When Squeaker was just 11 years old and frequently throwing all of her belongings out the window of her room, throwing rocks at my car, standing on top of the furniture shouting obscenities, running away, threatening to jump off buildings or into traffic, calling me all sorts of nasty names to my face or to my toddler son, and bullying the little kids, I really had to think long and hard before I adopted her about whether or not I would be able to handle her behaviors.
A near move to residential treatment, lots of stalling by social workers and attornies, a great deal of trial and error with meds and treatment teams and she finally stabilized to the point that her social worker, attorney, and I felt it was okay to move ahead. And during that time mostly what I thought to myself (and said to Ana) was, "What if she acts this way or worse when she is a teenager?"
Fast forward two years later, Squeaker's adoption was finalized this summer at the age of 13 1/2. We've had a bumpy road but it has evened out considerably from where we started.
Until the past few weeks. The good news is that so far my car has been safe and she hasn't trashed the house or her room. She has said she doesn't want to be here but has not run away. She hasn't threatened herself. So that is a great deal of progress that we've been able to hold onto.
But she has yelled at me every day this week, actually almost any time we've had a conversation. Several days she has violently screamed at me and at Ana. Although she is often sweet with the little boys, their interaction must be supervised because her mood changes so abruptly and she can take a mean turn at the slightest offense.
I have talked to her psychiatrist about the recent increase in reactivity and irritability but the doctor thinks her meds are fine for now. Living with so much unpredictability is difficult and sometimes the other kids have a hard time being friendly back when she is suddenly in a more social mood. It's hard for me and Ana too but we can do it more easily knowing some of the reason behind her erratic emotions.
Our program social worker once told us that we are able to see and appreciate the kid behind the behavior in a way that some people can't. It was a nice complement. We do love and see value in kids despite their behaviors but even more than that we can see the potential in them that is so trapped by the fear, hurt, and anger because of what has been done to them. I only hope we are as good at helping them break through all that so they can become whole and free and healthy the way they should have always been allowed to be.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
School Dilemmas
It's still only September and I'm already fretting over decisions about school for next year.
The Boss will be old enough to start kindergarten, but it's doubtful he'll be ready. I've been thinking about homeschooling for him and even if he is ready to start, may go that route since I don't really want him in public school but cannot afford private. I don't want to delay a year because he would end up in the same grade as Seamonkey who does not struggle with the same difficulties and delays.
Squeaker is scared to death to start high school next year. She is concerned, with good reason, about her ability to regulate her emotions in the much bigger setting of public high school. She has asked me several times if I will allow her to be homeschooled. I actually think that would be best but I'm concerned, also with good reason, about her ability to regulate her emotions at home when the stress of schooling is added. I think she will do much better academically with a more customized lesson plan because she tests very high in most subjects but has low grades due to her homework and class work. She has been able to learn all the subject matter required while rarely turning in the work because she has an amazing memory and is an auditory learner. I would like for her to be able to attend a private Christian school too but no Christian school I've ever heard of will accept a child with emotional and behavior problems. She'd probably be expelled the first week.
I know that the potential for conflict and outbursts will be greater if we do decide to homeschool so for the remainder of this year my brain will be constantly running through pros and cons. The very idea of dealing with her behavior through four years of public high school gives me the shudders. So for today at least I'm definitely leaning another way on that decision.
The Boss will be old enough to start kindergarten, but it's doubtful he'll be ready. I've been thinking about homeschooling for him and even if he is ready to start, may go that route since I don't really want him in public school but cannot afford private. I don't want to delay a year because he would end up in the same grade as Seamonkey who does not struggle with the same difficulties and delays.
Squeaker is scared to death to start high school next year. She is concerned, with good reason, about her ability to regulate her emotions in the much bigger setting of public high school. She has asked me several times if I will allow her to be homeschooled. I actually think that would be best but I'm concerned, also with good reason, about her ability to regulate her emotions at home when the stress of schooling is added. I think she will do much better academically with a more customized lesson plan because she tests very high in most subjects but has low grades due to her homework and class work. She has been able to learn all the subject matter required while rarely turning in the work because she has an amazing memory and is an auditory learner. I would like for her to be able to attend a private Christian school too but no Christian school I've ever heard of will accept a child with emotional and behavior problems. She'd probably be expelled the first week.
I know that the potential for conflict and outbursts will be greater if we do decide to homeschool so for the remainder of this year my brain will be constantly running through pros and cons. The very idea of dealing with her behavior through four years of public high school gives me the shudders. So for today at least I'm definitely leaning another way on that decision.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
*TGIAM
More emotional outbursts today. Squeaker seems to be reverting back to some of her old behaviors in many ways. She blames it on me saying she was doing good but I still treat her like a child so she's going to act like one. Yeah, well...not much I can say to that.
Her initial snarky outburst snowballed for much of the afternoon picking up a pretty nasty collection of sticks and stones along the way. By the time she really got going she was shouting at me "I'm going to kill your stupid sister." and "You're the worst mom in the world."and "I hate you!" to the both of us, throwing in plenty of profanities for good measure punctuated by door slams.
When I went upstairs to see if she was calm enough to come to dinner she acted like everything was fine, being silly and trying to chat with me at dinner. I wasn't feeling especially friendly yet.
She can be so unpredictable and volatile, feeling completely justified in her anger, and then calms down and expects everyone else to move on without comment or consequence while they are still pulling out barbs and licking their wounds. She cries to me frequently that her friends turn on her no reason, not seeing the connection at all, blaming others for situations she herself creates.
It's been an exhausting weekend with more sure to come this week, but at least there's school to give us all some space.
*Thank God it's almost Monday.
Her initial snarky outburst snowballed for much of the afternoon picking up a pretty nasty collection of sticks and stones along the way. By the time she really got going she was shouting at me "I'm going to kill your stupid sister." and "You're the worst mom in the world."and "I hate you!" to the both of us, throwing in plenty of profanities for good measure punctuated by door slams.
When I went upstairs to see if she was calm enough to come to dinner she acted like everything was fine, being silly and trying to chat with me at dinner. I wasn't feeling especially friendly yet.
She can be so unpredictable and volatile, feeling completely justified in her anger, and then calms down and expects everyone else to move on without comment or consequence while they are still pulling out barbs and licking their wounds. She cries to me frequently that her friends turn on her no reason, not seeing the connection at all, blaming others for situations she herself creates.
It's been an exhausting weekend with more sure to come this week, but at least there's school to give us all some space.
*Thank God it's almost Monday.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Find a Happy Place, Find a Happy Place
Mega-emotion day around here. I had to have several conversations with Squeaker about how she has been treating the other kids. Talks like these always bring up a flood of emotions. Today it was tears, anger, frustration, major attitude, hatefulness, anger, fear, and yet again more tears.
