This week the kid's start the state standards testing in school. Squeaker has been obsessing for weeks about it to the point of being extremely irritating. The teachers are really building it up and putting the pressure on and she has been freaking out about it which for her takes the form of tears, temper, non-stop talking, and a full blown rage last night as we tried to get her and Lucky settled into their new room.
Possibly brought on by the stress, she has been increasingly mouthy and mean to the Boss, a favorite target. Although her treatment of him had improved somewhat she's on the downward skids again. He's afraid to walk past her or go into a room with her unless someone comes with him. She says unkind things to him and calls him names when she thinks no one can hear. And lately even in front of us as she herself pointed out last night.
In the horrifying early days of her diagnosis and botch job by the psychiatrist prescribing totally wrong meds, she was especially mean to him and would punch him, block his path, and steal his toys when I wasn't looking. He was two and she was eleven. Is it any wonder he is permanantly glued to my hip? I had to keep him constantly with me so he would be safe from her and other emotionally traumatized kids. Now he freaks out if he is not with me all the time. That plus his minor developmental delays gives her lots of ammo for hatefulness towards him.
Very frustrating as much of my time is still spent making sure that the two of them are never alone together even though he is now five and has quite a little mouth of his own.
Showing posts with label rages. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rages. Show all posts
Monday, April 20, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Humdinger
Squeaker and Lucky had a shriekingly loud go-at-it last night over a hairbrush. Lucky said Squeaker gave it to her but Squeaker was peeved about something and demanded it back. This is why we have very strict rules about not giving away or borrowing each other's possessions in this house. Also, when someone has something new we must often assume it is stolen.
Sadly, Squeaker allowed things to get to the point of threatening, bullying, wishing Lucky dead and then shouting me down and threatening to call a social worker to get one of them moved. Good luck with that, sweetheart.
She now must go 48 hours without threatening or disrespectful behavior to earn back privileges. Generally it takes about three or four days to get 48 hours straight.
And I have to go buy Lucky a new hairbrush.
Sadly, Squeaker allowed things to get to the point of threatening, bullying, wishing Lucky dead and then shouting me down and threatening to call a social worker to get one of them moved. Good luck with that, sweetheart.
She now must go 48 hours without threatening or disrespectful behavior to earn back privileges. Generally it takes about three or four days to get 48 hours straight.
And I have to go buy Lucky a new hairbrush.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Another Day, Another Door Slam
"The only help I truly need is for mental illness to have a cure." This line swiped from Cindy's blog and ain't it the truth.
Squeaker's over the top, make-no-sense tantrums continued last night. She was reasonably well-behaved while we were out yesterday. She tried for some snide comments a couple times but quickly hushed and put on the innocent face at my "don't even think about it" looks in her direction.
She stomped and stormed a bit in the afternoon, called a few of the kids names. At dinner, she asked if she could get changed for cheer practice. I guess she thought my "NO privileges" restriction might have some weakness she could exploit. Um...Nope. That launched rage number one. I only counted three door slams for that one. She later apologized ever so insincerely.
Kitchen chores set off rage number two. She did part of the chore but when I sent her back to finish, she refused. No problem. Shower and bed then even though it was only 6:30. She refused that too but did go up to her room, shouted insults trailing in her wake.
Ana took Lucky to cheer practice along with The Boss. Squeaker shouted at me again when I told her to get out of Drama Boy's doorway and take a shower. To her snotty reply of "What if I don't?" I answered, "Then you'll stink tomorrow because you need to take it now or not at all."
Later Drama Boy and I were goofing around and teasing in the hallway over DB's funny attempts at making his own costume (hang(er)man). Squeaker kept coming out of her room to say "Mo-THER! You told me to go to bed so why don't you all SHUT IT so I can!" SLAM! Open. SLAM! Wait for it. Open. SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! That same scenario repeated at least three times.
That poor door. It used to be Sparky's room so it has been slammed to the point of cracking.
She hadn't showered or changed for bed. She has gone to bed angry the past two nights and Lucky has had to sleep on the couch for two nights to avoid her malicious spite.
Finally she came downstairs and said in an angry voice "I need meds". Usually she refuses meds when she is in a mood. She was wearing pajama pants but her nice shirt from court that morning. I sent her up to change and she actually came back down to get the meds.
A few more rude comments later, she took herself upstairs again and we didn't see her for the rest of the night. Some days that's the best we can hope for.
