Rant Ahead

Foster daughter is overmedicated in my opinion. She has been taking medication for ADHD since she was five years old. Her case has gotten passed around from doctor to doctor as she has moved around to different foster homes, back to mom, family members and back to foster care.

Has anyone really taken the time to evaluate the need for this medication? Mom insisted on the medication when fd was a little girl and "bouncing off the walls, talking non-stop". Could it be that mom didn't have the patience for her exuberant daughter because she was dealing with her own issues of addiction and homelessness?

About 18 months ago (after a disrupted guardianship and another move), fd was having sleep issues so the doctor prescribed more medication. Then she started having hallucinations and hearing voices which the doctor determined was a side-effect of the ADHD medication. So the nighttime medication was changed to an anti-psychotic drug used to treat bipolar disorder in adults.

Neither of these drugs are covered by her insurance so "prior authorization" is required periodically from the doctor. The pharmacy is rude and unhelpful and there is always a lapse in medication because neither the pharmacy nor the insurance company care if someone misses medication. And, by the way, you can't just buy a few day's worth of pills while you are waiting for the authorization. And you can't determine ahead of time when the new authorization will be needed. And even if you could, you could not get the pharmacy to submit the request early so you could get it back in time.

This makes the social workers very unhappy since it means more paperwork for them what with having to file an incident report for all the missed medication. This means more lectures for us on the importance of making sure that medication is dispensed according to the doctor's instructions.

What is really amazing is that all of these headaches are because of ADHD medication that only stays in fd's system for 4 hours. Not enough to last through the whole school day, let alone through homework, chores and bedtime routine.

Is this really necessary?

Phantom Pain

I dreamed last night that my grand-nephew was sleeping in my arms.

Oh, how I miss that.

The Middle

As The Boss squeezed between me and Ana on the couch I told him to please be still if he was going to sit in the middle.

He replied in hushed tones, "Okay....but, mom, that's a bad word!"

Me: "What? What is?"

Him: Whispering, "Middle."

Me: "Why do you say that?"

Him: Still whispering but with a goofy I'm-about-to-be-naughty grin, "You know because of...." he said, pointing to his middle finger.

Oh my gosh. He's such a hoot.

Downsizing

It definitely felt like we were in an alternate reality today when we walked into Killer Pizza From Mars and ordered only one "Family Meal" and nobody had to share. For the past five years we have had to order 3 of the four-person meals and even then sometimes we had to split salads and buy extra drinks.

Yesterday we took the kids to the movies and could still afford to buy some popcorn. The last time we went to the movies, we took up an entire row.

Four years ago we drove both an SUV and an eight-passenger van and every seat was filled. Today we can fit all the kids in a sedan and the SUV has an empty row.

Every person in our house finally has their own bedroom. We actually have enough room for everyone to sit together on our only couch but we can barely reach each other when we join hands around our large dinner table. Our 3000 square foot house seems absurdly huge now (to us anyway...we still have 3x as many people living here as the previous owners!).

We have so much more space--and time--now. This is the longest we've ever gone without filling that space up again.

Secrets

Why is my girl so compelled to withhold the truth even when it seems completely obvious and not even all that bad? I usually have figured out what is really going on way before she lies to my face. Asking only confirms because she is such a bad liar. I'm pretty good at reading signs (and My Sp*ace...it is public, after all, not a diary) and I don't usually get taken by surprise. But what's with all the secrecy about every little thing? Maybe it's a control thing or something. Maybe she thinks I'll disapprove or ask questions or try to give advice or in some way actually try to be a part of her life. Who knows? I do know that all of her relationships and activities outside of this house are what she considers her "real" life and she shrouds it all in secrecy and doesn't let any of us in.

Headcounts No Longer Needed

Quiet days here with so few kids in the house. Sorta-adult daughter is often gone so it's just the middle girls and The Boss hanging around most the time, although Lucky is gone to her mom's almost every weekend. Seems weird to be planning the holidays knowing only two kids will be at home. But on the up side, we are nearly done with Christmas shopping with a lot less strain on the budget than we normally experience.

Squeaker hasn't had a major blow-up for several weeks which is great. Most of the eye-rolls and snorting I'll just chalk up to "normal" fourteen-year-old girl attitude. Still some big concerns with both girls over their dishonesty combined with extremely poor judgement. Lots of supervision is required at all times which they appreciate less and less as they get older. Lucky will be thirteen next month and Squeaker fifeern in February. Still, they cannot stay home alone even for a few minutes, cannot be dropped off anywhere, and absolutely under no circumstances can they ever be left alone with the Boss even if we are in the next room. This makes it a bit challenging for us to make an escape for a kidless evening. It is fairly easy to find a babysitter for a kindergartener but much less so for middle and high schoolers especially with all the extra cautions and caveats. (except when oldest niece is available for teen-watching....she's the bomb!)