For the record, I am not all that comfortable with over-the-top displays of emotion. Which is funny as they are a major occupational hazard for foster/adoptive parents of traumatized kids. Also kind of funny considering I felt like a bit of an emotional freak when I was a kid. I told Squeaker tonight that I was a lot like her when I was around her age. I cried a lot...when I was sad, scared, embarrassed, or angry. I was depressed a lot. I had (well, have) a hard time focusing. I was agonizingly shy. I hated meeting new people. I was afraid of new situations and afraid of going to school because I might do something stupid, which I did pretty much daily...and actually still do. I should probably point out that I had a very good childhood. I have wonderful, loving, Godly parents and terrific siblings. I just have one of those quirky little brains that doesn't want to balance it's chemicals right or something. With a great deal of painful effort I have gotten over most of these things. But my comfort zone is pretty small and I'm outside of it almost all of the time.
So ,despite my discomfort, I really do understand a lot of the emotions that Squeaker is going through. I know her mixed-up emotions are coming not only from mental illness but also from her very abusive history. The physical abuse was bad enough but the reports on the emotional and verbal abuse she suffered made me cringe when I first read them.
Needless to say, we spend a lot of time in messy, chaotic emotional overload when working through past and present issues. In some respects my instinctive desire to distance myself can be helpful because my feelings are not easily hurt by hateful comments that seem inevitible from traumatized kids. There is much I could just let slide in order not to deal with the constant barrage of emotions. But for her sake, I must jump in with both feet and muck around in it with her. It stretches me too because I must get over myself and my reactions in order to help her. I'm not all that good at it but I empathize and hug and correct distorted thinking when I can. She reveals more of who she really is each time and each time I tell her I love her no matter what. And we reclaim lost ground and sometimes take a few tottering steps towards healing.
And I feel uncomfortable and stupid but I psych myself up to do it all over again the next time, because inch by precious inch we're somehow moving forward.
For the record, I am not all that comfortable with over-the-top displays of emotion. Which is funny as they are a major occupational hazard for foster/adoptive parents of traumatized kids. Also kind of funny considering I felt like a bit of an emotional freak when I was a kid. I told Squeaker tonight that I was a lot like her when I was around her age. I cried a lot...when I was sad, scared, embarrassed, or angry. I was depressed a lot. I had (well, have) a hard time focusing. I was agonizingly shy. I hated meeting new people. I was afraid of new situations and afraid of going to school because I might do something stupid, which I did pretty much daily...and actually still do. I should probably point out that I had a very good childhood. I have wonderful, loving, Godly parents and terrific siblings. I just have one of those quirky little brains that doesn't want to balance it's chemicals right or something. With a great deal of painful effort I have gotten over most of these things. But my comfort zone is pretty small and I'm outside of it almost all of the time.
So ,despite my discomfort, I really do understand a lot of the emotions that Squeaker is going through. I know her mixed-up emotions are coming not only from mental illness but also from her very abusive history. The physical abuse was bad enough but the reports on the emotional and verbal abuse she suffered made me cringe when I first read them.
Needless to say, we spend a lot of time in messy, chaotic emotional overload when working through past and present issues. In some respects my instinctive desire to distance myself can be helpful because my feelings are not easily hurt by hateful comments that seem inevitible from traumatized kids. There is much I could just let slide in order not to deal with the constant barrage of emotions. But for her sake, I must jump in with both feet and muck around in it with her. It stretches me too because I must get over myself and my reactions in order to help her. I'm not all that good at it but I empathize and hug and correct distorted thinking when I can. She reveals more of who she really is each time and each time I tell her I love her no matter what. And we reclaim lost ground and sometimes take a few tottering steps towards healing.
And I feel uncomfortable and stupid but I psych myself up to do it all over again the next time, because inch by precious inch we're somehow moving forward.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Hello? Hello?
Each night this week some guy has called our answering machine between 8:30 and 9:00 and said only, "Hello? Hello?" before hanging up. Weird.
Not unlike what I feel like saying to the kids everyday when I talk to them and get no response. "Hello? Hello? Is this thing on?"
I understand my parents so much better now that I have kids. Only my dad always said, "Are there words coming out of my mouth?" I don't think it's that we become our parents so much as some inherent ability that kids have to drive adults nuts and exterminate parental brain cells in the same way generation after generation.
But what goes around comes around. They'll probably be parents some day too.
Not unlike what I feel like saying to the kids everyday when I talk to them and get no response. "Hello? Hello? Is this thing on?"
I understand my parents so much better now that I have kids. Only my dad always said, "Are there words coming out of my mouth?" I don't think it's that we become our parents so much as some inherent ability that kids have to drive adults nuts and exterminate parental brain cells in the same way generation after generation.
But what goes around comes around. They'll probably be parents some day too.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Radio
We're from San Diego. It's a great city and we miss it even though we visit frequently and still go to church in one of the northern suburbs. We know many social workers there. Even some that don't know us personally know us by reputation after having fostered hundreds of kids. We haven't heard good things about our new county's department of children's service and have chosen so far not to be relicensed here.
However, there were very many good reasons to move a year ago and we are mostly happy with our decision.
One of the benefits is that we now can listen to Christian music radio which we did not have in San Diego (the country stations here are not as good but that's another story). Since I've banned the rap and R&B stations, it is especially nice that the kids have found and enjoy alternative Christian music. It's great to hear them singing the words of uplifting songs like the ones below rather than the suggestive lyrics from some of their old music. Thanks Air1! (P.S. I know he's not alternative but a little Steven Curtis Chapman in the mix couldn't hurt.)
Third Day "Call My Name"
Brandon Heath "Give Me Your Eyes"
Stellar Kart "Life is Good"
However, there were very many good reasons to move a year ago and we are mostly happy with our decision.
One of the benefits is that we now can listen to Christian music radio which we did not have in San Diego (the country stations here are not as good but that's another story). Since I've banned the rap and R&B stations, it is especially nice that the kids have found and enjoy alternative Christian music. It's great to hear them singing the words of uplifting songs like the ones below rather than the suggestive lyrics from some of their old music. Thanks Air1! (P.S. I know he's not alternative but a little Steven Curtis Chapman in the mix couldn't hurt.)
Third Day "Call My Name"
Brandon Heath "Give Me Your Eyes"
Stellar Kart "Life is Good"
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
At the Breakfast Table
Breakfast conversations can be interesting because we do not always sit down with the kids to eat but are always in the general area. My computer is near the dining room so when I am working in the mornings I often jump in if the exchange between kids gets out of of hand.
A few days ago, Drama Boy and Squeaker had an interesting conversation which I chose to stay out of because Squeaker handled it pretty well on her own.
She started by saying something about being like "my mom".
DB: "Well, I don't know because I never met your mom."
SQ: "I meant that mom right there. If I was talking about my other mom I would have said (birth mom's first name)."
DB "Why are you so mad at your mom?"
SQ: "I'm not mad at her any more. But right now we share DNA and that's about it."
DB: (starting to get upset) "I just don't see why you hate her so much."
SQ: "I don't hate her. I just have a new family now. Why are you getting so angry about what I call my birth mom?"
DB: (still agitated) "I'm not mad, I'm just saying. I would never hold a grudge on my mom."
SQ: "Just because I call her by her first name now doesn't mean I'm holding a grudge. I don't see why you are getting so upset. It doesn't have anything to do with what you call your mom."