Squeaker's over the top, make-no-sense tantrums continued last night. She was reasonably well-behaved while we were out yesterday. She tried for some snide comments a couple times but quickly hushed and put on the innocent face at my "don't even think about it" looks in her direction.
She stomped and stormed a bit in the afternoon, called a few of the kids names. At dinner, she asked if she could get changed for cheer practice. I guess she thought my "NO privileges" restriction might have some weakness she could exploit. Um...Nope. That launched rage number one. I only counted three door slams for that one. She later apologized ever so insincerely.
Kitchen chores set off rage number two. She did part of the chore but when I sent her back to finish, she refused. No problem. Shower and bed then even though it was only 6:30. She refused that too but did go up to her room, shouted insults trailing in her wake.
Ana took Lucky to cheer practice along with The Boss. Squeaker shouted at me again when I told her to get out of Drama Boy's doorway and take a shower. To her snotty reply of "What if I don't?" I answered, "Then you'll stink tomorrow because you need to take it now or not at all."
Later Drama Boy and I were goofing around and teasing in the hallway over DB's funny attempts at making his own costume (hang(er)man). Squeaker kept coming out of her room to say "Mo-THER! You told me to go to bed so why don't you all SHUT IT so I can!" SLAM! Open. SLAM! Wait for it. Open. SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! That same scenario repeated at least three times.
That poor door. It used to be Sparky's room so it has been slammed to the point of cracking.
She hadn't showered or changed for bed. She has gone to bed angry the past two nights and Lucky has had to sleep on the couch for two nights to avoid her malicious spite.
Finally she came downstairs and said in an angry voice "I need meds". Usually she refuses meds when she is in a mood. She was wearing pajama pants but her nice shirt from court that morning. I sent her up to change and she actually came back down to get the meds.
A few more rude comments later, she took herself upstairs again and we didn't see her for the rest of the night. Some days that's the best we can hope for.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
On Birthdays
Our birthday flowers from Friday are all dead so I guess it's official....the party's over and now we're forty.
Birthdays are always kind of sticky events around here. Drama Boy, Sparky, and often Squeaker have a difficult time if anybody gets anything that they do not get. They are of the mind that they are always getting gypped in some way if anybody else gets attention.
On Friday, we got cake and flowers and that was it but if Sparky had been here he still would have been a raging, cursing mess. Non-eventish as this one was we still did not get off scott-free. Drama Boy had a big crying fit when Ana would not drive him to his friend's house nor allow him to walk all the way across town to find him. He spent all afternoon blubbering over the phone book trying to find his friend's listing since he had neglected to ask for his phone number. He did okay at dinner then screamed at Squeaker when she asked him to come downstairs for cake.
We've had crying, screaming meltdowns on every birthday so far this year. This snarkiness is not limited to birthdays. Both the boys were on the receiving end of the "it's not all about you" lecture on Squeaker's adoption day last summer and Squeaker has already demonstrated that she will need it an upcoming adoption day next week. Drama Boy even cries when we take the other kids out to dinner while he is visiting his grandma.
And on the bright side, we were both pleased that no one had a major tantrum and no one called us ugly names which is how we celebrated the past few years. The girls not only wished us happy birthday, they also helped us clean the house before our family came for dinner. Lucky got Ana a card. One of the girls put up some streamers and gave us each a key keepsake on a shoelace (which we wore all day and I plan to wear on birthdays and new year's from now on). I bought a mix and the girls made and decorated a cake. That's more than any of our kids have ever done for us and was entirely sweet of them.
Ahead: The Boss, Lucky, and Drama Boy all have December birthdays. Since DB particularly dislikes the other two we'll be bracing ourselves for plenty of nastiness and bad attitude on their days.
Birthdays are always kind of sticky events around here. Drama Boy, Sparky, and often Squeaker have a difficult time if anybody gets anything that they do not get. They are of the mind that they are always getting gypped in some way if anybody else gets attention.
On Friday, we got cake and flowers and that was it but if Sparky had been here he still would have been a raging, cursing mess. Non-eventish as this one was we still did not get off scott-free. Drama Boy had a big crying fit when Ana would not drive him to his friend's house nor allow him to walk all the way across town to find him. He spent all afternoon blubbering over the phone book trying to find his friend's listing since he had neglected to ask for his phone number. He did okay at dinner then screamed at Squeaker when she asked him to come downstairs for cake.