We're looking forward to lots of free and low cost holiday activities in our small town. Such a kick to find so much to do since we are pretty content with simplicity and low tech entertainment.

A Slap in the Face*book

I got "unfriended" on FB by my own kid. Kind of amusing.

If I didn't buy groceries, make food, give rides, provide a bed and a roof, pay for hot water, electricity, heat and A/C, I'm sure I wouldn't be on the radar at all.

Do I Look Stupid to You?

I surely must to the kids. They lie or at least omit the truth and really, truly think that I don't know it. It's so weird, I don't even get it. Maybe I'm just too sequestered in my own crazy little foster care world and I'm somewhat jaded and cranky by this time, but I find it unbelievably annoying. It's almost like part of a shared culture that they bring with them.

I really do think the most irritating thing about it is that they think that I'm dumb enough to believe them. Yes, I do make it about me far more than I should.

Pete and Repeat

Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete jumped out. Who was left? Repeat. Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete jumped out. Who was left? Repeat. Pete and Repeat were in a boat...

Why don't I just make a recording of myself saying the same things over and over? For the sake of those with brain disorders living under our roof, our days are very structured, reeking of routine and tediously boring repetition. So how come no one can remember to even brush their teeth without being told?

Sheesh.

Missing

Stuff goes missing around here all the time. All kinds of stuff. Cheap stuff, expensive stuff, food stuff. The most recent missing items are a necklace, eyeliner, and some money.

The funny thing is that the adamant deniers are, of course, the ones who get busted (or blamed) for stealing all the time. They steal from each other and also very willingly throw each other under the bus when something comes up missing.

Lucky has been accusing Squeaker of stealing a necklace for weeks. Why she feels the need to keep confronting her about it with no evidence knowing that Squeaker can be meaner than a rattlesnake on a griddle is completely beyond me.

Lately, circumstantial evidence pointed to Squeaker as the snitcher of some money from someone's purse. She cries and denies but her history does not help her. She says, "But it's just that---HISTORY!" to which I can only answer that it is by no means ancient history; it is all too recent.

Last night, Squeaker stood in Lucky's doorway and loudly accused her (how else to tattle?) of taking her eyeliner. When I asked Lucky about it after sending Squeaker away she said, "She always accuses me of taking her stuff." Yes, just the same way you always accuse her of taking your stuff. Nice relationship.

When I followed up with Squeaker I told her that she had no evidence that Lucky took it just like it cannot be proven that she took the money. That's the end of it. Don't bring it up again.

Sometimes we recover stuff, sometimes we don't. And that's how it goes around here. If you want to keep it you better hide it, lock it up, or don't bother bringing it into the house at all.

Party Like the Angels

The Boss and Lucky have been attending AWANA Club at the church where their favorite VBS of the summer was held.

Lucky basically uses it as a time to chase her friends around the parking lot but it has been a cool experience for The Boss as he is very goal driven and loves cranking through the book to win badges and awards. Pretty darn cute. He is in the "Sparks" group and has thus far memorized John 3:16, 1 John 4:14, Psalm 147:5, 1 Corinthians 15:3, and 1 Corinthians 15:4.

I'm amazed at his ability to memorize a verse each week along with the concepts that go along with it, at least on a kindergartener's level (i.e. sin is the bad things we say, do, and think; perish means to be separated from God forever, etc.) He is at this very moment hounding me to iron-on the new hang glider badge he earned last week onto his vest for tonight.

Best of all, he has been given more advanced language to talk about the things of God and I had the happy privilege of praying with him a few weeks ago as he trusted Jesus as his Savior.

Party on all of Heaven!

Thanks for the Heads Up

It's weird to find out MAJOR news about one of your kids from their status on My Space. I'm not really supposed to know it but I do tend to use whatever little ways I can to keep informed although I know my place is only on the fringe of a secret life.

When I actually am allowed to be let in on the secret directly, I'll bet you ten bucks it'll be delivered in a text message.

Where Am I? Oh, Here I Am...**

It's semi-official with some precincts still pending...we have had one of the wackiest summers on record and that's saying something for us. The wackiness promises to continue for some time. We'll cope and adjust as always, of course, but who knew situations and people would go so crazily askew from what they were just six short months ago? Naturally, we're catching the blame.

I think our blogging hiatus is over as there is so much going on it's hard not to spill it out somewhere. This blog is public again so feel free to refer former readers back if they would be interested.