DB: "I would just never do that to my mom."
Squeaker handled the whole thing surprisingly well, not getting angry or putting on a big dramatic emotional display as she usually does. I don't know if Drama Boy thinks we want him to denounce his birth family or what. Not only does he constantly imply that adoptive relationships are not real but also that the adoptees are disloyal to their orginal family even, as in the case of Peaches, they are still very much connected to them.
Yesterday, he intentionally referred to Squeaker by her old last name just to bug her. That time she did get angry especially when he continued to do so after she corrected him.
This messy mix of dealing with fierce devotion to families of origin while creating a whole new family through older child adoption is an interesting road to travel. Especially with kids so bent on finding ways to hurt and annoy.
A few days ago, Drama Boy and Squeaker had an interesting conversation which I chose to stay out of because Squeaker handled it pretty well on her own.
She started by saying something about being like "my mom".
DB: "Well, I don't know because I never met your mom."
SQ: "I meant that mom right there. If I was talking about my other mom I would have said (birth mom's first name)."
DB "Why are you so mad at your mom?"
SQ: "I'm not mad at her any more. But right now we share DNA and that's about it."
DB: (starting to get upset) "I just don't see why you hate her so much."
SQ: "I don't hate her. I just have a new family now. Why are you getting so angry about what I call my birth mom?"
DB: (still agitated) "I'm not mad, I'm just saying. I would never hold a grudge on my mom."
SQ: "Just because I call her by her first name now doesn't mean I'm holding a grudge. I don't see why you are getting so upset. It doesn't have anything to do with what you call your mom."
DB: "I would just never do that to my mom."
Squeaker handled the whole thing surprisingly well, not getting angry or putting on a big dramatic emotional display as she usually does. I don't know if Drama Boy thinks we want him to denounce his birth family or what. Not only does he constantly imply that adoptive relationships are not real but also that the adoptees are disloyal to their orginal family even, as in the case of Peaches, they are still very much connected to them.
Yesterday, he intentionally referred to Squeaker by her old last name just to bug her. That time she did get angry especially when he continued to do so after she corrected him.
This messy mix of dealing with fierce devotion to families of origin while creating a whole new family through older child adoption is an interesting road to travel. Especially with kids so bent on finding ways to hurt and annoy.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Recall
And I thought some social workers had way too much power over kids' lives....
The judge rewarded Sparky and DB's birth mom again despite the fact that she's not playing by the rules. She will be allowed to take them out of school (for Drama Boy it's testing week) to a three day parent/child rehab program. This is before she is even permitted unsupervised or overnight visits.
Yeah...ooooookay. After four years they suddenly need to be involved in her rehab? As the social worker said, it's her addiction not theirs and they've been removed from it for a while.
I'm just not gettin' it. Maybe it's just me.
The judge rewarded Sparky and DB's birth mom again despite the fact that she's not playing by the rules. She will be allowed to take them out of school (for Drama Boy it's testing week) to a three day parent/child rehab program. This is before she is even permitted unsupervised or overnight visits.
Yeah...ooooookay. After four years they suddenly need to be involved in her rehab? As the social worker said, it's her addiction not theirs and they've been removed from it for a while.
I'm just not gettin' it. Maybe it's just me.
Almost Too Easy
After dealing with Sparky's daily antics for so long it's almost hard to know what to do with peace...okay semi-peace. Drama Boy still takes every opportunity to have a go at Lucky while she continues to put herself in the middle of everyone else's disagreements. Seamonkey and The Boss argue all the day long. Squeaker has an hysterical edge to her voice when talking about math class and has been more irritable than usual since school started. (After talking to her special ed teacher, it comes as no surprise that she is creating the problems for herself in math class.)
Still that's a far cry from over-turned furniture, kicking holes in doors and walls, screeching to annoy, and outright defiance.
Sparky did come for the weekend and was friendly, helpful, generous, appreciative, and entirely pleasant. We hope this keeps up on visits so the boys can see each other regularly. It was an easy weekend for a visit since three of the other kids were gone visiting different family members.
Court again today for the boys but Ana couldn't go because Lucky had a doctor's appointment at the same time. Can't wait to hear what the judge decides to do next especially in light of their mom and grandma's obvious disregard of his instructions last time.
Still that's a far cry from over-turned furniture, kicking holes in doors and walls, screeching to annoy, and outright defiance.
Sparky did come for the weekend and was friendly, helpful, generous, appreciative, and entirely pleasant. We hope this keeps up on visits so the boys can see each other regularly. It was an easy weekend for a visit since three of the other kids were gone visiting different family members.
Court again today for the boys but Ana couldn't go because Lucky had a doctor's appointment at the same time. Can't wait to hear what the judge decides to do next especially in light of their mom and grandma's obvious disregard of his instructions last time.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Shorn
The boys were getting shaggy so a good bit of my Saturday went to hair cutting.
Cooper, The Boss, Johnny Cash
BEFORE
AFTER
There was obviously more wind and sun for the "after" picture so my subjects were not as cooperative but I don't think it was strictly necessary for Cooper to poke his tongue at me.
Cooper, The Boss, Johnny Cash
BEFORE
AFTER
There was obviously more wind and sun for the "after" picture so my subjects were not as cooperative but I don't think it was strictly necessary for Cooper to poke his tongue at me.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
This Just In
News Flash! Drama Boy now saying he really wants to stay...but wants Sparky to move back in.
Poor emotionally fragile kid getting mucked up by family visits every weekend. By the time he recovers and comes to his senses it's time to go back for more.
That judge must have some seriously loose screws to be allowing this.
Poor emotionally fragile kid getting mucked up by family visits every weekend. By the time he recovers and comes to his senses it's time to go back for more.
That judge must have some seriously loose screws to be allowing this.
Breathe, Breathe, Breathe
Every day I am resolved to handle things more calmly and patiently and not be drawn into the emotional chaos that the kids seem to constantly swaddle themselves in.
Yeah, so tomorrow that needs to go back on the top of my list.
I actually did pretty okay during Squeaker's melt-downs today but totally lost patience with The Boss. Lately his smart-alecky attitude and his frenetic bouncing, punching, drumming, and finger-shooting has been kind of tough for me to take. That's all on me and not him, but he's pretty exhausting sometimes. Ana rescued me a couple times when I needed a break although she got pummeled by fists and feet during one of his inexplicable screaming fits.
Squeaker has had several days of histrionics over her mainstream math class. I actually think her teacher is a bit of a jerk which does not excuse her behavior in any way.
Today she did not have homework because she "was not in his class long enough to get it". Every time I probed for more information she would scream at me so I had to walk away and try again when she was calm. She hates this guy and he doesn't seem to like her much either. He won't excuse her to use the restroom even though it is in her IEP that she may be excused as needed due to a medical condition. When he does let her go he teases her about the frequency of it. I'm not sure he'll think it's so funny if she has an accident in his classroom. He sounds pretty tough on all the kids and the way Squeaker talks about him I know he's getting major attitude from her.