We've had crying, screaming meltdowns on every birthday so far this year. This snarkiness is not limited to birthdays. Both the boys were on the receiving end of the "it's not all about you" lecture on Squeaker's adoption day last summer and Squeaker has already demonstrated that she will need it an upcoming adoption day next week. Drama Boy even cries when we take the other kids out to dinner while he is visiting his grandma.
And on the bright side, we were both pleased that no one had a major tantrum and no one called us ugly names which is how we celebrated the past few years. The girls not only wished us happy birthday, they also helped us clean the house before our family came for dinner. Lucky got Ana a card. One of the girls put up some streamers and gave us each a key keepsake on a shoelace (which we wore all day and I plan to wear on birthdays and new year's from now on). I bought a mix and the girls made and decorated a cake. That's more than any of our kids have ever done for us and was entirely sweet of them.
Ahead: The Boss, Lucky, and Drama Boy all have December birthdays. Since DB particularly dislikes the other two we'll be bracing ourselves for plenty of nastiness and bad attitude on their days.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Oh. My. Goodness.
When Squeaker was just 11 years old and frequently throwing all of her belongings out the window of her room, throwing rocks at my car, standing on top of the furniture shouting obscenities, running away, threatening to jump off buildings or into traffic, calling me all sorts of nasty names to my face or to my toddler son, and bullying the little kids, I really had to think long and hard before I adopted her about whether or not I would be able to handle her behaviors.
A near move to residential treatment, lots of stalling by social workers and attornies, a great deal of trial and error with meds and treatment teams and she finally stabilized to the point that her social worker, attorney, and I felt it was okay to move ahead. And during that time mostly what I thought to myself (and said to Ana) was, "What if she acts this way or worse when she is a teenager?"
Fast forward two years later, Squeaker's adoption was finalized this summer at the age of 13 1/2. We've had a bumpy road but it has evened out considerably from where we started.
Until the past few weeks. The good news is that so far my car has been safe and she hasn't trashed the house or her room. She has said she doesn't want to be here but has not run away. She hasn't threatened herself. So that is a great deal of progress that we've been able to hold onto.
But she has yelled at me every day this week, actually almost any time we've had a conversation. Several days she has violently screamed at me and at Ana. Although she is often sweet with the little boys, their interaction must be supervised because her mood changes so abruptly and she can take a mean turn at the slightest offense.
I have talked to her psychiatrist about the recent increase in reactivity and irritability but the doctor thinks her meds are fine for now. Living with so much unpredictability is difficult and sometimes the other kids have a hard time being friendly back when she is suddenly in a more social mood. It's hard for me and Ana too but we can do it more easily knowing some of the reason behind her erratic emotions.
Our program social worker once told us that we are able to see and appreciate the kid behind the behavior in a way that some people can't. It was a nice complement. We do love and see value in kids despite their behaviors but even more than that we can see the potential in them that is so trapped by the fear, hurt, and anger because of what has been done to them. I only hope we are as good at helping them break through all that so they can become whole and free and healthy the way they should have always been allowed to be.
A near move to residential treatment, lots of stalling by social workers and attornies, a great deal of trial and error with meds and treatment teams and she finally stabilized to the point that her social worker, attorney, and I felt it was okay to move ahead. And during that time mostly what I thought to myself (and said to Ana) was, "What if she acts this way or worse when she is a teenager?"
Fast forward two years later, Squeaker's adoption was finalized this summer at the age of 13 1/2. We've had a bumpy road but it has evened out considerably from where we started.
Until the past few weeks. The good news is that so far my car has been safe and she hasn't trashed the house or her room. She has said she doesn't want to be here but has not run away. She hasn't threatened herself. So that is a great deal of progress that we've been able to hold onto.
But she has yelled at me every day this week, actually almost any time we've had a conversation. Several days she has violently screamed at me and at Ana. Although she is often sweet with the little boys, their interaction must be supervised because her mood changes so abruptly and she can take a mean turn at the slightest offense.
I have talked to her psychiatrist about the recent increase in reactivity and irritability but the doctor thinks her meds are fine for now. Living with so much unpredictability is difficult and sometimes the other kids have a hard time being friendly back when she is suddenly in a more social mood. It's hard for me and Ana too but we can do it more easily knowing some of the reason behind her erratic emotions.