We've been taking advantage of all the free activities a small town has to offer: harvest kick-off, community theatre, free museum days, vacation bible school, movies and activities at various churches around town. Yesterday we went to the annual open house at our main fire station. The Boss sprayed a firehose, we got grit in our eyes and snowcone when the Mercy Air helicopter took off and we watched hunky firefighters crunch open a car. Everywhere you go in a smallish town you bump into people you know and yesterday was no exception, as the open house was kind of the "thing to do" for the day.

Afterwards we attended a free piano concert at the library next door and then walked around downtown until we found a new mexican restaurant to try. With only Lucky, Squeaker, and the Boss around most of the time now, our outings have been mostly pleasant. Squeaker always has some drama or attitude to take care of but for the most part it's all good. Ana even took us out to her driving route to work so we could catch some air over the huge rollercoaster dip in the road out beyond the dairy farms. No kidding, like fifteen dairies on her way to work. We count green tractors and sing the "Big Green Tractor" song. Rural hicks all the way by now.

Many more updates from the summer but I'll spread them out so you can catch up a bit at a time if you so desire. Meantime, your continued prayers are much appreciated for the older crew of teens as many life choices face them which, unfortunately, they often seem ill-equipped to make.

**Peter Lorre in "Arsenic and Old Lace", 1944.

One Year Anniversary

One year ago today was Squeaker's adoption day. Since she is well-known as the "human calendar" able to count fowards and backwards and sideways from any date which is important to her, she has been anticipating the day since July 3, 2008.

We went to Sonic for ice cream, just me and her which made her endlessly happy as she always wants to do things with just the two of us. The Sonicteers forgot to put the ice cream in the drink I ordered which was a bit disappointing and when I tried to reorder the right thing, they never came back with it. Oh well, it was Squeaker's day and she was happy.

She went to a pool party at the youth leader's house and made some new friends in the high school group. This is a big step for her since usually I am cautious about allowing her to go to events because she tends to be a bit over the top behavior-wise.

Afterwards she was hyped and happy but later snottily unpleasant about chores. I just kept adding them on until she was able to do them with a less grumpy demeanor. It didn't take too long so altogether a pretty good day for her.

Gratitude

We've been mulling over the topic of gratitude lately. We've seen the lack of it a great deal over the years in caring for foster children both from birth parents and older kids and teens. That's okay, we can deal with that. We're not in it for the thanks or gratitude (or the "money"....just for record).

What is bewildering, however, is not the lack of it from time to time but the total opposite of it. When you have given of yourself and made sacrifices for the benefit of someone else and yet despite all that you have given the receiver/taker turns things around and not only blames you for their problems but piles on accusation of harm, well, it's a bit of a shock every time.

Recently we read an interesting book by Robert Emmons entitled Thanks! How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier which nailed this phenomenon exactly.

From his book, "Ingratitude is not the same as forgetfulness, or what I am calling "nongratitude". The main difference between the latter two is that in cases of nongratitude, the person fails to do something---fails to respond to a gift with an appropriate feeling and display of thankfulness. Nongratitude is essentially forgetfulness.**Whereas nongratitude is an omission, an absence, a type of forgetting, ingratitude is the presence of something negative. It is a form of punishment. When a person is ungrateful, they respond with hostility, resentment, or in some other way choose to willfully disparage the gift and the giver.**Failing to acknowledge gratitude is not morally equivalent to responding to another's benevolence with hostility and resentment."

Emmons describes gratitude in two parts, "First, gratitude is the acknowledgement of goodness in one's life." and "Second, gratitude is recognizing that the source(s) of this goodness lie at least partially outside of self."

Why are some kids grateful and some kids hostile? I'm sure there are a multitude of reasons and each of our kids, obviously, has come from a difficult past. It's hard for many of them to move on from what they lost in order to be grateful for all they have been given. Some will not acknowledge the help they have received preferring others to think they have done it all "on my own."

We have definitely found that those who are grateful are much more able to accept their situation, move on, forgive, and take responsibility for their own problems. They are more likely to give back, contribute, and show affection. One cannot demand gratitude from a child/teen and it seems self-serving to do so but the fact is that those who are able to count their blessings more than their resentments are likely to be far happier and more successful in relationships and life.

Some Day When The Kids are Grown and Gone...

...we'll get to finish our own sentences.

Disappointment

Squeaker was supposed to be picked up today by her younger birth sister and sister's dad to drive down the coast and go to the beach like they "used to do when they all lived together."

She ran half of the way home from summer school so she would be ready when they arrived at 2:30pm. He always runs a late so I didn't worry about it when he was not here by 3pm even though Squeaker was opening the front door repeatedly so she wouldn't miss them.

By 3:48pm I went out to check on the status of things and Squeaker was a squashy, weeping mess. I told her to go ahead and give him a call to find out what was up. When she got off the phone she said tearfully, "They're not coming." Sister's dad has some physical ailments and is often in pain, as he was today so he couldn't make the long drive.