Today's misadventure started during roll call. He called her name and she said "Here" with that tone. You know the one I mean. So he said "Here?" and she responded (I'm sure this time the tone was paired with the look ), "I said here but I wish I wasn't". So he told her to pack her things and head back to her resource classroom.
I get the tone and the look frequently so I can understand his irritation. She's probably being a major stinker for him every day. But, good grief, buddy....IEP...Emotionally Disturbed Classroom...Bipolar Disorder. And you were expecting what? This guy needs to get with the program and be part of the solution. Yes, she's hard to deal with but she's gotta get an education. Somehow we have to come up with a response that is less punitive and more about getting her to calm down and act appropriately so she can do the work.
She wants to transfer into the other Algebra 1 class and I want her pulled from mainstream math and back to the special ed class leaving her only with mainstream English and P.E. Math may be her best subject but it also the source of most of our school battles.
Although we don't yet agree on what action to take, I told her that she needs to stop letting her problems in her math class interfere with her relationships at home. She agreed to stop screaming at me when I ask her about her math. That resolve should last until about Monday, I would guess.
So we resolved away....and then my two troublesome babies and I went and checked out the new restaurant in town, finishing off with a Mile-High Mud Pie and three spoons.
I think The Boss ate most of it which might explain some if his bounciness tonight.
Yeah, so tomorrow that needs to go back on the top of my list.
I actually did pretty okay during Squeaker's melt-downs today but totally lost patience with The Boss. Lately his smart-alecky attitude and his frenetic bouncing, punching, drumming, and finger-shooting has been kind of tough for me to take. That's all on me and not him, but he's pretty exhausting sometimes. Ana rescued me a couple times when I needed a break although she got pummeled by fists and feet during one of his inexplicable screaming fits.
Squeaker has had several days of histrionics over her mainstream math class. I actually think her teacher is a bit of a jerk which does not excuse her behavior in any way.
Today she did not have homework because she "was not in his class long enough to get it". Every time I probed for more information she would scream at me so I had to walk away and try again when she was calm. She hates this guy and he doesn't seem to like her much either. He won't excuse her to use the restroom even though it is in her IEP that she may be excused as needed due to a medical condition. When he does let her go he teases her about the frequency of it. I'm not sure he'll think it's so funny if she has an accident in his classroom. He sounds pretty tough on all the kids and the way Squeaker talks about him I know he's getting major attitude from her.
Today's misadventure started during roll call. He called her name and she said "Here" with that tone. You know the one I mean. So he said "Here?" and she responded (I'm sure this time the tone was paired with the look ), "I said here but I wish I wasn't". So he told her to pack her things and head back to her resource classroom.
I get the tone and the look frequently so I can understand his irritation. She's probably being a major stinker for him every day. But, good grief, buddy....IEP...Emotionally Disturbed Classroom...Bipolar Disorder. And you were expecting what? This guy needs to get with the program and be part of the solution. Yes, she's hard to deal with but she's gotta get an education. Somehow we have to come up with a response that is less punitive and more about getting her to calm down and act appropriately so she can do the work.
She wants to transfer into the other Algebra 1 class and I want her pulled from mainstream math and back to the special ed class leaving her only with mainstream English and P.E. Math may be her best subject but it also the source of most of our school battles.
Although we don't yet agree on what action to take, I told her that she needs to stop letting her problems in her math class interfere with her relationships at home. She agreed to stop screaming at me when I ask her about her math. That resolve should last until about Monday, I would guess.
So we resolved away....and then my two troublesome babies and I went and checked out the new restaurant in town, finishing off with a Mile-High Mud Pie and three spoons.
I think The Boss ate most of it which might explain some if his bounciness tonight.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Please Say It Isn't So!
Both little boys have colds. Boogery noses are a hassle and two at once......sigh.
The Boss keeps sneezing snot all over his hands and then has an hysterical Monk-like freak-out, "I have boogers! I have to wash my hands!" He does cover his nose when he sneezes, so that's a plus.
Grandson wipes his nose on the upper part of his sleeve, smearing boogies across his cheek until it's red and chapped.
Who says my life isn't exciting?
The Boss keeps sneezing snot all over his hands and then has an hysterical Monk-like freak-out, "I have boogers! I have to wash my hands!" He does cover his nose when he sneezes, so that's a plus.
Grandson wipes his nose on the upper part of his sleeve, smearing boogies across his cheek until it's red and chapped.
Who says my life isn't exciting?
Follow-Through
Some way-too-big bites at dinner prompted a reproof that "If you have to angle your head all around to get the food into your mouth, it's too big of a bite."
Which launched a smattering of reminders from around the table:
"If it smears food all over your lips, it's too big of a bite."
"If your food hits your face, it's too big of a bite."
"If your cheek bulges out when you chew, it's too big of a bite."
"If you can only chew it with your mouth open, it's too big of a bite."
"If food is partially hanging out of your mouth when you take the fork away, it's too big of a bite."
"If you have to unhinge your jaw like a snake to get it in, it's too big of a bite."
Naturally, they all continued to do these things but at least they know their material.
Which launched a smattering of reminders from around the table:
"If it smears food all over your lips, it's too big of a bite."
"If your food hits your face, it's too big of a bite."
"If your cheek bulges out when you chew, it's too big of a bite."
"If you can only chew it with your mouth open, it's too big of a bite."
"If food is partially hanging out of your mouth when you take the fork away, it's too big of a bite."
"If you have to unhinge your jaw like a snake to get it in, it's too big of a bite."
Naturally, they all continued to do these things but at least they know their material.
Can We Skip Mornings?
Sparing you the details here's how the kids did this morning: oversleeping, food-wasting, moping, sulking, accusations, shouting match, glaring, ignoring, pants-wetting, P.E. clothes losing, demanding.
Still, over-all it was fairly calm and with all the late-start schools we never seem to be rushing.
Ana laughed at my use of the word "impinge" when talking to one of the kids. What? It's a real word and I used it correctly in a mini-lecture after getting the full-on attitude bit when I stopped one of the kids from making a rude comment. Yes, I was feeling somewhat snappish this morning and it's a satisfyingly snappy word.
Gotta get a grip and let everyone's morning sulkiness go as it usually wears off by the time they get home.
Another rough morning for Squeaker but at least she left on a shared joke afer she reeled backwards into me when putting on her backpack. She's gonna need a new backpack and a new back before the end of 8th grade.
Still, over-all it was fairly calm and with all the late-start schools we never seem to be rushing.
Ana laughed at my use of the word "impinge" when talking to one of the kids. What? It's a real word and I used it correctly in a mini-lecture after getting the full-on attitude bit when I stopped one of the kids from making a rude comment. Yes, I was feeling somewhat snappish this morning and it's a satisfyingly snappy word.
Gotta get a grip and let everyone's morning sulkiness go as it usually wears off by the time they get home.
Another rough morning for Squeaker but at least she left on a shared joke afer she reeled backwards into me when putting on her backpack. She's gonna need a new backpack and a new back before the end of 8th grade.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Button Pushers
Admittedly, I am a bit stressed out lately and I am allowing my buttons to be pushed in a major way.