Our program social worker once told us that we are able to see and appreciate the kid behind the behavior in a way that some people can't. It was a nice complement. We do love and see value in kids despite their behaviors but even more than that we can see the potential in them that is so trapped by the fear, hurt, and anger because of what has been done to them. I only hope we are as good at helping them break through all that so they can become whole and free and healthy the way they should have always been allowed to be.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Me, Me, Me. Mine, Mine, Mine.
Proving that the Toddler Rules aren't just for toddlers anymore...
Sparky and Drama Boy came home from two days at their friends house where they had gone to the drive-in and had all kinds of fun. But THEN they saw the shopping bags and so, of course, they looked inside and when they saw that it was things for the girls they both had the toddler-of-all-tantrums. Drama Boy cried and Sparky scowled and threw hampers around after stomping up the stairs(who thought putting the washer and dryer in the upstairs hall was a good thing?). They were both rude to Lucky and DB whined and cried all the way upstairs "I can't believe we've had to live here soooooo long." Again, displacing reality in which kids should grow up in one place their whole childhood with their own version of "if we don't get what we want then we get to move".
It spoiled the drama a little bit that Ana had gone shopping for them too. But not before they whined that Lucky had gotten stuff too and complained that Squeaker got shirts with designs and theirs were too plain. They get mad every time someone else gets something (no exaggeration) even if they do too, because somehow, someway they always feel gypped.
Is it any wonder that we don't actually take them with us when we go shopping? Wait until they find out that the girls got new shoes before they did (even though they will, of course, get new shoes too). Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeez, guys!
Sparky and Drama Boy came home from two days at their friends house where they had gone to the drive-in and had all kinds of fun. But THEN they saw the shopping bags and so, of course, they looked inside and when they saw that it was things for the girls they both had the toddler-of-all-tantrums. Drama Boy cried and Sparky scowled and threw hampers around after stomping up the stairs(who thought putting the washer and dryer in the upstairs hall was a good thing?). They were both rude to Lucky and DB whined and cried all the way upstairs "I can't believe we've had to live here soooooo long." Again, displacing reality in which kids should grow up in one place their whole childhood with their own version of "if we don't get what we want then we get to move".
It spoiled the drama a little bit that Ana had gone shopping for them too. But not before they whined that Lucky had gotten stuff too and complained that Squeaker got shirts with designs and theirs were too plain. They get mad every time someone else gets something (no exaggeration) even if they do too, because somehow, someway they always feel gypped.
Is it any wonder that we don't actually take them with us when we go shopping? Wait until they find out that the girls got new shoes before they did (even though they will, of course, get new shoes too). Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeez, guys!
Monday, June 9, 2008
Countdown
One week left of school. I hope it drags by. Squeaker is taking summer school classes so at least that will allow them to get out of the house some. She is in special ed and they offer summer school whether it's needed or not so I always sign her up.
As if to give us a taste of things to come, Sparky and Squeaker had meltdowns on Friday earning room time that afternoon. Given the chance to calm down and start over the next day, both decided to keep going losing their Saturday privileges as well. Squeaker and Drama Boy have also been sniping at each other.
My goal this summer is to impose a consequence when needed and then walk away and let Squeaker rage it out, sort it out, and get some control before I talk to her again. I have a hard time letting rudeness, hatefulness, and disrespect go for the moment to be addressed later. The result is that she continues to escalate, slamming doors and screaming nasty names at me. If I can control the urge to come back at her right then, she is usually able to calm down, apologize, and accept consequences later.
A therapist once told us "When you take kids for short term you work on the kids but when you do long term care you have to work on yourself". I found it to be pretty annoying and patronizing coming from someone who does not have to live with raging children day in and day out...even if there is a lot of truth to it.
As if to give us a taste of things to come, Sparky and Squeaker had meltdowns on Friday earning room time that afternoon. Given the chance to calm down and start over the next day, both decided to keep going losing their Saturday privileges as well. Squeaker and Drama Boy have also been sniping at each other.
My goal this summer is to impose a consequence when needed and then walk away and let Squeaker rage it out, sort it out, and get some control before I talk to her again. I have a hard time letting rudeness, hatefulness, and disrespect go for the moment to be addressed later. The result is that she continues to escalate, slamming doors and screaming nasty names at me. If I can control the urge to come back at her right then, she is usually able to calm down, apologize, and accept consequences later.
A therapist once told us "When you take kids for short term you work on the kids but when you do long term care you have to work on yourself". I found it to be pretty annoying and patronizing coming from someone who does not have to live with raging children day in and day out...even if there is a lot of truth to it.
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