this morning to mow and trim so the yard is fit for company. We had hamburgers and hotdogs on the grill and will make a fire in the pit tonight for s'mores. I wish Ana was here to hang out with us, but otherwise an almost perfect day.

I Miss Grown-Ups

I'm feeling especially nostalgic today missing the comraderie of my old radio days back in the "good old days" before it became time to move on. I miss my buddies...people who knew all the back-story and the inside jokes and where the bodies are buried (or the Wile E. Coyote heads). I miss the puns and one-liners and runs for Chinese and cheapy-mexican food. I miss the exchange of ideas and department head meetings and training people and writing ad copy. I miss reciprocal relationships, respect, friendship, and being appreciated. I kinda miss my nice paycheck too.

Humdinger

Squeaker and Lucky had a shriekingly loud go-at-it last night over a hairbrush. Lucky said Squeaker gave it to her but Squeaker was peeved about something and demanded it back. This is why we have very strict rules about not giving away or borrowing each other's possessions in this house. Also, when someone has something new we must often assume it is stolen.

Sadly, Squeaker allowed things to get to the point of threatening, bullying, wishing Lucky dead and then shouting me down and threatening to call a social worker to get one of them moved. Good luck with that, sweetheart.

She now must go 48 hours without threatening or disrespectful behavior to earn back privileges. Generally it takes about three or four days to get 48 hours straight.

And I have to go buy Lucky a new hairbrush.

The Bribe

The Boss has a great many fears and phobias and pecularities that makes it difficult sometimes to get him to do normal things that a five year old should do on his own.

He will not go into a room by himself, let alone sleep by himself. He chooses his clothes for the day based on which one has the kind of tag he likes to touch. For a long time he wouldn't wear long sleeves or shorts. He becomes almost hysterical when he has to get his hair cut because he gets itchy. He was terribly difficult to potty train because he was afraid of the toilet and would pull his shirt up over his nose at the smell of his own pee. He doesn't just object, he screams and cries piteously for hours. Undiagnosed as of yet apart from some developmental delays, getting him assessed is something I think we will need to do in order to insure his success in school. It is quite possible we will just find out he's just a quirky little dude.

We've helped him progress in some of these areas by taking it slow and offering tempting bribes along the way. It cost me three really cool toys and a ton of candies just to get him potty trained. He had just turned four years old and it was our third attempt.

Our current challenge is getting him to go to the bathroom on his own without crying and begging me to go with him because he is too scared. I couldn't even be in the kitchen when he used the downstairs bathroom just down a short hall or in the master bedroom when he used the bathroom there. It's been three days and so far so good. I bought a huge bag of individual m&m packages and he can choose a package every time he uses the bathroom without asking me to go with him as long as he shares it with Seamonkey. He's drinking a lot of water to earn more candy and has been chowing down on quite a lot of it. It's okay by me to sugar him up good for the week if that means not being begged or ordered to go to the bathroom with him all day long.

Is he not so stankin' cute, though?

Changes

I've been trying to decide if I want to continue blogging or give it up. Things have changed and in the cycle we are in now we seem to be dealing with less annoying-yet-amusing absurdity which was fun and somewhat stress-reducing to blog about. Nowadays most of the kids seem to be in full-blown emotional overload as we go through major life changes for some and major issues with birth family for others.

I want to give a clear picture of what life with older adopted/foster kids and kids with mental illness is like but also want to protect the privacy and confidentiality of said kids. I wish life with my adopted kids was all sunsets and kittens and happy endings like an episode of "Adoption Stories" but that's just not reality. They're dealing with huge losses, emotions, feelings of unfairness, and many other issues and it comes out primarily in one way.....anger. It's not all bad but it sure isn't all good either. That doesn't change the fact that I love all my kids dearly and wish life didn't have to be so hard and frustrating for them.

Right now blogging allows me to de-stress a bit. It helps me to read blogs of other adoptive parents of older kids to know that we are not alone in the crazy life we've chosen. I've gotten a lot of comfort and ideas from other bloggers. I doubt that I have been as helpful but sometimes it's just nice to know that someone else's life is a bizarre as your own feels.

So I think I will continue to blog for now but will need do so in a way that is much more careful about the personal info shared. For those of you who personally know us, thanks for using what you read here to gain understanding and compassion and for loving and supporting my kids even when you've heard the worst.

For Now

Squeaker seems to have settled down for now. She usually has about a good week or so of calm, more regulated moods before we cycle around again. Her little sister is going to continue to go to church with us. She used to go with some neighbors but she likes our church better and gets to spend time with Squeaker since we go out for lunch after so it's nice for everybody. She and her dad are coming up this way next weekend. We agreed that we want them to have a lot of contact but neither one is ready for overnight visits since they both have had pretty mixed up emotions the past few weeks since they started seeing each other again. We'll just have to take it slow and see how things progress.