The control button: What is it about kids and food these days? Drama Boy has been trying to turn meals into a stand-off over what he refuses to eat. The problem is there's no telling what will be offensive to him at any given meal. Squeaker eats like a horse most of the time but when she's feeling particularly emo will stare moodily at her food, daring someone to tell her to eat it. So I do. Dang buttons. Both the little boys have been kind of iffy eaters and now eat almost like normal people. But when they don't like something they aren't shy about saying so or going into full blown whining hysteria if denied dessert when dinner is uneaten.
The eject button: Drama Boy's exit campaign is just irritating this time around. He hates his social worker because he always does the opposite of what DB wants. This line was also spun by Sparky even though they both got what they asked for last time: Sparky got to go and DB got to stay. He did ask Ana this morning, as did Sparky when he left, that if he moved could he still come to visit? Too bad we're so mean to them that they can't wait to get away from us.
The escape button: We have dogs, you know. If you stand there with the front door open they will run out and disappear. This is a theory that the kids test repeatedly.
The insert button: Is it possible to have an adult conversation without Squeaker or Lucky butting in? I don't think so.
The caps lock button: SQUEAKER! THE VOLUME! THAT TONE!
The backspace button: I keep getting shot in the face by The Boss's double-barreled index fingers. Step off, space ranger, you're in my bubble.
Not sure what's going on with the other finger there. He doesn't stick that one in my face, at least.
The delete button: We have some sort of magic mind eraser in our house so that whatever you told a child to do two minutes ago must completely escape his or her brain. Unfortunately it works on adults too. That has to be why I have to stand on the stair landing and try to remember why I was going up there in the first place.
The panic button: Not that one yet, thank goodness.
Monday, September 15, 2008
File Under "Shoulda Known"
Drama Boy called his social worker today to ask if he can move from here, stating that he "really missed {Sparky}". Funny that he didn't "really miss" him until a weekend visit when his mom and grandma could go to work on him. Both boys said they wanted to live apart and DB was going to move too but begged to stay. Now all of a sudden he is clawing to get out and back in the group home. Maddening.
Even though he promised that if he stayed his "getting out" behavior would not continue, it flared up today with a half hour of gagging and crying at breakfast about scrambled eggs. He decided that we were making things he didn't want to eat on purpose just to be mean. Although to be fair, I did tell him maybe I needed to cook foods that weren't his favorite so he could learn to eat them politely as that is an important social skill to develop. I forgot for a moment it is his God-given right to eat only foods that are entirely pleasing and delicious to him.
He was finally excused from the table and then wailed and slammed his dishes around because he is so persecuted. For crying out loud, kid....you won that battle. Does it have to turn into a big drama about how much you hate everybody?
He started in on Lucky again and he keeps asking Ana how soon he can move. He can't seem to understand why that is somewhat irritating after his big, weepy campaign to stay. Ana had to remind him that he is here by his choice and if he wants to leave he needs to be the one to tell his social worker and attorney. Now back to the chore of getting him to do so without his feeling the need to be hateful and make false allegations to get what he wants.
No matter how much he might have wanted to stay, we knew that eventually he would cave to the pressure that his family continues to put on him. He was cooperative and happy for a few weeks after Sparky left and then as soon as he had an unsupervised visit he was back at the same old family line, parroting their exact words. Wrong of them but we're pretty tired of getting jerked around by him even though we know it's a direct result of his family jerking him around.
I think this time we've learned our lesson.
Even though he promised that if he stayed his "getting out" behavior would not continue, it flared up today with a half hour of gagging and crying at breakfast about scrambled eggs. He decided that we were making things he didn't want to eat on purpose just to be mean. Although to be fair, I did tell him maybe I needed to cook foods that weren't his favorite so he could learn to eat them politely as that is an important social skill to develop. I forgot for a moment it is his God-given right to eat only foods that are entirely pleasing and delicious to him.
He was finally excused from the table and then wailed and slammed his dishes around because he is so persecuted. For crying out loud, kid....you won that battle. Does it have to turn into a big drama about how much you hate everybody?
He started in on Lucky again and he keeps asking Ana how soon he can move. He can't seem to understand why that is somewhat irritating after his big, weepy campaign to stay. Ana had to remind him that he is here by his choice and if he wants to leave he needs to be the one to tell his social worker and attorney. Now back to the chore of getting him to do so without his feeling the need to be hateful and make false allegations to get what he wants.
No matter how much he might have wanted to stay, we knew that eventually he would cave to the pressure that his family continues to put on him. He was cooperative and happy for a few weeks after Sparky left and then as soon as he had an unsupervised visit he was back at the same old family line, parroting their exact words. Wrong of them but we're pretty tired of getting jerked around by him even though we know it's a direct result of his family jerking him around.
I think this time we've learned our lesson.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Different Day, Same Old Stuff
Quiet weekend with Lucky and Drama Boy gone on visits.
DB's mom and grandma must have been working on him the whole weekend. The first thing he said to Ana when he got in the car was "Can I go live with {Sparky}?". At dinner he asked Ana "When can I move?" and then laid his head on the table and moped when she said she could not discuss it with him so stop bringing it up. Here we go again. The social worker predicted that he would return from the visit asking to move after spending time with his family. The judge quite severely warned them to stop discussing the case, including placement, with the boys. But they have blatantly disregarded the judge's instructions and rulings for months now.
Lucky and Squeaker were wild and loud at bedtime, Squeaker smart-mouthy too so I hope they enjoy their earlier bedtime tomorrow.
The Boss, while somehow calm and well-behaved at Auntie L's house, has a complete inability to be still or quiet at home. He squirmed all over the seat at dinner then bounced all over the room while getting in his jammies and then flipped, kicked, wiggled and somersaulted all over the bed before finally falling asleep. I was laying on the bed with him reading until the constant bombardment of his flailing hands and feet about drove me batty. That kid needs to get over his fears and sleep in his own bed before he sends me completely 'round the bend. I keep piling up pillows and telling him not to cross them but the little furnace tells me he wants to be right next to me and rolls right over the top crashing into me, stuffed cats, dogs, and bears tumbling behind him. Then he says in his sweetest voice "Sorry mommy for kicking you and bumping you." and "I'm not scared when I'm with you."
Awwwwww.....okay, one more night. I'm such a sucker for those big brown eyes.
DB's mom and grandma must have been working on him the whole weekend. The first thing he said to Ana when he got in the car was "Can I go live with {Sparky}?". At dinner he asked Ana "When can I move?" and then laid his head on the table and moped when she said she could not discuss it with him so stop bringing it up. Here we go again. The social worker predicted that he would return from the visit asking to move after spending time with his family. The judge quite severely warned them to stop discussing the case, including placement, with the boys. But they have blatantly disregarded the judge's instructions and rulings for months now.
Lucky and Squeaker were wild and loud at bedtime, Squeaker smart-mouthy too so I hope they enjoy their earlier bedtime tomorrow.
