When Love Takes You In

Just because I love Steven Curtis Chapman and I haven't posted this yet....and because I get to go sign adoption papers for Squeaker next week:

Many Moves

Today we rearranged rooms yet again in hopes of finding a solution that will work and minimize conflict. We had to move Drama Boy out of the shared room to keep him and his stuff safe from Sparky who has been tackling him, stealing and hiding his stuff, and trashing the room. He moved into the Boss' room. But then we had to move the Boss into my room to keep him safe from Drama Boy who has been blocking his path, hitting him, and telling him he hates him. Real nice, guys.

We also have to spend a lot of time keeping the dog safe from being pestered to death by all three of them (well, four counting Seamonkey).

I hear that most people don't have to live this way. Hard to imagine any more. Except for our first year fostering when we had only one six-year-old, we have spent the years that we have had foster kids in a state of constant hyper-vigilance and crisis management in an effort to keep everyone safe from one another and themselves.

I feel like Frodo at the foot of Mount Doom. I can't remember the Shire or the taste of strawberries...or what it was like to live in a peaceful house without locks on doors and cabinets or mixed up little people stealing, raging, and trying to beat the crap out of each other.

Happy Birthday, Teenager

Yesterday was Squeaker's 13th Birthday. I won't even get into how weird it feels to be the mom of two teenage girls (not to mention a grandma) even though I have only been parenting for 6 1/2 years.

Squeaker received earrings and make-up and permission to wear both. After dropping the middle boys off with their grandma, the rest of us went to the mall so she could get her ears pierced. We had gigantic hamburgers and chocolate shakes for lunch then spent the rest of the afternoon at home snuggled under blankets watching videos. On Friday she will have a sleepover with her friends which will be her first one ever.

I am very near to finalizing Squeaker's adoption and we are very excited. I go to sign her adoption papers early next month. Her social worker has already emailed me a copy of the "telling" (a report on what is known about the family history and the CPS case). In spite of her challenging behavior, it is amazing to me that she is doing as well as she is given the long years of emotional and physical abuse she endured. There's still a lot to be done working through all that pain and the loss of her first family but she has made some tremendous progress in the last three years. I am very proud of her and privileged to be her mom.

You Win Some, You Lose Some

Despite the positive outcome of our blow-out over the weekend, things have not been going smoothly around here. Sparky's behavior continues to escalate and every time we hope there is a line he won't cross he notches it up again.

His rages are destructive and increasingly dangerous. He has caused a lot of damage and becomes infuriated when we bring it to his attention insisting that the damage was already there. It's maddening and saddening because we want to provide a pleasant, peaceful home for these kids who have never had one and he makes it impossible to do either.

After devoting a good bit of time to slamming and kicking doors for the past two days he has also started in again throwing things around the house and now at people. He has attacked his brother, threw a toy at me which hit me in the eye, and kicked Ana in the shins when she got the dog from him telling him he could not have pet priviliges when he is raging. He slammed his scooter into my car and tried to rip off the new locks I had to install on the laundry doors. At first he was careful not to cause damage but since he has crossed that line the destructiveness is increasing. Now that he has progressed to causing injury we are concerned about where that will lead.

Fortunately, the boys are spending the next four days with their grandma which will allow us a few days to recover, regroup, lock up anything which might end up becoming a weapon, and try to work with reluctant out-of-county social workers to find him the help he clearly needs.

A Win for the Home Team

On Sunday a couple of the kids had an altercation that quickly blew up to unreasonable and out-of-control proportions. An element of danger was added since the incident was in the car on the freeway. Ana was alone with all the kids driving while trying to keep the raging one from beating the sticks out of the other. She had to pull over and it took a considerable amount of time before the combatant returned to car (very unwillingly) and the journey could continue.

It was a pretty one-sided attack and obviously something else is going on which I haven't been able to figure out yet. It was bad enough though with one of the kids wanting to leave again, threatening to go AWOL. I was filled with dread, not looking forward to a week filled with phone calls from panicked social workers.

After some cool-down time both of these kids, unprompted, apologized to one another and everyone had a pleasant evening.

Wait...let me say that again: both of these kids apologized to one another.

That is huge. Momentous. Stunning. Rare.

I could weep with pride.

Perspective

We dug into the dvd archive and pulled out the first couple seasons of 7th Heaven for our evening tv viewing.

The kids have enjoyed it and we like the values represented and the positive portrayal of family. It has sparked some interesting conversation and some topics, like dealing with a family member's alcoholism, have brought up a lot of emotions in the kids as they talk about their own families' problems. They also laugh at how gigantic the cell phones were back in 1996.

Another thing that Ana and I have found humorous is that our kids are grossed out whenever the parents on the show kiss. On the other hand, Ana and I think it's pretty yucky when the teenagers on the show are kissing.

Ah, the generation gap!