I feel bad for the guy....but for goodness sake's, fella! You couldn't pick up the phone and let her know you weren't coming before she spent an hour and half with her eyeball glued to the peephole waiting for you? This is his second no-show for a visit. It makes my blood boil that he would be so inconsistent and inconsiderate to my poor kid who has had rejection and disappointment enough.

I reminded Squeaker about our previous talks about not putting too many expectations on her birth family. I could only let her know as matter-of-factly as possible that I knew she was disappointed and I was sorry that the outing was called off, knowing that if I gave it too much attention she would blow it up into a huge drama bringing up every hurt ever done to her.

Still, I'd like to smack that guy upside the head.

Father's Day

Father's Day can be a difficult day for our kids...another painful reminder of what they missed out on, what should have been.

We took our bunch to church this morning and, as the pastor started his message entitled "God is Our Father", I glanced down the row. Not one of the six kids at church with us has grown up with their father. Most of the children we have cared for through the years have not had fathers.

Lucky cried through most of the church service and out into the parking lot. There's not much I can do for her except hold her and tell her I know how hard it is for her. I tell her that God is her Father and He will never abandon her. For some pain, there is no earthly comfort. Her wounds are deep and her feelings of rejection and abandonment define how she sees herself and how she views the world.

Recently, she participated in an author's fair at school. Her story was about a princess (whose name is a shortened version of her own name) and a guy (whose name is the same as her "crush" at school) at a ball. The first part of the story was a blatant rip-off of Cinderella and Snow White but the ending was original:

"Then something happened to her after that night. She appeared in a garden near the castle. She tried but she could not go back to the castle because her evil dad would not let her in. He was saying, "You are not my daughter. You are a fake." So she went back to (the guy). She asked if she could live with him and he said, "Yes." (The guy) and (the princess) lived happily ever after."

Daughters need their dads or they may end up like this princess, running to another man to provide what they are desperately needing. I can't change the beginning of Lucky's life. Her father abandoned her. That is part of her story. But the ending can be rewritten because God has promised to be a Father to the fatherless. He will not sit on His throne and turn her away. Instead, when she turns to Him, He will be filled with compassion and, like the father of the prodigal son, will run to her, throw His arms around her and kiss her.

And they will live happily ever after.

Our Little World

Squeaker had a rough start to the weekend on Friday night. Lucky had a little end of the year party with a few friends then we took the middles and The Boss to get a pizza to take to the park. Squeaker got into a minor spat with The Boss and then would not let it go, back-talking and noncompliant all evening and into Saturday morning. I took her for a walk on Saturday to talk about how she is choosing to heap consequences upon herself by letting small incidents turn into full-blown temper tantrums. She is in the third week of minimal privileges which started out by her being annoyed that I called her in to do chores and ended with name-calling, door slamming, destruction of property, and violent throwing of heavy objects. The walk and talk seemed to help with conduct and demeanor improving for the rest of the day.

Her stepdad and birth sister stopped by in the afternoon and I allowed her to be outside and play for a while. Her sister will come back today to go to church with us and spend the day. She and her dad are moving out of state in the beginning of July so I expect high emotions when we say our good-byes tonight.

The bigger kids have been making themselves scarce and hardly talking to us when they are here so it's been a relatively quiet weekend apart from The Boss lamenting that he has nobody to play with any more.

What's On Your Mind?

I'm "on" Faceb**k but I rarely check in. The main reason is that reconnecting with old friends and family and reading updates makes me realize that I don't lead a very "normal" life. Sometimes I feel quite envious. Also, I don't get the whole Twitt&r thing. The minutiae of my life doesn't even interest me all that much. I can't imagine why anybody else would read it.

Of course, this blog was created primarily as a survival tool, aptly named since it's here that we unload the stress of the daily snarks of life with older kids who come with loads of "history". Often, negative? Well, yes because this is where we dump the negativity around us with some snark of our own which we attempt to withhold from the actual real life encounter.

For example: Squeaker talked back tonight in a totally rude, disrespectful tone. I told her, "You may not speak to me like that." She replied, "Why not?....the Bible says we're all created equal." Actually, dear, that's the Declaration of Independence. BUT SEE? I didn't actually say that last part out loud. I sucked it back and saved it for here.

Okay, if that is my greatest accomplishment today it's not much to brag (or "tweet") about, I realize.

And all that rambling was just to say...I learned on FB that an old friend of ours just started a great family website called Twigable which focuses on things that are positive and praiseworthy. It's geared for "normal" folks so if you are one or used to be or hope to be, for goodness sakes click away from this cesspool of negativity check out her site here.