The Boss, while somehow calm and well-behaved at Auntie L's house, has a complete inability to be still or quiet at home. He squirmed all over the seat at dinner then bounced all over the room while getting in his jammies and then flipped, kicked, wiggled and somersaulted all over the bed before finally falling asleep. I was laying on the bed with him reading until the constant bombardment of his flailing hands and feet about drove me batty. That kid needs to get over his fears and sleep in his own bed before he sends me completely 'round the bend. I keep piling up pillows and telling him not to cross them but the little furnace tells me he wants to be right next to me and rolls right over the top crashing into me, stuffed cats, dogs, and bears tumbling behind him. Then he says in his sweetest voice "Sorry mommy for kicking you and bumping you." and "I'm not scared when I'm with you."
Awwwwww.....okay, one more night. I'm such a sucker for those big brown eyes.
Friday, September 12, 2008
High Boy
Do not be deceived by this stair-nap. I do not have quiet, demure children.
For the last twenty minutes, The Boss has been using an unravelling tube of Superman gift wrap as a bullhorn to shrilly baby-talk the dogs. I think I've said "Lower your voice." several dozen times.
Maybe I should be telling him to raise his voice. If he takes it up an octave I think it will be in a range that only the dogs could hear anyway.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Case(y) In Point
"Casey rocks. She's my best friend." Lucky commented as we were playing Guitar Hero.
"Casey Lynch?" Squeaker asked.
"This Casey." Lucky pointed to her favorite fictional character on Guitar Hero.
"That's Casey Lynch. (pause) I have a friend named Emily Lynch."
"You should ask her if she has a sister named Casey." Joked Lucky.
(pause)
"I did and she does! She has a younger sister named Casey."
(snort of laughter) That was me. I couldn't help it.
As Squeaker pointed out, Casey is a popular name right now so I guess it's possible.
I hear Wimblysnippet is gaining some popularity as well.
"Casey Lynch?" Squeaker asked.
"This Casey." Lucky pointed to her favorite fictional character on Guitar Hero.
"That's Casey Lynch. (pause) I have a friend named Emily Lynch."
"You should ask her if she has a sister named Casey." Joked Lucky.
(pause)
"I did and she does! She has a younger sister named Casey."
(snort of laughter) That was me. I couldn't help it.
As Squeaker pointed out, Casey is a popular name right now so I guess it's possible.
I hear Wimblysnippet is gaining some popularity as well.
Attachment in Older Children
Earlier this week we attended a training on Attachment, Developmental, and Therapeutic Parenting. Much of this we've heard or read before. It does allow the opportunity to feel some guilt over many of the things we do wrong but also to feel understood that we can't parent normally because our kids are not "normal" in their development and attachment due to their past trauma.
Adoption blogger Claudia has written an excellent post on the cycle of attachment in pre-teens/teens. The idea that bonding in older kids is most strengthened following an angry outburst or acting out by the child was covered again in this training. The child screws up, acts out towards the parent, apologizes and is forgiven, and then trust develops. This cycle must be repeated over and over and over again for a secure attachment to develop between older kids and new parents/caregivers.
Sadly, it's at the point that an older kid is repeatedly spewing hate, calling names, defying rules, and trashing the camp that many parents begin to think that maybe things aren't going to work out after all. It can spell the beginning of the end of a placement for a lot of kids when actually it could be the tentative start of developing trust and attachment. The difficulty in not parenting "normally" is that a "normal" reaction to being treated so hatefully is to withdraw and get away when what the child needs at that moment is to be pulled closer. I know that's been a toughy for me over the years.
Then again, the balance between the needs of that hurting child and the safety of other children in the home has been a challenge as well. Hearing that my little guy told his Auntie that Sparky chased him into his room and punched him really hard, makes me think that maybe we made the right decision about moving him. But knowing that Sparky is a hurting kid who likely feels rejected again (even though he asked for the move) is painful too.
Tough issues that adoptive/foster families deal with every day.
Adoption blogger Claudia has written an excellent post on the cycle of attachment in pre-teens/teens. The idea that bonding in older kids is most strengthened following an angry outburst or acting out by the child was covered again in this training. The child screws up, acts out towards the parent, apologizes and is forgiven, and then trust develops. This cycle must be repeated over and over and over again for a secure attachment to develop between older kids and new parents/caregivers.
Sadly, it's at the point that an older kid is repeatedly spewing hate, calling names, defying rules, and trashing the camp that many parents begin to think that maybe things aren't going to work out after all. It can spell the beginning of the end of a placement for a lot of kids when actually it could be the tentative start of developing trust and attachment. The difficulty in not parenting "normally" is that a "normal" reaction to being treated so hatefully is to withdraw and get away when what the child needs at that moment is to be pulled closer. I know that's been a toughy for me over the years.
Then again, the balance between the needs of that hurting child and the safety of other children in the home has been a challenge as well. Hearing that my little guy told his Auntie that Sparky chased him into his room and punched him really hard, makes me think that maybe we made the right decision about moving him. But knowing that Sparky is a hurting kid who likely feels rejected again (even though he asked for the move) is painful too.
Tough issues that adoptive/foster families deal with every day.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Pun Deficit
At dinner the kids were making up variations of "Holy Cow!". Naturally, being my father's daughter, I mused, "Does swiss cheese come from Hole-y Cows?" (I know, I know.....groan.)
{return of cricket soundtrack}
It took Squeaker a few minutes but she finally caught on. Boy, do we have our work cut out for us.
{return of cricket soundtrack}
It took Squeaker a few minutes but she finally caught on. Boy, do we have our work cut out for us.
Clock Watchers
That's what we are every weekday morning. Is it 8 o'clock yet? How long before they're out the door?
I was thinking about how nearly every post is about a negative episode although most such episodes have a humorous twist (or our twisted humor allows us to see it that way). So I have been considering what might be posted that is entirely positive.
{cricket sounds}
Nope. Got nothin'.
It is called Snark Bait for a reason.
While our kids are great people and have many positive qualities, I can't think of a day that included all of our kids which did not have some snarky, oppositional overtone. That's not to say that we don't enjoy them and enjoy most of our days but it is what it is. We don't have nearly the stress, turmoil, and heartache as many of our fellow adoption bloggers who we read daily, but it is there. Older adopted/foster children bring in all the hurts, injustice, confusion, and pain of their pasts and dump it everywhere nearly every day. Because of their traumatic backgrounds, lack of consistent parenting over the years, emotional immaturity, and a combination of emotional and brain disorders, we just deal with a lot of stuff relentlessly (they do sleep sometimes!).
This morning was no different.
They woke up arguing with one another and it went on from there.
Squeaker came out in an article of clothing that belonged to Lucky and then lied in my face when I asked her about it. When I told her to change, she came out in something that doesn't pass dress code. When I told her to change, she snarled, slammed, and stomped her way upstairs after arguing with me that it was acceptable. That's the "lite" version. Her rudeness and snarky asides continued until she walked out the door.