Too Sad to Say "I Told You So"

Today one of Ana's former foster daughters came for a weekend respite stay. She will 15 years old next week.

Her foster sister is the 13 year old who lived with us until recently. Because of the detrimental effect that her defiance and disrespect was having on the younger kids and the fact that she threatened to make false allegations against us, we reluctantly asked that she be removed from our home. We are licensed with a private foster family agency. Because they have few homes in our county they are not always able to make a good match between the child and the home that they are placed in. All the children placed are higher level of care and are mostly teens. Despite the lack of options the agency is hestitant to release kids from the program and mismatches are made for many reasons that I won't mention (but some of them look something like this: $$$$$$$).

Unfortunately, they went ahead and placed this 13-year-old young lady with a family with less then 8 months fostering experiencing who already foster a teenage girl and a special needs 5-year-old. We brought it up several times that this match would be turbulent and could burn out the new foster parents and destabilize the placement of the other girl. But apparently the "professionals know best" and our warnings went unheeded. We are in fact treated as somewhat troublesome to work with.

Well......exactly what we said could happen did happen. They ran away several times and the 13-year-old has been removed and the other girl now badly wants to move. These are girls who have been in the system a long time and have experienced many, many moves.

I have to scream here for a minute. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

While we know a great many wonderful people who are social workers, the system itself is so aggravating. So many decisions are made for monetary reasons by people with too little time and information. Having an empty bed does not make for a good placement match and new foster parents are too often asked to take kids with problems that are not fully disclosed without the training or experience to deal with it.

We are very worried about the outcome for the 15-year-old who is spending the weekend with us.

I could rant for days on end about this topic it is that frustrating to me.

Who's My Dad?

That's a question I expected from the Boss several years from now, not last Saturday having lunch on the breezy patio of a taco shop.

Working out the complexities of even a "regular" family can be confusing with a preschooler. He knows he has "big" cousins that he sees on Friday Pizza Nights and "little" cousins on the East Coast. He knows he has, in addition to "Auntie", Aunts and Uncles who don't live with us. He talks about "my Grandma who goes on the airplane" and Grandpa. He's figuring out that Peaches and Squeaker are his sisters but has no idea that that makes Seamonkey his nephew.

We also talk about adoption and he will always know his adoption story and the few details we have about his original family as he is old enough to understand it.

Last Saturday I was trying to explain to him that my Grandma was my dad's mom when he sprang the question. He was aware enough to ask it two different ways. First, "Do I have a dad?", then "Who is my dad?"

I think about these issues a lot and did so even before I adopted as a single mom. I debated whether it was right, knowing that kids should have and do best with both a mom and a dad. The conclusion that I have come to is that, while possibly not the ideal choice, having one loving parent who will raise them for Jesus is far better than having no parents at all (the great state of California is not much of a parent for the thousands of foster kids it claims as dependents). And the sad truth is that if any of our kids had stayed with their birth families not one of them would have been raised in an intact two-parent home.

I understand the enormity and great responsibility of what I have done in choosing to be a single parent to kids who already have a lot of baggage from their first families. I know that we will be dealing with the abandonment issues and the dad issues for years to come.

For now, the simple answer for the Boss was: "You don't have a dad but God said he would be a dad to those who don't have one. Is that okay?"

His reply, "Yep!" He knows he's loved by his family and by God and that's enough for him for today. We'll handle tomorrow when it comes.

Rainbow Day

It has been stormy here and this huge rainbow could be seen from our backyard. In this shot it's partially hidden by the house behind but it went from hill to hill across our whole valley. Behind those clouds are snowy mountains. Now that the weather has cleared some we've been enjoying the view of the snow-capped mountains against clear-blue sky.
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We had an IEP meeting for Squeaker today. She will be starting a main-stream English class after her vacation next week. Hopefully if all goes well she will start a regular math class in the fall. Apparently, testing shows math as her best subject which is great because it is the thing she says she has the hardest time with (and definitely the most attitude about). She is very bright and all of her school problems are behavioral rather than academic but she is showing improvement in all areas. The good news for the day.

Something Missing?

We've been serving mostly meatless dinners for the past few weeks. This is both for health and financial reasons; part of our effort to live more simply and frugally. We do make an effort to prepare meals that the kids will enjoy and have dessert most nights. So far they haven't even noticed or at least haven't commented on the absence of meat.

I wish they wouldn't notice that we don't have cable tv. The boys comment on that almost daily.

What the Heck Just Happened?

We had a pretty good week around here. Some snarky comments throughout the week but for the most part cooperative and friendly behavior.

And then came Saturday...the middlers spent the morning at the Boys and Girls Club, Peaches and Seamonkey visited a friend in the hospital who just had a baby, and Ana, the Boss and I ran some errands.