Drama Boy responded to her snarky attitude with one of his own and when I told him to knock it off he told me to tell her......you get the idea. Then he whined, grunted, grimaced, and sighed because he didn't like what was served for breakfast. How can all these kids have gotten to their ripe old ages without learning how to "wash it down" with some water? That's a crucial life skill. He also put a half chewed sausage back on the serving plate and then lied in my face when I asked him about it.
Lucky had a pretty good morning after I asked her and Squeaker to bag their early morning gossip-fest. She forgot her hairbrush at her mom's house and had to borrow mine and asked me repeatedly what time it was and said over and over "I can't believe you changed your hair color".
I let The Boss sleep in to minimize interactions. Since I've gotten him up, the littles have quarreled without coming up for air.
And yet, for us that's a pretty okay morning so I guess that's the positive. Despite their rough backgrounds and the fact that we all came together under less than ideal circumstances and the oppositional, destructive behavior, we manage to have mostly okay days and plenty of pretty good ones too.
I was thinking about how nearly every post is about a negative episode although most such episodes have a humorous twist (or our twisted humor allows us to see it that way). So I have been considering what might be posted that is entirely positive.
{cricket sounds}
Nope. Got nothin'.
It is called Snark Bait for a reason.
While our kids are great people and have many positive qualities, I can't think of a day that included all of our kids which did not have some snarky, oppositional overtone. That's not to say that we don't enjoy them and enjoy most of our days but it is what it is. We don't have nearly the stress, turmoil, and heartache as many of our fellow adoption bloggers who we read daily, but it is there. Older adopted/foster children bring in all the hurts, injustice, confusion, and pain of their pasts and dump it everywhere nearly every day. Because of their traumatic backgrounds, lack of consistent parenting over the years, emotional immaturity, and a combination of emotional and brain disorders, we just deal with a lot of stuff relentlessly (they do sleep sometimes!).
This morning was no different.
They woke up arguing with one another and it went on from there.
Squeaker came out in an article of clothing that belonged to Lucky and then lied in my face when I asked her about it. When I told her to change, she came out in something that doesn't pass dress code. When I told her to change, she snarled, slammed, and stomped her way upstairs after arguing with me that it was acceptable. That's the "lite" version. Her rudeness and snarky asides continued until she walked out the door.
Drama Boy responded to her snarky attitude with one of his own and when I told him to knock it off he told me to tell her......you get the idea. Then he whined, grunted, grimaced, and sighed because he didn't like what was served for breakfast. How can all these kids have gotten to their ripe old ages without learning how to "wash it down" with some water? That's a crucial life skill. He also put a half chewed sausage back on the serving plate and then lied in my face when I asked him about it.
Lucky had a pretty good morning after I asked her and Squeaker to bag their early morning gossip-fest. She forgot her hairbrush at her mom's house and had to borrow mine and asked me repeatedly what time it was and said over and over "I can't believe you changed your hair color".
I let The Boss sleep in to minimize interactions. Since I've gotten him up, the littles have quarreled without coming up for air.
And yet, for us that's a pretty okay morning so I guess that's the positive. Despite their rough backgrounds and the fact that we all came together under less than ideal circumstances and the oppositional, destructive behavior, we manage to have mostly okay days and plenty of pretty good ones too.
Friday, September 5, 2008
How's That Again?
One of Squeaker's funny quirks, in addition to repeating the same story word-for-word dozens of times, is the ability to take someone else's story and make it her own. Because of this it's pretty hard to tell what is a for-real Squeaker story and what is a borrowed-from-someone-else-as-if-it-happened-to-me Squeaker story.
A few days ago, Ana was telling Lucky about a girl she met who also had the name Anastasia but went by "Stacy". She added that it was probably because the other girl pronounced her name ah-na-STAH-see-ah (Ana's is pronounced anna-STAY-zhya).
So yesterday, Squeaker was telling us about her friend at school this year whose name is Anastasia but goes by "Stacy", adding, "It's probably because her name is pronounced ah-na-STAH-see-ah." Oh, really?
Seriously, no matter how unusual the name, Squeaker apparently knows or has known someone by that name. You could say, "I met a guy today name Wimblysnippet" and she would be sure to respond, "Oh, there's a kid named Wimblysnippet who sits behind me in second period."
You think I exaggerate.....but I do not.
A few days ago, Ana was telling Lucky about a girl she met who also had the name Anastasia but went by "Stacy". She added that it was probably because the other girl pronounced her name ah-na-STAH-see-ah (Ana's is pronounced anna-STAY-zhya).
So yesterday, Squeaker was telling us about her friend at school this year whose name is Anastasia but goes by "Stacy", adding, "It's probably because her name is pronounced ah-na-STAH-see-ah." Oh, really?
Seriously, no matter how unusual the name, Squeaker apparently knows or has known someone by that name. You could say, "I met a guy today name Wimblysnippet" and she would be sure to respond, "Oh, there's a kid named Wimblysnippet who sits behind me in second period."
You think I exaggerate.....but I do not.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Dress Rehearsal
We are rearranging rooms again so Ana was cleaning up piles of trash in Drama Boy's room. She came across a script that Drama Boy had written called "Plan to Get Out!!!". Yes there really were three exclamation points. It listed my name and his and Squeaker's and had lines for each of us.
A few weeks ago I had sent he and Squeaker up to their rooms for some snarky argument. It usually is pretty loud and pretty mean if I send kids to their rooms. Later they both came down together and asked if they could talk to me because it had all been a big misunderstanding so could they please come out.
It went down word for word as it was written in the script. Hilarious.
Except that I didn't really buy it at the time and sent them back upstairs.
A few weeks ago I had sent he and Squeaker up to their rooms for some snarky argument. It usually is pretty loud and pretty mean if I send kids to their rooms. Later they both came down together and asked if they could talk to me because it had all been a big misunderstanding so could they please come out.
It went down word for word as it was written in the script. Hilarious.
Except that I didn't really buy it at the time and sent them back upstairs.
About Us
Updated our profiles for the first time in case you really want to see all of our quirky little interests. Click on our names to view. See we really aren't the same person. Almost....but not exactly.
Ana must have a more orderly brain. She listed hers alphabetically.
Ana must have a more orderly brain. She listed hers alphabetically.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Who's The Best Dad?
Tonight Drama Boy, who measures relationships based on what he can get out of them, asked me who I would rather have for my dad: Bill Gates or the President.
He would have picked Bill Gates, for obvious reasons.
I told him, "I would rather have my dad than either of those guys." Lucky me.
He would have picked Bill Gates, for obvious reasons.
I told him, "I would rather have my dad than either of those guys." Lucky me.
Too Many Good-byes
Today we had to say good-bye to Sparky as he moved to a new placement.
We had a special dinner for him with ice cream floats for dessert. Trying to do something "special" for our kids (or any break in normal routine for that matter) always presents a challenge. Add to that the emotional impact of saying good-bye to yet another person in their lives...well, let's just say that it did not create the warm and loving memory we were hoping for.
Drama Boy skipped dinner and, with much moaning and drama, went to bed with a stomach ache. He rallied himself for dessert and then dissolved into a moping puddle of tears and snot when told he would have to pass. Sparky joined in the tears and declared he would not have any dessert if his brother wasn't having anything because "That's what Jesus would do."