The boys were squirrely in the back seat on the trip home but by the time we got here all three of the middles lost it: talking back, slamming doors, stomping, cursing, refusing to comply. Apparently, it IS too much to ask that chores be done before everyone takes off outside (in case you wanted to know). Sparky and Squeaker both called us names embellished with an F-word adjective. Drama Boy said to both Ana and me "Why do you have to be so mean?"

Here's the kicker....these kids have no idea that the way they behave is extreme and that most kids don't react in this abusive and destructive way when they don't get their way. They justify it constantly saying they were "bored", "just playing around", or they tell us "stop making me mad then". For them it is the logical reaction to their frustration and anger. They enjoy the chaos and drama that it creates. It's what they are used to from their chaotic pasts, sort of a disfunctional comfort zone. And somehow, they continue to think that we will be bullied into giving them whatever they want.

SO not happening, guys.

Dedicated to Foster and Adoptive Parents "In The Arena"

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."

Theodore Roosevelt

"The Man In The Arena"

Excerpt from the Speech at the Sorbonne

Paris, France

April 23, 1910

As our mom once told us, "You might think you aren't doing it perfectly, but at least you are doing something. That's more than most people."

This Does Not Set A Precedent!

Well, I'm smacking myself in the head again for thinking I could treat my kids like typical 9 and 11 year olds.

We took the kids to a fast-food restaurant for an ice cream cone after dinner on Monday so they could expend some energy on the playground. Instead of being grateful for an unexpected treat, they now expect it to be a regular weeknight occurance. I actually had to redirect some angry behavior that was heading toward a tantrum. How dare I deny him his right to go out for ice cream every night? That's not fair!

This happens nearly every time we deviate from an established routine. I tried once to explain to Sparky that just because he was granted permission to do something one time, did not mean he had permission to do it whenever he wanted. He just kept saying, "But you let me do it last week!" Finally, exasperated, I told him, "Well, that was a mistake." He answered, "Then don't make mistakes!"

I'll remember that the next time I feel like being generous and spontaneous with my kids.

All "Funned" Out

Since Sparky's refusal to get on the bus for the after school program, I received a call from the director who wanted to know my decision regarding his attendance. She told me that "they really don't want to dismiss him" but that they could not deal with his behavior towards the bus driver and stated that "he just doesn't want to be here." Doesn't want to be there? So what? Life with an oppositional child means that he gets sullen, angry, defiant and abusive when asked to do almost anything...including activities that he begged to do in the first place.

Despite my reluctance to give in to this kind of manipulation, I don't want to make it the problem of the "Fun" program so I'm withdrawing him and converting our membership to drop-in only. The program director's relief when I informed her of this was almost comical.

You're Where I Belong

My girls' adoptions have been a long time coming but should take place within months. My son was adopted in 2006. This is "our" song taken from the Stuart Little soundtrack.

Decidedly UnFun

Well, the "Fun" after-school program for Sparky lasted all of three weeks and a few days. He refused to get on the bus yesterday so Ana has paused that activity until she can reevaluate and decide what to do. Of course, the problem with him being home is he acts like a total pooter refusing to do what he's asked, taking off whenever the urge strikes, and beating up Drama Boy. He also became angry for not "getting anything" for not having tantrums for a while and so felt justified in having a rage the other night. Little extortionist.

No Dishes were Broken

Squeaker just finished up a week of doing my kitchen chore of setting the table, washing dishes, and wiping counters. She had to do this in addition to her own chore of sweeping. The extra chore was a consequence for being disrespectful and rude in church last week including calling me a not-so-nice name that starts with a B during worship. Not cool.

I've been having her stay in the main service instead of going to the junior high class on Sunday mornings. Some weeks she is okay and some she is difficult but it's an important skill to learn and I think she is capable of handling it. But sometimes when she has an angry, reactionary response she has a hard time reeling things back.

She had to "make amends" for her behavior by doing some of my chores. This actually meant more work for me as it takes up more of my time to check chores and have the redone correctly then to just do it myself. I also had some concerns as to how many dishes we would lose if she was angry about the extra chore but mostly she did it with a pretty good attitude. Hopefully there was some lesson learned. On Wednesday night we had particularly goopy dishes and she was hitting herself in the head saying "Why did I act that way at church?" Good question. She often immediately regrets her actions but has little ability to control impulses evidenced by the fact that she mouthed off on Thursday and got two extra days of dishes.

Out of the three middlers she actually shows the most remorse after an outburst. Of course, her impulsive actions are often compounded by a mood disorder and past trauma so sometimes it takes a while to get to the point of repentance and trying again to do right. And sometimes just when I think we've made progress we seem to go back to square one. But at least there is some acknowledgement that the behavior was not okay.

The middle boys on the other hand are unable to make a connection right now between their behavior and consequences. This often means that imposing a consequence lets loose a whole new bout of raging. So far we have no answers as to how to deal with it but we keep at it hoping that eventually something will click for these very angry guys.

Onward and upward.