Squeaker and Lucky got into a catfight at the dinner table which led to some pretty ugly words from Squeaker which led to an invitation for her to leave the table by Monica. She managed to get in some mean parting shots hollered over her shoulder as she stomped and slammed her way upstairs to her room.
The Boss was his usual exuberant self until he heard that Sparky would not be going to school the next day. Monica had told him that Sparky was moving, explaining that we sometimes take care of kids for a little while and then, when it's time for them to move, we have to say good-bye.
For such a little guy, the Boss has had to say good-bye to a lot of people in his life. He especially likes Sparky and will miss him very much. At the 'no school' comment, he sat up and said, "No! {Sparky} has to go to school tomorrow. Then he has to go to the Boys & Girls Club. Then he has to go to his grandma's. Then he has to come home!" He's still asking when Sparky will be home.
Sparky spent the whole evening fretting about how his clothes were being packed and worrying about his new home. He finally allowed Lucky to make him an orange soda float but cried all the way through it and needed Pepto Bismol before bed.
Everyone was a little subdued tonight and there were a few comments about how quiet it is here now that Sparky is gone. It's been a sad day.
We had a special dinner for him with ice cream floats for dessert. Trying to do something "special" for our kids (or any break in normal routine for that matter) always presents a challenge. Add to that the emotional impact of saying good-bye to yet another person in their lives...well, let's just say that it did not create the warm and loving memory we were hoping for.
Drama Boy skipped dinner and, with much moaning and drama, went to bed with a stomach ache. He rallied himself for dessert and then dissolved into a moping puddle of tears and snot when told he would have to pass. Sparky joined in the tears and declared he would not have any dessert if his brother wasn't having anything because "That's what Jesus would do."
Squeaker and Lucky got into a catfight at the dinner table which led to some pretty ugly words from Squeaker which led to an invitation for her to leave the table by Monica. She managed to get in some mean parting shots hollered over her shoulder as she stomped and slammed her way upstairs to her room.
The Boss was his usual exuberant self until he heard that Sparky would not be going to school the next day. Monica had told him that Sparky was moving, explaining that we sometimes take care of kids for a little while and then, when it's time for them to move, we have to say good-bye.
For such a little guy, the Boss has had to say good-bye to a lot of people in his life. He especially likes Sparky and will miss him very much. At the 'no school' comment, he sat up and said, "No! {Sparky} has to go to school tomorrow. Then he has to go to the Boys & Girls Club. Then he has to go to his grandma's. Then he has to come home!" He's still asking when Sparky will be home.
Sparky spent the whole evening fretting about how his clothes were being packed and worrying about his new home. He finally allowed Lucky to make him an orange soda float but cried all the way through it and needed Pepto Bismol before bed.
Everyone was a little subdued tonight and there were a few comments about how quiet it is here now that Sparky is gone. It's been a sad day.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Love is Spelled R-I-S-K
Someone's got short-timer's attitude big time around here. It probably would have been better for Sparky to move the day things were decided in court but it's a long weekend and the social worker didn't want to do any paperwork until after the holiday. The required 7-day notice has stretched into 3 weeks.
Every time Sparky gets an answer he doesn't like he says, "That's why I'm glad I'm leaving." When we remind him to follow the rules or comply in any way, he says, "I don't care. Don't talk to me." He has been oppositional, disrespectful and defiant. Nothing new there. And he continues to find a willing conspirator in Drama Boy.
The fact that Drama Boy is so easily influenced by his little brother's much stronger personality is disheartening. He has stated that he thinks he will do better here without Sparky because he "won't be so tempted to do bad things." Maybe he will just have to learn to take responsibility for his own actions. He will no longer be able to exploit his brother by blaming or deflecting as he has done in the past.
In recent days, he has found it necessary to stand up for what he wants and take some responsibility for his behavior even in the face of pressure from his mother and grandmother. I am amazed that he was able to do that. Although he wasn't able to oppose them directly, he later told the social worker that they told him to say things and "stared him down" until he did. I have no doubt that this type of coercion will continue and that, because Drama Boy is often manipulated by all members of his family, we take a risk in allowing him to stay here.
We are willing to take the risk because it gives Drama Boy the security and stability that he so desperately needs. His mother believes that he is strong and adaptable and able to succeed wherever he goes. There is some truth to that but the constant upheaval has been at the cost of his emotional and social development. Her attempts to disrupt placements due to her own insecurity and need to control has hindered her children's ability to trust and to form meaningful attachments. Drama Boy is only just beginning to realize all that he has lost and all that he still stands to lose if he continues to move from place to place. He has started to talk about and work through some of the pain of the past four years. That's huge progress.
Sparky's emotional trauma comes out as anger...anger that is out-of-control and misdirected. We did the best we could and loved him despite all of his efforts to prevent it. I'm not sure how much we were able to help him during his time with us but, as a friend commented at church yesterday, "At least you were able to put something into him."
Last week, he came home from a Christian camp and told me that he wants to be more like God. A real disciple. That's something, all right. I think God can work with that.
Every time Sparky gets an answer he doesn't like he says, "That's why I'm glad I'm leaving." When we remind him to follow the rules or comply in any way, he says, "I don't care. Don't talk to me." He has been oppositional, disrespectful and defiant. Nothing new there. And he continues to find a willing conspirator in Drama Boy.
The fact that Drama Boy is so easily influenced by his little brother's much stronger personality is disheartening. He has stated that he thinks he will do better here without Sparky because he "won't be so tempted to do bad things." Maybe he will just have to learn to take responsibility for his own actions. He will no longer be able to exploit his brother by blaming or deflecting as he has done in the past.
In recent days, he has found it necessary to stand up for what he wants and take some responsibility for his behavior even in the face of pressure from his mother and grandmother. I am amazed that he was able to do that. Although he wasn't able to oppose them directly, he later told the social worker that they told him to say things and "stared him down" until he did. I have no doubt that this type of coercion will continue and that, because Drama Boy is often manipulated by all members of his family, we take a risk in allowing him to stay here.
We are willing to take the risk because it gives Drama Boy the security and stability that he so desperately needs. His mother believes that he is strong and adaptable and able to succeed wherever he goes. There is some truth to that but the constant upheaval has been at the cost of his emotional and social development. Her attempts to disrupt placements due to her own insecurity and need to control has hindered her children's ability to trust and to form meaningful attachments. Drama Boy is only just beginning to realize all that he has lost and all that he still stands to lose if he continues to move from place to place. He has started to talk about and work through some of the pain of the past four years. That's huge progress.
Sparky's emotional trauma comes out as anger...anger that is out-of-control and misdirected. We did the best we could and loved him despite all of his efforts to prevent it. I'm not sure how much we were able to help him during his time with us but, as a friend commented at church yesterday, "At least you were able to put something into him."
Last week, he came home from a Christian camp and told me that he wants to be more like God. A real disciple. That's something, all right. I think God can work with that.
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